To your stranger of a freshman year roommate who was so incredibly off-putting that his or her presence gave you no choice but to venture out and meet lots of new, cool people your first year of college.
To your friend of a freshman year roommate who wasn’t a catty bitch and never demanded she be invited to every single outing you ever partook in. She let you do your thing without complaint and also indulged in your weird “That’s So Raven” obsession.
To your on-campus cab service that willingly and happily sent designated (loser) drivers to pick up your underage, wasted ass from bars, thus saving you the trouble of walking four miles through town to your home, shoeless, at 2:30 in the morning.
To the freshman dorm’s cafeteria setup, which enabled you to make terrible choices on a daily basis, but for cheap. This directly contributed to your freshman 15. (Salad with a thousand croutons doused in ranch with a side of a bowl of ice cream, anyone?!)
To the massive lectures with, like, 500 to 1,000 students that you could easily skip and have a friend sign you into–which you did, often.
To your Economics 101 class for allowing you to experience your very first “F” on an exam. You became a man that day. Or a woman. Or both.
To whatever your on-campus cafeteria’s most deliciously famous go-to snack food was. For Jayhawks, I think we can all agree on the Crunchy Chicken Cheddar Wrap.
To that one really nice boy in that one really douchetastic frat who helped you home the night you were so wasted, you actually danced on tables and hit your head on a bathroom door. Thanks for not trying to make out with me–although, why would you? I had to literally crawl up the stairs of my dorm to my room, then I sloppily devoured a Lean Cuisine pizza. Following that, there was some violent vomiting.
To class schedules that started at 11 a.m. and ended by 3 p.m., enabling you to act out like a true college kid and start drinking at 3:01 p.m. through the rest of the night.
To late night pizza. What could you possibly say to something so meaningful?
To the school library for giving you a place to at least feel like you were being productive. In reality, it was just a different setting in which you could drink coffee, gossip with friends, and surf the Internets, all while writing three lines for your paper due tomorrow.
To your night classes that you had to beg your friends to drop you off at and pick you up from. Sometimes, you’d feel sorry for yourself on the nights you couldn’t find a ride and you had to walk back alone.
To every bar in town for having some sort of $1 shot special and $2 drink special. You forever ruined our perception on what it is to drink cheaply.
To Rumple Minze and Fireball–thanks for nothing and everything.
To the campus hospital that diagnosed you with mono or pregnancy, no matter your symptoms or gender.
To your parents for keeping their cool as much as possible every time you over-drafted and called them, begging for just $20 to get you through the week.
To that $20 for somehow being the perfect amount of money that wasn’t too much to beg for, and just enough to get you by.
To disgusting pee beer for being itself and always holding true to its disgusting pee-like quality, whether it came in a can, a bottle, a pint glass, or a cheap plastic pitcher.
To the late nights, the early mornings, the volunteering events, the weirdos who never failed to entertain you on campus, the town your college resided in, the road trips you took with friends, the houses and apartments you lived in, the fights you had, the drama you faced, the hours you studied only to get a C on an exam, the best professors, the worst professors, the monumental tailgating, the blow-off classes, the classes that shaped your future, the dance parties, the bars that smelled like beer and urine but that you loved like a child, the infinite number of throwaway dresses and tops you bought to look “hot” on a night out, the hidden spots in town and on campus that you treasured, the people you knew, the ones you’ll continue to know, and the ones you can’t believe you never knew before college…
Thank you. And a very big CONGRATS to all the college graduates this year!