Well, friends, I need to admit that week one was ugly. Like me the morning after I sleep in my makeup ugly. But there are still sixteen weeks to go, so it’s possible that I can redeem myself. And let’s be honest – did any of us really think that Indy would lose to Buffalo? Or even more shockingly, Seattle to St. Louis? The beauty – and the agony – of week one is that as much as you would like to think the pre-season is an indicator of what’s to come, it’s pretty much bunch of bullshit. Which is why I’m 100 percent in favor of the NFL shortening the preseason and adding a 17th regular season game or lengthening the playoffs. I don’t need fake football to get me through August – I’d rather have the real thing longer into January. But I digress… here are my picks for week two.
Last Week’s Record: 7-9-0
Last Week’s Standing: 39th out of 48
Denver (1-0) at Kansas City (1-0)
Kansas City favored by 2.5
I don’t know what the hell was wrong with Peyton Manning on Sunday – and I highly doubt he’s going to figure it out on four days’ rest. On the flip side, the Chiefs experienced an offensive surge last week, with Alex Smith’s three touchdown passes and Travis Kelce’s 106 receiving yards and two touchdowns.
San Diego (1-0) at Cincinnati (1-0)
Cincinnati favored by 3.5
San Diego’s Antonio Gates is suspended for the start of the season, but Ladarius Green served as a reasonable backup, catching five passes for 74 yards and a touchdown against the Lions. But the Bengals rolled over the Raiders in their game, while the Chargers struggled until the second half.
Arizona (1-0) at Chicago (0-1)
Arizona favored by 1.5
The Cardinals are coming off a big win over the Saints, whereas Cutler was meh, with one touchdown and one interception. Given that meh is about as good as Cutler gets, I’m going with the Cardinals.
Tennessee (1-0) at Cleveland (0-1)
Tennessee favored by .5
Marcus Mariota is my new second favorite QB after he earned me a bunch of points on my fantasy team last week. And given Cleveland’s questionable defense, he should be able to do it again.
Tampa Bay (0-1) at New Orleans (0-1)
New Orleans favored by 10.5
New England (1-0) at Buffalo (1-0)
New England favored by .5
Blah, blah, headphones, blah, blah, cheating, blah, blah. Totally confident my beloved Pats will beat Buffalo… although Tyrod Taylor looked damn good last week.
St. Louis (1-0) at Washington (0-1)
St. Louis favored by 3.5
Coming off a win over the reigning NFC champions and a pretty decent showing in Nick Foles’ first outing as a Ram, St. Louis should have an easy time taking out Washington, particularly with DeSean Jackson out with a strained hamstring.
Houston (0-1) at Carolina (1-0)
Carolina favored by 3.5
Cam Newton’s still smiling and Houston still doesn’t have a reliable quarterback so…
San Francisco (1-0) at Pittsburgh (0-1)
Pittsburgh favored by 6.5
The Steelers are coming off a long rest, having played on Thursday, whereas the 49ers have a short week after playing Monday night. Given that, plus the Steelers tendency to not lose back-to-back games, I think the home team is likely to pull this one out.
Detroit (0-1) at Minnesota (0-1)
Minnesota favored by 2.5
This is a pretty even match up. Both teams are offensively loaded, although if the Lions can contain Adrian Peterson and Matthew Stafford is on, they should probably be able to come away with the win.
Atlanta (1-0) at NY Giants (0-1)
NY favored by 2.5
I cannot in good conscience pick a team that LITERALLY TOLD SOMEONE NOT TO SCORE. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, ELI MANNING? Besides your face, which is just really weird?
Miami (1-0) at Jacksonville (0-1)
Miami favored by 6.5
In this intrastate game, the Dolphins need to focus on stopping the only decent player on Jacksonville’s offensive roster – Blake Bortles. The Panthers managed to sack him five times, and given that Bortles lead the league last season in interceptions returned for touchdowns, defensive points are just as possible as offensive ones.
Baltimore (0-1) at Oakland (0-1)
Baltimore favored by 6.5
Even with the lackluster performance by Manning, the Ravens couldn’t manage to beat the Broncos last week or score an offensive touchdown, plus they lost Terrell Suggs who is out for the season. But luckily for them, they are playing the Raiders, who may have to start their second string quarterback and have a pretty banged up secondary.
Dallas (1-0) at Philadelphia (0-1)
Philadelphia favored by 4.5
Dez is out for the foreseeable future – and if his recovery is like Kevin Durant’s from the same injury, we can’t expect him back any time soon. Even though Romo looked good on Sunday night and Philly’s coming in on a short week, I still have to go with the Eagles.
Seattle (0-1) at Green Bay (1-0)
Green Bay favored by 3.5
Seahawks, you lost to the Rams. THE RAMS. With some weird attempt at an onside kick going horribly wrong. Last time Pete Carroll and Darrell Bevell made a call that bad, it turned out pretty well for me, so I’m cool with them doing this kind of stuff but still, IT WAS THE RAMS. And it doesn’t matter how good Seattle’s defense is – Aaron Rodgers hasn’t thrown an interception at Lambeau since December 2012, and I don’t think he’s going to start now. (PS – As bad as that kick was, Steven Hauschka’s still pretty cute and he’s from Massachusetts, so….call me, handsome)
Pick: Green Bay
NY Jets (1-0) at Indianapolis (0-1)
Indianapolis favored by 6.5
Indianapolis got their asses handed to them last week by the Bills. Despite a rather large spread, I find this one a bit hard to call – on the Jets’ side, Antonio Cromartie may not play, and the Colts need to up their running game – even with the big time pick up of Frank Gore in the off-season, they barely used him in Week 1.
Overall Record: 7-9-0
Overall Standing: 39th out of 48 .
[Spreads as of Tuesday from OfficeFootballPool.com]
Image via Alexey Stiop / Shutterstock.com