March Madness has definitely lived up to its name this year. Between my renewed appreciation for a very stiff drink to the hernia growing under the right side of my rib cage, I believe it’s safe to say that my body will find deep-seated sanctuary in the month of April. The road to the Final Four ends here–er, well, kind of. Although March Madness isn’t quite yet over, the two craziest sports weekends of the year have passed and we’re into the Final Four. Let’s take a look back at how it has completely wrecked your health.
High Blood Pressure
Starting with the obvious, let’s take a look at what’s bound to happen when your blood pressure shoots well above the healthy 120 over 80. You’re already at risk for heart disease in your old age. I’ve aged more years in a mere 40 minutes of regulation basketball this month than I have in my actual existence. You’re also at risk for a stroke–I’m pretty sure I’ve already had a couple of those this month. I find it best to go ahead and get those out of the way early on.
March may not be the only reason why Kentucky makes bourbon, but it is the reason why there are more barrels of bourbon in Kentucky than there are people. Alcohol can be found in the fridges of casual game day drinkers, and it will definitely be found in the livers of those mourning a loss and celebrating a win. If you were looking for Warren Buffett’s billion dollars, 83.7 percent of Americans lost their chance at it after Ohio State lost to Dayton in the first round, creating reason enough to drink right there. Sometimes alcohol is the only shoulder you have to cry on.
Loss Of Control Of Bodily Functions/Emotions/Hysteria
If Tourette’s has an awareness month, it should be March. It seems to find it’s way to many people during the month, though I probably don’t have to tell you that. Raise your hand if you’ve sat at your desk suppressing fits of rage or excitement, or hid the slipped “goddammit” or “motherfucker” under a couple of forced coughs as your boss walked by. I’ll be the first to admit to the puke and rally I pulled after the Kentucky versus Louisville game, and by “rally” I mean “sweet tears of joy.” And we all know (read: are) the person who flips the bird to Frank in IT for the rest of the year after his smack talk at the Christmas party. What now, Frank?
As if you needed another reason to lose your hair other than good ol’ aging or the Mackenzie brief, all the close second halves during the tournament have your scalp shining. Whether it be because you physically ripped your hair out from the follicle or found your hair at the bottom of the tub after your shower, you question what Charles Barkley would look like with a full mane and contemplate your first Rogaine purchase to regrow your fallen hair. After all, you’re still in your 20s and you need hair.
Thanks to the ever so reliable WebMD (http://www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/understanding-hernia-basics) I know hernias are normally caused by these three things: lifting heavy objects without stabilizing the abdominal muscles, diarrhea or constipation, or persistent coughing or sneezing. If I had a dollar for every rage-induced table flip across America this season, I’d be close to making my own billion dollars, Mr. Buffett. And I don’t care who you are, you either get nervous diarrhea or nervous constipation. Just don’t get me started on all the forced cough cover-ups occurring in the presence of family and coworkers this month. Basically, the moral of this story is that we’re all getting hernias in our Easter baskets.
Your team fought and they fought hard, but they didn’t manage to pull out the win? You’ll wear black to work for a week and sit under your desk in the fetal position anytime someone mentions “seeds” or “baskets,” which is really unfortunate for you now that it’s spring. You’ve used enough tissues to play paper toss all day if you wanted, but that cuts deep nowadays. Your newly alcoholic friends invite you to happy hour after work, but you’d rather spend time with that gallon of Rocky Road in your freezer and cry yourself to sleep. You have your own way of dealing with loss.
Night Terrors And Sleep Loss
You’d sleep, but you’ve replayed the final seconds of the game in your head so many times that you’re doing it in your sleep. Even in your dreams, Dukies, the Mercer Bears still come away with the upset. Except in your dreams, actual bears in jerseys are terrorizing the citizens of Durham. You wake up in a cold sweat. You call your mom. She subsequently calls to check up on you several times a day for the next three weeks, which is about 287 calls too many. Your insurance doesn’t cover it.
Quick! How many times has your heart physically stopped beating this month?! Possession lasts 35 whole seconds, dammit! Why must you wait until there is four seconds left on the clock to make a play? But really, why? What you’re doing to me can’t be healthy, especially considering the gross amounts of Chick-fil-A I consume. March may only last 31 days, but the scar from open heart surgery lasts forever.