During March Madness, I proclaimed in my “How A Disinterested Girl Fills Out A Bracket” column that “Picking teams by player hotness is how I won my office football pool this year.” Confession time: while I absolutely did win my office’s NFL pool last year, I fibbed a little bit on the how-I-won part. I actually only employed the hotness method for some match ups, usually the ones I didn’t give a shit about. For others, I actually used my reasonable amount of football knowledge, garnered from Sundays spent on the couch ignoring my actual studies to study the greatest sport ever invented.
So each Wednesday, I’ll be bringing you my picks for that week’s NFL match-ups, using a mix of football acumen and girl-based logic. Before we get started, I need to disclose that, no matter who they are playing, I will always pick the Patriots to win, and I won’t explain myself to you heathens. I don’t care if Tom Brady breaks both arms and Gronk comes down with such a bad case of gonorrhea that he has to be sidelined, I am a homer through and through, and I firmly believe it’s bad ju-ju to not pick your team to win, whatever the circumstances. You can mock me for this stance however you want in the comments, but until your team wins four Super Bowls in thirteen years, I don’t much care for your opinion, loser.
Okay, now that I got that out of my system, here we go:
Pittsburgh (11-6) at New England (14-4)
Patriots favored by 6.5
Angry Tom Brady + opening night on home field + healthy Gronk = Patriots win
Miami (8-8) at Washington (4-12)
Dolphins favored by 3.5
How is the spread only 3.5? The Redskins have no passing game and no way to stop Miami’s passing game. The only thing they do have is a bat-shit crazy wife of their general manager who likes to accuse reporters of trading oral sex for stories and being her husband’s “side chick.” Well, I guess if things get bad enough, they can put her in – bitch seems crazy enough to run down Ndamukong Suh.
Cleveland (7-9) at NY Jets (4-12)
Jets favored by 2.5
The Jets need a decent passing game to have a prayer this season, and there’s too much uncertainty at the quarterback position for me to be totally comfortable here. They did add one of my favorite Patriots, running back Stevan Ridley, to their roster in the off-season, but if a torn ACL and MCL is as painful as it sounds, is he back at 100%?
Carolina (8-9-1) at Jacksonville (3-13)
Panthers favored by 3.5
I’m sorry, I’m too busy being dazzled by Cam Newton’s smile to even consider not picking Carolina.
Kansas City (9-7) at Houston (9-7)
Texans favored by .5
Given that Andy Reid likes to use cheeseburger references (see hereand here), I give the Chiefs a chance of 7 out of 10 cheeseburgers at beating the Texans. What can I say, the man speaks my language.
Green Bay (13-5) at Chicago (5-11)
Packers favored by 6.5
The Packers have had a tough offseason in their receiving corps. Jordy Nelson tore his ACL, Randall Cobb’s shoulder looks a little iffy, and Adrian Coxson abruptly retired this week, citing concussion issues. But if Cobb stays healthy, along with Davante Adams and James Jones, Rodgers should have enough targets to beat the Bears. Plus, who are we kidding? IT’S THE BEARS.
Pick: Green Bay
Seattle (14-4) at St. Louis (6-10)
Seahawks favored by 3.5
Much like Brady, Wilson has some pent up anger to get out on the field. Wouldn’t you, if one of the last plays you made last season cost you the Super Bowl and you were dating a smokeshow singer you weren’t banging? Either way, I’m pretty sure you could put Wilson and Marshawn Lynch on the field alone and they could still beat the Rams.
Indianapolis (13-6) at Buffalo (9-7)
Colts favored by 2.5
I’m not entirely sure the move upstate is going to fare any better for Rex Ryan than it did for the Jets. And does anyone actually believe the Bills can beat the Colts? Like, seriously?
Detroit (11-6) at San Diego (9-7)
San Diego favored by 2.5
I have a soft spot in my heart for the Lions for all those years that they just sucked. I mean, I literally cried when they finally broke that losing streak in 2009. Between that and the fact that there is something about Philip Rivers that makes me want to punch him in the face, this one’s an easy, if not logical, call.
New Orleans (7-9) at Arizona (11-6)
Cardinals favored by 2.5
It could be that I’m still pissed about Carson FREAKING Palmer being in that NFL Super Bowl 50 tweet instead of my beloved TB12, or it could be that I’m not too sure that coming back from an ACL tear at age 35 is really doable, but I think I have to go with the Saints here.
Cincinnati (10-6-1) at Oakland (3-13)
Bengals favored by 3.5
While that handsome ginger Andy Dalton does give me butterflies, I’m going to go rogue here and go with the Raiders. No other reason than a gut feeling…we’ll see how it turns out.
Baltimore (11-7) at Denver (12-5)
Broncos favored by 4.5
There are probably not two quarterbacks I hate more than Peyton Manning and Joe Flacco. Is it possible for me to pick them both to lose? No? Ok, fine.
Tennessee (2-14) at Tampa Bay (2-14)
Buccaneers favored by 3.5
I didn’t go to a football school, but my boss went to Oregon, so I’ve been forced to worship at the altar of the Ducks for the past few years (I literally have more Oregon stuff then I do of my three alma maters combined), so Marcus Mariota is a favorite of mine. With identical worst in the league records from last season, the only real difference here is the two rookie quarterbacks, and there is just something about Ol’ Crab Legs that really bugs me.
NY Giants (6-10) at Dallas (13-5)
Cowboys favored by 5.5
This is actually the exact same game that the teams played as the opener in the 2013 season, and I think we are going to see the same result, although if Victor Cruz is healthy and Odell Beckham Jr. is on his game, I could be wrong.
Philadelphia (10-6) at Atlanta (6-10)
Eagles favored by 2.5
I got stuck with Matt Ryan in my fantasy draft, so my heart tells me to go with the Falcons just so I can score some points. But Sam Bradford’s pre-season was just a little bit too good for me to ignore, particularly that neither team has fantastic defense. Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve got also DeMarco Murray on my fantasy team, so either way this is a win-win for me.
Minnesota (7-9) at San Francisco (8-8)
Vikings favored by 2.5
This is a pretty even match, and one that I don’t really care about. So I’m going to give it to the 49ers, just for those hot looking new alternate uniforms they’ll be wearing.
(Spreads as of Tuesday from OfficeFootballPool.com )