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A Letter to My Terrible Cable Company

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Dear Douchebag Cable Company,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to you. I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, or where you get off on increasing my monthly bill by $30 for the same channels and shitty customer service I’ve had the past two years, but to be completely honest, I don’t need you. I only pay for your service on the off chance I want to watch something other than football, basketball, baseball, “Archer”, or “Shark Tank” reruns.

If I want to watch a game, there are at least 10 bars within a 10 mile radius I can go to. I have an HD hook up cable from my computer for my TV, and I can find almost anything I want to watch on the Internet. Shows like “South Park” stream their own episodes for free online. There are dozens of websites where I can get free streaming sports or free TV episodes. I can buy episodes of shows I actually want to watch on iTunes for a couple of bucks per episode and watch it as many times as I want in HD. I can even rent episodes on iTunes if I really want to be cheap. I have Netflix on my Xbox 360 where I can watch a plethora of movies or TV shows as many times as I want for less than $10 per month. If I do a lot of shopping on Amazon, certain free-streaming shows are included in an Amazon Prime membership. I can get down to the minute scores and financial information on my computer, tablet, or phone. I can even stream videos on my tablet or phone. So really, what exactly can you offer me other than a slightly more convenient medium to watch some of the shows I want to watch based on YOUR scheduling and MAYBE On Demand? (Not to mention, the majority of the shows you include in On Demand are just marshmallow fluff.) I scroll through at least 20 pathetically unwatchable shows just to get to the latest episode of whatever show I feel like watching. If there’s an outage, I’m shit out of luck and there is no refund for lost service.

You are the inert sperm of the entertainment world. Your days of relevancy are numbered and you know it–all it’ll take to kill your business model for good is for an innovative company to find a way to let people affordably build their own cable plan. Also, I’m paying you for time I’m not even watching TV. I work more than 40 hours a week, and when you include sleep and social activity, my TV time is very limited. It’s more limited by what I actually watch, and the content I can get on the Internet or at a sports bar is more than enough to fill that time. All I’m asking you to do is charge me the price I originally signed up for. That’s what the convenience is worth to me. For God’s sake, you even charge me for the equipment necessary to use your service. Any more than what I was originally paying is absolutely ridiculous. Actually, my original fee was ridiculous. I gave you a chance to un-fuck me and charge me a reasonable amount for my service and now I am dropping your ass like a bar skank with the clap.

There’s a reason no one likes to deal with the cable companies, and with your shitty customer service and overpriced bullshit packages, people will soon migrate to alternatives. I’ve been a good, paying customers for two years, but now you’re going to charge me $50 more than people you are trying to entice with your new “package deals.” Why entice new, unpaid customers with cheap packages while screwing proven paying customers? The only place your package ends up is up the consumer’s ass.

Sincerely,

A Former Customer

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5OClockShadow

"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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