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A Guy Who Hasn’t Gotten Laid In Three Months Reviews The “50 Shades Of Grey” Trailer

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So, the “50 Shades of Grey” trailer came out today. Big deal. Chicks are apparently real excited about it. Big whoop. It’s supposed to be the sexiest movie of all time, but if you ask me, it looks pretty dumb. Here’s the trailer:

“Hey look everyone, it’s Hollywood handsome man with a deep, dark secret (spoiler: he’s a deviant) and demure, yet borderline hot Hollywood chick and oh, she’s so shy and he’s so very dark and sexy. Chicks are gonna love it!” I should write movie taglines.

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Also, isn’t that the chick from “The Newsroom?” Yeah, it is. I hope she gets naked in this flick. I’d love to see a titty. Haven’t seen a titty in forever.

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Is that Beyonce? Why’s she singing a stupid version of “Crazy in Love?” Is that supposed to be a fun, sexy, little twist on this bullshit movie? How much money is this thing going to make because of sexually unfulfilled housewives? Fuck. I’ll probably end up seeing it. At least rent it on RedBox.

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I don’t know if I can get through another minute of this. Oh, cool. He’s fingerbanging her under the table in front of her parents. I remember when I tried to do that with Nicole at Thanksgiving two years ago. Man, I miss her.

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This guy could not be more of a goober. Stop trying to be so sexy, idiot.

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Can’t take much more of this. This shit was really considered groundbreaking? Just looks like your average chick flick trailer, but with slightly darker music.

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Oh, cool. The guy has a sex dungeon. But he’s hot, so he gets away with it. You know who else probably had a sex dungeon? Ted Bundy.

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I don’t see how this book sold millions of copies. If I found my mom reading this garbage, I’d put her in a home.

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So, let me get this straight. Women are into this whole submission thing, as long as the guy is a super hot, rich guy?

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This is just fucking stupid. So, this guy can act like a repressed serial murderer, but it’s weird when I tell people I bought a Fleshlight?

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Alright, that was kinda hot.

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Still not seeing it.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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