I am not a fan of Tinder as a dating app, but when you’re in a hotel room in a city far away from home and sick of playing Flappy Bird, it’s not a bad way to pass the time. There is no real value as a prospect-checker, as you probably won’t be back in town for six to eight months at the very least–but who cares? That makes it even better. Tinder is basically a game anyway, and the goal is seeing how many hot matches you can get. What better way is there than to add matches while Tindering in a different city? You need to diversify your portfolio! As a wise man once said, “I’ve got hoes in different area codes” (Ludacris, 2001).
Of course, there are no rules when it comes to Tindering. However, I do have a few recommendations to ensure an effective business trip Tindering experience.
Rule 1: Strike Anything From Your Tinder Profile That Indicates You Are Not A Local
In order to make sure you have a fair shot at the top tier talent in any given city, you can’t let them know you’re an out of towner. They won’t bother right swiping. You’re not lying, you’re just not telling. You can’t have your current city in your bio, and you should probably avoid having multiple pictures from your hometown on your profile. The main idea of business trip Tindering is seeing what caliber of talent you could snag if you ever relocated to this city. Proper planning prevents piss-poor performance, folks.
Rule 2: If You End Up In A Conversation, Lie
If you match with someone who actually insists on talking to you, lie through your teeth. You’re 700 miles away from home talking to someone you’ll never see, unless you end up grabbing a drink together. After that, you’ll never see each other again. Lie about your career. Tell the person you’re a private equity associate for Bain Capital. Tell him or her you graduated from Harvard Law and are working your way up into a state-level elected office. Tell this person you are a state senator’s son or daughter. Who cares? By the time he or she tries to verify any of this information, you’ll be long gone and you can always block him or her if you want.
Rule 3: If You Meet Up With Someone, Conceal As Much About Yourself As Possible
If you find someone willing to grab a drink, go for it. Business trips are often pretty damn lonely, and snagging a drink with a smokeshow can be a high point. As long as you don’t delve into personal details, there will be no consequences. If you can’t get him or her to pay for drinks, use the company card so this person doesn’t find out your last name. Focus the conversation on your Tinder date so you don’t have to answer any revealing questions. Be prepared with some conversation topics that avoid personal details. If he or she buys your bullshit, you may be lucky enough to have a genital merger, although hopefully there are no STD acquisitions.
Disclaimer: These are all absolutely horrible ideas and the author is in no way liable for the commission of any fraud and/or abuse on the part of the reader. If you think someone won’t Google your ass in five seconds, you are fucking dreaming. The author recommends that you use fucking common sense, do not be a dumbass, and tell the (partial) truth. You’re probably more likely to get somewhere doing that, anyway. Happy hunting.