In the information age, Millenials have created countless social taboos and quandaries that require extensive examination and criticism. Fortunately, I have managed to amass the four most brilliant minds of in human history when it comes to dissecting the efficacy of social norms. Today they tackle the new controversy of rompers and the new male version, the romphim.
[Interior Monks Coffee Shop, Jerry and George sit at their regular table, sipping coffees. George squints as he sees something on the floor.]
GEORGE: Jerry, what kind of coin is that over there by you?
JERRY: What do you mean ‘what kind of coin’?
GEORGE: Is it a dime, a nickel, a penny, what?
JERRY: What does it matter?
GEORGE: Well I’d have to get up to grab it and I want to know if it’s worth my time.
JERRY: You want to know the value of the coin on the floor before deciding whether to stand up, walk over, and pick it up? What’s the minimum it would have to be for your effort?
GEORGE: At least a dime. There’s no reason I’d ever stand for a nickel and a penny? Forget about it!
[Elaine walks in cheerfully wearing a white romper with yellow flowers. As she sits, George and Jerry look perplexed.]
JERRY: What kind of sick, depraved stuff does this guy you’re seeing have you doing?
GEORGE: You look like you just got off a shift at the Gymboree!
ELAINE: Oh my God, grow up you two. It’s a romper and they are the new hot trend in fashion right now.
ELAINE: Yeah. Once Taylor Swift broke one of these bad boys out at the VMAs, every girl under 140 pounds has been rocking these puppies.
JERRY: What about girls heavier than 140 pounds?
ELAINE: They wear them, but once you pass a certain, unspoken waist to hip ratio these things make you look like an Oompa Loompa.
JERRY: You are aware of how ridiculous you look, right? I mean this is the outfit of a two-year-old.
GEORGE: And he only wears it because his parents just want to be able to shove him into one singular piece of fabric after he spills a whole pot of spaghetti on his third outfit of the day.
ELAINE: Oh that’s rich coming from a man who’s boldest fashion choice was wearing black jeans.
GEORGE: They looked good!
ELAINE: They did not! You looked like a waning moon.
[The waitress comes over and refills the coffee cups.]
ELAINE: I know the romper looks a little weird, guys, but it is amazingly comfortable. And it’s convenient. You know how you always have to plan out which top is going to go with your skirt or pants?
ELAINE: Well now you don’t have to. It’s already matched for you. But, unlike a sundress, there’s no risk of flashing everyone any time you sit down or bend over. It’s a genius combination of dress and shorts. The spork of fashion is here, gentlemen.
JERRY: It’s an abomination. The sheep who were sheared for that wool are rolling over in their graves.
ELAINE: You know you don’t have to kills a sheep when you shear it right?
GEORGE: Science has gone too far on this one.
JERRY: Do all those benefits outweigh the fact that you look like a giant child? I mean, has Bobby seen you in this contraption?
ELAINE: Well he will be tonight.
JERRY: Well for his sake, I hope he “has a headache” tonight. I mean you must need a gallon of vaseline and a priest to get a woman out of that thing.
GEORGE: Yeah, how the hell do you use the bathroom in that thing? Does it have one of those flaps in the ass like on a kid’s footy pajamas?
[George attempts to angle himself to see if there is a flap on Elaine’s butt. Elaine scowls at George.]
ELAINE: Ya get a good look?
[Elaine swats George on the head.]
ELAINE: I mean, it’s not that hard you just roll up one side and…go out that way.
[Jerry and George look at each other nervously.]
JERRY: Elaine… do women have the pelvic strength to control their relief efforts that acutely? Because, unless I’m missing something, I feel like there would have to be some sort of additional apparatus to control the flow of that particular estuary.
ELAINE: Look, how do you think farmers peed in overalls? Or astronauts pee in their astronaut suits? You figure out a work around. As awkward as it may seem, it’s so cute and comfortable, I’d wear it despite a little extra toilet effort. For once, women have found an article of clothing and fashion that is uniquely ours. The romper is the woman’s answer to your male Lassiez-faire style of dress. Now you boys aren’t the only one who can just throw on whatever you want without any thought. Now, girls have something cute, stylish, with plenty of room for expression, and without the daily headaches of planning an outfit. So I hope you enjoyed your monopoly on no-thought dressing because those days are over.
[Kramer enters Monks. He is wearing a baby blue male romper. Jerry and George stare, mouths agape, for a full five seconds. Elaine looks to the ceiling, clearly in despair.]
KRAMER: Howdy, howdy partners.
GEORGE: Kramer…what the hell are you wearing?
KRAMER: Oh, George, your father, he’s done it again, he’s found another way to revolutionize male fashion. A one-size, one-style article of clothing based off the romper. Now he might try to convince you to call it the “Bro-mper,” but I really think this’ll sell better if we call it the “Romp-him.”
JERRY: Why the hell would we ever want to wear something so stupid?
KRAMER: Jerry, you can buy a hundred of these, all in the same color, or different ones if you feel a bit…flouty. No dry cleaning, no ironing, no fear of having an uneven number of shirts and pants! We’re in the future Jerry. The Romphim is the clothing of the future.
GEORGE: Science has gone too far! .
Image via Hulu