After stringing us along all season, ABC decided to play catch up and cram two Fantasy Suite dates, a Rose Ceremony, and two hometown dates into a single episode. Last week ended with Princess Special Snowflake Ryan Gosling marching into Pubehead McGee’s room so they could have a
girl fight man-to-man discussion about their differences; turns out that the insults and scowling we saw previously was the entire conversation. Once it was over, the Princess felt accomplished for telling Pubes off, but considering Pubes had just gotten back from banging Kaitlyn again, I don’t think he was too upset.
Fantasy Suite Date with Ben
Ben and Kaitlyn’s Fantasy Suite date takes them to Galway, Ireland, where they learn that they’ll be spending the day horseback riding. Kaitlyn says she’s never actually been on a horse before, and looks a bit apprehensive about learning at this particular moment. Everyone knows she’s in the process of getting jackhammered three nights in a row; you’d think that someone would take mercy on her ladybits and come up with a date that doesn’t force her to use her crotch to balance on a large animal, but alas, no such luck for our Bachelorette.
Their date is incredibly normal. It seems like they have real chemistry – they’re very affectionate, but not in the grotesque way her and Pubes mash faces. They find a field full of donkeys and feed them; once the food runs out the donkeys start hawing and chasing them around, which I found particularly hilarious. Why didn’t ABC show us more funny shit like this? Were 45 minutes of Princess meltdowns more important than watching these two get chased around a field by some aggressive Irish donkeys? I think not.
Kaitlyn and Ben have dinner in a castle. I’m fairly certain Ben showed up wearing the sweater Kaitlyn had on earlier in the date, but it’s still better than the monstrosity Pubes wears every day, so I’ll let it slide. Ben makes a toast to Kaitlyn and their relationship, and it’s quite eloquent. Dude has some game. He also tells her he celebrated his 26th birthday on the show. Considering my 26th birthday is this month, this revelation made me feel like a piece of shit until I remembered he has a two in three chance of being dumped brutally on national television which made me feel better about my life choices again. She invites him into the Fantasy Suite and he accepts. The next morning, Kaitlyn announces to the camera that she only got a half hour of sleep, which makes me wonder if Ben got his wish and they stayed up all night talking or if Kaitlyn got her wish and they did zero talking.
Fantasy Suite Date with Princess Gosling
Since the dudes are in Ireland (still), Kaitlyn decided it was only appropriate that they spend at least one date playing golf. She shows up to the Princess’s room with a gift – turns out she got him a golfing outfit to ensure he looks like a massive twat on the course. The Princess is excited and says, “Golf is a lot like love, it’s something you can do until you’re old and gray.” He really needs to play to his strengths; he’s a handsome dude but every time he opens his mouth we’re reminded that he is dumb as a rock. Less talking, more standing around looking good, buddy.
The two of them hop in a golf cart and head out. Kaitlyn was driving the cart, and I’m concerned her lack of driving ability will lead to a fiery collision at some point during the round. Eventually, they get bored playing golf and decide to play truth or dare. The Princess says he’s more of a dare kind of dude, so Kaitlyn dares him to go streak across the course. Once he strips down, Kaitlyn steals all his clothes and he chases her across the course ass naked. It was nice of ABC to loan Jillian’s black box to the Princess for his jog, otherwise his grandmother may have seen more than she bargained for tonight. The Princess tells the camera “This date was just like a normal day.” I’m not sure what his normal day entails, but if he pulled a stunt like that on a date in America he would get arrested and no longer be allowed within two hundred yards of any schools or playgrounds.
Once Kaitlyn and Princess get to dinner, she decides they need to have a “serious conversation.” She asks him why he never has anything bad to say about Ben but clearly hates Pubes. She brings up the Eskimo brothers thing, and the Princess loses his damn mind. He launches into a tirade about how Pubes is delusional and behaves like a 16-year-old girl. Pot, meet kettle. Either Kaitlyn is terrible at foreplay or she’s in the mood to get anger-banged tonight. She feels like this is a conversation best had off camera, so with little adieu they leave dinner and head off to their intimate night in the Couples Therapy Suite.
When Princess leaves Kaitlyn’s suite and heads back to his room the next morning, he finds Pubes just standing outside waiting for him. That is some weird serial killer shit. During the next commercial break I got up, turned on a few extra lights, and checked the closet to make sure he wasn’t camped out, waiting to confront me about calling him Pubehead McGee. Pubes asks the Princess if he has a few minutes to talk, and the Princess passive aggressively says he’s actually kind of busy. Regardless, they sit down and Pubes says although he was shocked that Princess came to talk to him like a man, he was also impressed. However, he thought the conversation was a little one-sided, and he also had a few things he wanted to say. Unfortunately for Pubes, the Princess did not care and simply talked over him the entire time, reciting everything he said to Pubes in their earlier confrontation, along with the Gettysburg Address, the remix to Ignition, and literally anything else that came to mind in an attempt to filibuster Pubes out of getting a word in edgewise. Eventually Pubes gives up and walks off, telling the camera “I can’t imagine she keeps both of us around after this week.” We’ll find out soon enough.
Before the Rose Ceremony, Chris Harrison decides to actually make an appearance on the show he is paid to host and talks to Kaitlyn about how she’s feeling. He asks if she thinks the Princess will be any less jealous once the show is over, which is a valid question. He also says he thinks her relationship with Pubes is “fascinating.” It’s as if Chris has a cartoon angel and devil on his shoulders right now. On one hand, he can’t believe Kaitlyn is dumb enough to fall for this shit – Pubes literally stalked Andi and her family all the way to Mexico after she dumped him. On the other hand, if Pubes ends up murdering Kaitlyn, the next season of The Bachelor will probably get a ratings spike and he could get a raise, so instead of intervening either way, he’s willing to let things play out on their own. Ultimately, Kaitlyn says the only things she can trust to make this decision are her heart and her gut. Did her vagina die after three fantasy suite dates or something?
When Kaitlyn emerges to see Princess, Pubes, and Ben, she says that her heart is beating out of her chest. It’s probably because she has nothing covering her chest; her heart and her breasts are about to pop out for everyone to see. She starts crying and has to walk away to get her shit together. I pour myself another glass of wine. When she comes back, she gives the first rose to Pubes. The only thing written in my notes about this moment is “FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.” I have nothing additional to add.
The second rose goes to Princess. This means we add Ben to the growing list of normal, put-together dudes Kaitlyn met and then thought, “Better find a way to fuck this up real quick.” She tells Ben that she feels like he is going to find the best girl in the world, and she’s frustrated that it isn’t her. That is some absolute Grade A horse shit. Ben is the real deal and she knows it; I think she’s just not ready for something like that. Whatever, it’s her divorce.
Hometown Date with Pubehead McGee
Instead of going to whatever hellhole hatched Pubes, ABC sprung to fly the entire McGee clan to Deer Valley, Utah, to meet Kaitlyn. As soon as they’re on camera, I noticed two things. First, he has approximately forty-three siblings. There are McGee’s everywhere. I’m guessing they don’t believe in birth control. Second, the entire family is crying. Even his 7-year-old sister knows that this is a fucking train wreck. I thought I was over this season, but they’ve lived through this before and are not happy to be back.
Kaitlyn talks to Sister McGee first. She seems fairly normal, which is somehow more unnerving than if she was obviously a total psycho. She asks Kaitlyn if she feels differently towards Pubes than she did towards Chris when she was on The Bachelor. Kaitlyn talks to the McGee brothers next. I literally have no recollection of their conversation because I was far too distracted by the fact that they all have pubes for hair as well. That is an unfortunate genetic trait. Kaitlyn should really think about whether she wants to raise an army of bush-headed monsters with a man who will probably end up on America’s Most Wanted before this goes any further. She finishes out the sibling speed dating with the youngest sister, who asks if she’s in love with Pubes. Kaitlyn giggles nervously and says that she cares about Pubes “very, very much” and hopes that she’s more convincing than Andi.
After this, Pubes spends some time talking to Mama McGee. Although she’s stopped crying, she still doesn’t look pleased to be back on The Bachelorette. He tells her that Kaitlyn is good at making out, and once again, my level of discomfort has hit an all time high. I’m sure every mother’s dream is for her son to bring home a tramp he collected on his second attempt at finding love on reality television and let her know that she’s good at making out. Hot damn, bust out Grandma’s diamond ring – we’ve found ourselves a keeper this time. Better lock that shit down.
Hometown Date with Princess Gosling
Princess Gosling’s mother, Queen Gosling, was conveniently unavailable to meet Kaitlyn on this date. Either we’ve got some deep seeded family issues going on, or she sees this show for the crock of shit it is and is unconvinced she’s going to be adding someone to the family anytime soon. The Princess’s two older sisters, his father, and his aunt made the trek to Deer Valley and are excited to meet Kaitlyn. Like the McGee’s, they’re a bit shocked to learn that there are only two dudes left; Princess makes a comment about how he’s the only one of the original dudes, but there’s still someone who joined later. Every time he makes those bitchy remarks I like him a little bit less. Make like Elsa and let it go, dude.
We don’t see much of Kaitlyn’s interaction with the Goslings, presumably because it was normal and therefore boring. King Gosling tries to play hardball with the Princess and asks how he knows that he loves her after going on 3.2 dates and sleeping with her once, but then is all like, “Well if it’s love at first sight then I totally support you.” I see where the Princess gets his smarts. Once they leave, the Princess tells Kaitlyn that he is no longer falling in love with her, but is in love with her. Joy abounds.
After the date, Kaitlyn heads back to her suite in tears saying she didn’t expect things to go so well. I get the feeling that the Princess is doomed. I’m not a relationship expert, but if someone is upset that meeting your family went well, I’m guessing they’re looking for any reason to drop your ass. She won’t say her decision is made, but deep down, I think Kaitlyn is ready to cast her lot and join the Pubes Family Robinson.
We’ll have to wait for two weeks before we get to see the final chapter in the saga of the Princess and the Pubes. Next week is “Men Tell All,” so stock up on wine and tampons for what is sure to be an enthralling two hours of bitching and man tears. See you then. .
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