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A Letter To The Office Slob

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Every office across America has one. They’re messy, they don’t respect shared spaces, and they’ve never used a dishwasher in their life. It’s the office slob’s disgusting world, and we’re just living in it.

Good Morning Slobby,

A couple of things have come to my attention recently, and as the Office Manager, I thought I would highlight a few concerns I’ve had regarding your cleanliness around the office.

Please clean your shit out of the refrigerator.

Were you born in a barn? Did your parents raise you in a cult that barred you from ever cleaning your shit up? NO? That’s what I thought. Let me start by saying, I’m genuinely concerned for your health. Leaving an unwrapped, half-eaten chicken salad sandwich in the fridge for a week and then inhaling it isn’t good for your digestive system or my olfactory nerves.

Ignore the fact you buy all your food from the gas station down the road, even if Bobby Flay whipped up this mayonnaise-based abomination then left it exposed for five days, it would still be a health hazard.

You can start by throwing away the beef stroganoff you made for the Halloween party. It’s December.

Refill the coffee pot when it’s empty.

You’ll probably never get this e-mail because you are either in the break room getting your next fix, or experiencing an ungodly episode of hurricane hole in the handicap bathroom.

My issue here is not only your tendency for selfish coffee consumption, but to sincerely ask you, have you been diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome? I’m serious. You need to schedule a doctor’s appointment with a gastroenterologist ASAP, because those noises I hear coming from the restroom whenever you go in there aren’t human.

The rate you consume coffee is on par to the rate Tiger Woods was rolling through hookers and porn stars during his marriage. It’s reckless. Have you seen him lately? He’s bloated and balding. Is that the kind of future you want?

Do yourself a favor and see your doctor. Do the other caffeine fiends in the office a favor and refill the pot after you pour the last cup of joe.

Please practice microwave etiquette.

What could you have possibly cooked in the microwave to cause such a mess? It’s like you brought in a bowl of SpaghettiOs, then wired it with C-4 and detonated it inside the microwave. It looks like the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan in there.

The key to keeping a clean microwave is easy: cover your food. Grab a paper towel or napkin and place it over the top of your dish, so when your food explodes out of the dirty bowl you’re using for the third time this week, it will be stopped by the barrier you have so respectfully put in place. This will also prevent crusty food build up that becomes more and more cemented each time someone nukes their Lean Cuisine for lunch.

Don’t leave dirty dishes in the sink.

Maybe no one told you, but the position of “Dish Fairy” was never approved by corporate. This isn’t college and it’s no longer acceptable to play chore chicken against your coworkers to see who can hold off cleaning the kitchen the longest. Some sorry SOB is going to have to do it eventually, so help them out and rinse your plate and stack in the dishwasher, you heathen.

Sincerely,
Office Manager

*this memo was not approved by HR*

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