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A Letter To Time Warner Cable From A Disgruntled Customer

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Dear Time Warner Cable,

How awesome was last night’s episode of Dexter? Oh that’s right. You cut off Showtime, because you’re the worst cable provider in the history of television. Shit, you might be the worst company in the history of organized business. The first caveman to sell the secret of fire to other cavemen did a better job of providing customer service than you morons.

I’ve spent countless nights lying awake in bed, imagination swimming with wild theories on what could possible be happening in the world of Dexter. For all I know, Mr. Morgan was killed off weeks ago in a brutal murder-suicide executed by Debra, and now the show’s plot revolves around Angel Batista’s love life.

By the way, my bill this month was $198.05 for cable and internet. Why? I have no fucking idea. I would access my account online to find out how I’m being charged over $50 more than usual when not even receiving Showtime, but my “TWC ID is no longer active,” so I can’t sign in. How convenient.

Screen Shot 2013-08-12 at 11.33.38 AMI could probably call, belittle one of your soulless employees, threaten to cancel my account, and promptly receive a discount for next month, but would it be worth the excruciating 45-minute phone call? I’m fairly certain that when you evil bastards give a discount, you make a note on that account to recover your losses a few months later with a totally random raise in rates.

I would’ve switched to a different provider years ago, but you’re the only one available in my area. You were the only one available at my previous residence as well. I hate you so much, you monopolistic sons of bitches. You are everything that is wrong with America. I blame you exclusively for 9/11, the recession, and male pattern baldness.

It must be glorious to have AT&T U-verse. I bet they have impeccable service, free NFL RedZone, maybe even some awesome porn channels that I don’t even know about.

Fuck you, Time Warner Cable. Fuck you twice.

Sincerely,

Every Customer You’ve Ever Had

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover podcast, psychotic Rockets fan, fair-weather Astros fan, and sad Texans fan.

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