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A Peek Into A Single Girl’s Brain

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When a single girl meets someone new, someone she thinks has potential and maybe isn’t just a one-off…

On The Outside: You’ve never seen me play it cooler. Eyelash batting, strategic and calculated leg crossing and uncrossing, subtle yet profound arm or leg grazes–I’m throwing so much game, I barely recognize myself. Who is this baller? Me, that’s who.

On The Inside: I’M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. How can I stealthy text all my friends about what’s happening right now? How will this progress? Am I just super drunk or is he really into this, too? I wonder why he’s single? What’s his catch going to be? There’s always a damn catch. Small dick, hates beer, doesn’t have Instagram? What if he doesn’t get my number by the end of the night? I have to find a way to hang back. Emma [insert new guy’s last name here]. Kidding. I’m not that crazy. Haha. Hahaha! HAHAHA.

When someone asks a single girl if she’s dating anyone…

On The Outside: “Nope! Not right now,” or, “Ugh, who has time for that?” or, “After my last experience? Hell no. I’m on a hiatus.”

On The Inside: No? Why? Should I be? Did someone say something about how I’m so single? Well, whatever. I’ve dated a lot of dudes, okay? I mean, you have to kiss a lot of frogs, right? At least I know what I want in a guy. Do I have to be dating someone every single second? Everyone’s a couple and I’m not. So what? Why? Do you have someone in mind? I’ll meet him. I’ll do it. I’m so down. Is he free this weekend and every weekend after that?

When a single girl finds out the potentially awesome new guy she met is now dating someone else…

On The Outside: Whatever. I didn’t really like him that much anyway. He was kind of boring. He sucked at texting, too. And how long could I really keep up the charade of pretending to support his love of light beer and cheap, button-down shirts?

On The Inside: He was supposed to be mine. He may not have known that, but he was. What does she have that I don’t? Ew, look at her. So plain. So blah. Yes, thinner than I am, but that also means she’s probably bitchier than I am because she’s hungry all the time. I eat red meat and am subsequently generally quite pleasant to be around. WHY CAN’T HE SEE THAT?

When a single girl is invited to her umpteenth wedding or engagement party…

On The Outside: Aw! An outdoor wedding in the spring? Love it! I wonder if I can recycle a dress or borrow one from a friend with a similar body type. This’ll be really fun. Maybe I’ll take one of my best friends as a date, to be cute and ironic.

On The Inside: I literally couldn’t be further away from where this couple is. So thankful for the reminder. What, you two think you’re super original with this plan to spend the rest of your lives together? SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE ARE DOING IT. I’ll show you my stash of invites to prove it. Pick an invite, any invite. Oh, my God, I’m so alone. Will someone please, for the love of God, bring me a pizza?

When someone tells a single girl she’ll find someone soon…

On The Outside: Ugh, thanks girl. You’re so sweet. Thanks for believing in my ability to be loved.

On The Inside: Well, what the hell else would you possibly say in this situation? That I’m right and I probably am going to end up alone? By the laws of girlfriendship, you could never say that to my face. Therefore, I can never really trust your annoyingly optimistic, romantic outlook for me.

When someone asks a single girl if she likes being single…

On the outside: You know what? I kind of do, actually. Sure, it has its moments of bitterness or longing. After all, I’m only human. But, for the most part, I don’t mind it. I’ve been through enough dating fumbles to know exactly what I’m looking for, and I don’t want to settle for anything less. I think holding out for something extraordinary, effortless, and awesome will be worth it.

On The Inside: You know what? I kind of do, actually. Sure, it has its moments of bitterness or longing. After all, I’m only human. But, for the most part, I don’t mind it. I’ve been through enough dating fumbles to know exactly what I’m looking for, and I don’t want to settle for anything less. I think holding out for something extraordinary, effortless, and awesome will be worth it. ALSO–cheese.

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Emma G

Emma is a female with a vagina and, subsequently, often writes things other vaginas (and sometimes weiners) find super relatable. She is a 20something who loves eating, buying clothes she doesn't need, and wearing lipstick. You can find 4+ years of her rantings on her blog: www.emmasthing.com

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