A Dude’s Breakdown Of Week 9 Of “The Bachelorette”

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A Dude's Breakdown Of Week 9 Of "The Bachelorette"

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Alright, folks. The ending of last week’s episode gave me the biggest set of blue balls I’ve had since high school. Instead of finding out our final three dudes, ABC left us with a cliffhanger and Luke’s fate in the balance. This week brings us three Fantasy Suite dates and two Rose Ceremonies before the finale, when we’ll learn who will be the man down on one knee. Let’s break it down:

Hometown Date Rose Ceremony

The episode began where last week left off: during Hometown Dates, Luke was the only dude that didn’t tell JoJo he was falling in love or already in love with her. As she walked into the rose ceremony, she told the camera that she felt like tonight was the night she had to say goodbye to Luke. Wine glasses across America were flung at televisions; the sound of their shattering, which mirrored the shattering of my own soul, was only drowned out by Bachelor Nation screaming at JoJo for being such a goddamn idiot.

Once the Rose Ceremony began, but before JoJo had a chance to hand out any roses, Luke asked to speak to her outside. With bated breath, we watched him tell her that he loved her. She thanked him, and said that she’d been waiting to hear that from him. She then proceeded to lose her shit. The next ten minutes of the show was spent watching her sob in a parking lot, the rivers of her tears cascading between the mountains of her breasts as they spill from that blue dress. Eventually, she either gets dehydrated or one of the producers tells her they are running out of time on their airport hangar rental and she has to make up her damn mind about who she wants to bang the most.

As she returns to face the four remaining sperm donors contestants, I’m concerned my heart will explode. This should not be a difficult decision. There are right and wrong choices to be made tonight. She picks up the first rose again.

Jordan is the first name called. No one is surprised. Chris Harrison yawns and looks at his watch in the background.

JoJo picks up the second rose. Luke, Chase and Robby clench their assholes in an effort to keep from shitting themselves. At home on the couch, I do the same.

“Robby.” Robby gets the second rose. JoJo wants to have sex with Robby. I bet he uses words like “intimacy” and “making love.” He probably has a sex journal and likes to watch himself in the mirror while he’s going at it, too. As JoJo pins the rose to his lapel, a piece of me dies.

This leaves Chase and Luke vying for the final rose. It has to be Luke. JoJo can barely keep it in her pants around him. There’s a zero percent chance she doesn’t want to jump his bones. She’s been giving him OTPHJs since night one.

“Chase, will you accept this rose?”

This season is dead to me. JoJo is dead to me. I seriously debate launching a wine bottle through my television and calling it a night. Alas, I persevere. JoJo walks Luke outside. JoJo is sobbing and Luke looks like a three-year-old who just dropped his ice cream cone on the ground. It’s painful to watch. Luke tells her “We’ll never know what we could have had. I wanted to fall in love with you and now we’ll never get to see it through.”

JoJo stammers incoherently. Even though Luke was blindsided by her decision, he seems to be handling it better. As he steps towards the car sent to take him back to East Nowhere, Texas, JoJo blurts out, “I don’t know how to say goodbye to you!” Luke stares off in the distance, and says to no one in particular “I dreamed about so much with you. Granted, I had to change the sheets after a few of those dreams, but I digress. I thought that when I looked in your eyes and when I kissed you, I thought that you knew how I felt and that I wanted to be with you.” Twisting the knife, JoJo replies, saying “Luke, I did want that.” Did. Past tense. It finally clicks in Luke’s head. “You don’t want me anymore.” Is this the Bachelorette version of the Red Wedding? It must be, because I’m pretty sure every feeling I’ve ever had is dead on the floor right now.

Luke gets into the car and drives away, taking with him any reason for me to care about JoJo’s happiness. As the show breaks for a commercial, I switch from red wine to raw cookie dough and milk, because sometimes you just have to eat your feelings.

Fantasy Suite Date with Robby

The remaining crew heads to Thailand, where JoJo is ready to remedy her most recent heartbreak with a few rounds of sexual healing. She tells the camera about her hopes for this week as she walks around some steps in Thailand, gently caressing a row of bells. It’s great foreshadowing for the row of balls she’s about to be caressing.

Every Fantasy Suite episode I’ve seen has a date that solely consist of walking around a street market, eating insects and failing to communicate with the locals using hand gestures. This season is no exception. Robby and JoJo wander around aimlessly until they get caught in a monsoon. As they wait out the storm, they talk about his family and his ex-girlfriend again. The only noteworthy thing from the conversation is that he starts calling her “Jo” instead of JoJo, which is already short for her real name. Just when I thought that Robby couldn’t make me any more uncomfortable, he has to pull some shit like that.

After their conversation, Robby and JoJo head off to get Thai massages and pedicures. They make out intermittently throughout this process, and I’m not sure if the Thai women with the front seat to the action or I am more weirded out at this point. Of note, this is also the second pedicure Robby has gotten on camera this season, and that’s all I have to say about that.

As Robby rolls up to dinner, he’s got on a blazer and some white pants that appear to be borrowed from JoJo. She asks him, “Aren’t you hot?” and he replies, “No way, I feel great.” He’s a fucking liar. You’re in Thailand. Your swamp ass has got to be out of control at all times. They sit down for dinner. JoJo brings up Robby’s ex-girlfriend and his family again, this time asking about his family’s reaction to his profession of love for JoJo before his last relationship is even cold in the grave. He reassures her, saying, “They knew that this was something I was capable of, and they could see it on my face.” Really Robby? They got all that through the Botox?

Robby continues, telling JoJo that when he was getting ready for bed after their date, he found a note his dad slipped in the back pocket of his skinny jeans. That’s weird, right? In the note, his dad encouraged him to follow his heart, and Robby gives it to JoJo as a memento. I bet she’ll put it in her special memory box…and by special memory box, I mean the trash can.

In response, JoJo gives Robby the key to her vagina the Fantasy Suite. Robby tells the camera “I’ve got the Fantasy Suite card, so now I don’t have to dream about JoJo, I get to dream with JoJo.” I actually vomit in my mouth at that line. As they sit down in their smush room suite, JoJo looks at Robby intensely, and tells him “I do have sssstrrrrrooooonnnnnggggggg feelings for you.” The camera cuts away to a prerecorded interview, and we see JoJo saying “I’m so much crazier about him than I thought and so confident in how I feel. I know that I love Robby.”

What? How? Why? I don’t understand JoJo. Chicks, man.

We see Robby put the “Do Not Disturb” sign on their door and the lights in the suite go off. Mercifully, the producers fast-forward us to the next morning. JoJo tells the camera, “Wow…I can imagine waking up next to Robby in the mornings!” Quite the imagination you’ve got there, JoJo, since you literally just woke up next to the dipshit. As they sit in bed, JoJo definitely has the sex hair messy bun going on, while Robby’s hair has remained entirely unmoved. Either Robby is a very gentle lover or he woke up before JoJo to look pretty this morning.

Fantasy Suite Date with Jordan

After JoJo’s walk of shame, we see her walking along a beach. Apparently, Jordan is the lucky winner of Robby’s sloppy seconds, and we see him running up the beach to meet JoJo. Either his pants caught a hefty dose of spray from the ocean, or he may have gotten a little prematurely excited about the possibility of what else may be coming on this date.

JoJo tells the camera “I’m excited that we get to do something we’ve never done today!” What exactly is that, JoJo? Have sex? Talk about something besides Aaron Rodgers? Learn each other’s’ middle names? The possibilities are endless.

Turns out their date is a hiking excursion. In general, I’m kind of a sweaty person, so if I were stuck doing this date in the Thai humidity, it would not be attractive. As JoJordan trudges on, they eventually reach a cave that also apparently doubles as some sort of temple – the delineation in unclear. JoJo tells the camera that out of respect for the random monks trolling around this cave/temple/lair she has to cover her shoulders, so she refrains from going tits out for the boys and throws on a long sleeve button down. It’s a double-edged sword for JoJo – she’s trying to be respectful, but she’s also trying to fuck.

JoJordan sits down to chat for a while. JoJo tells the camera “I need to find out if Jordan is the one that I can have that forever lasting love with.” She proceeds to ask him no questions. Strong effort. Jordan catches JoJo off guard and asks her about her family, and who he can expect to meet if he is one of the final two dude. JoJo thinks for a moment, then replies. “Well, I have two brothers. They’re very protective of me and it only seems a little bit sexual. My mom is comprised of equal parts silicone, alcohol, and confusion, so it’s best to keep her away from open flames.”

At dinner, JoJo asks Jordan how he envisions their future together. “That’s a tough question,” he replies. “I haven’t thought much about it.” JoJo tells him that makes her nervous, so he tries turning on the charm. “JoJo, I want to spend my life with you,” Jordan replies, batting his eyelashes. JoJo doesn’t waver. “Ben said that too,” she tells Jordan. Concerned that his opportunity to get it in is in jeopardy, Jordan digs deep. “I have a feeling that I’ve never had before when I’m with you. I’m a different person than I was before. Ever since I told you that I loved you, when I think about getting down on one knee and proposing and I think about a wedding, I see you. It’s the first time I’ve put a face with that thought.”

It’s a home run. Before he’s done talking, she throws the Fantasy Suite card and a one-way ticket to Poundtown at him. The next morning, the camera pans across a monk outside their suite, likely praying for their souls after the fornication from the night before. Jordan tells the camera “Waking up this morning and rolling over to see JoJo put a huge smile on my face. I would have rolled over further, but my morning wood got in the way.” As she leaves, JoJo tells the camera that she is in love with Jordan too. “It’s ironic, I screamed at Ben that I didn’t understand falling in love with two people, and now I’ve gone and done it.” I hate this show.

Fantasy Suite Date with Chase

Serious question – does the dude who gets the last Fantasy Suite date know that he’s got the last date? If so, that’s got to be demoralizing. Up to this point, I think it’s easier for the dudes to ignore JoJo’s relationships with the other contestants since there isn’t a ton of alone time, but after the Fantasy Suites, you know that shit has gone down. Apparently, Chase drew the short straw for the used goods this season. He doesn’t seem too upset by this, although that may be because his face is completely expressionless. Did he get into Robby’s Botox too?

JoJo and Chase’s first stop is some sort of fish market. JoJo exclaims, “Wow! It smells like fish.” Come on ABC – don’t throw out lines like that. You knew that everyone would catch that, and making a fish joke after two Fantasy Suite dates is too easy; I won’t take your bait.

The couple hops onto a questionably seaworthy boat and putter over to some beach. We don’t really get to see much of their date, but there are monkeys, ocean make outs, and it appears to be hot as balls outside. As JoJo is getting ready for the dinner portion of the date, there is a knock on the door of her suite. As JoJo opens the door, we’re greeted by an unwelcome face.

It’s Robby.

While I am nonplussed at best, JoJo seems ecstatic to see him. They sit down on the couch and he says, “I miss you more than you know. The taste of what a lifetime with you would be like was incredible…I’m ready Jo. Country clubs and coloring books, I want it all!” He is a prescription strength douche. I am over it. On the other hand, JoJo is eating all this shit up. She tells the camera “Robby coming over to surprise me just confirms why I’m so attracted to him.” No it doesn’t. It confirms that you like attention.

Side note – when Robby shows up to JoJo’s suite, she’s wearing a black dress. When she shows up for dinner with Chase, she’s in a blue dress. It’s a minor detail, but I’m calling bullshit here. I think it’s an editing ploy.

At dinner, JoJo asks Chase what he’s most afraid of when it comes to their relationship. “To be honest, I’m scared that there’s other dudes involved,” he tells her. “I think I’ve had to battle through this harder than either Jordan or Robby. I don’t want to be scared of those things when I’m with you, though.” Apparently this answer is good enough for JoJo, and she asks him another question. “What do you think about the offer on the Fantasy Suite card?” Chase responds quickly, “Yes, I’d like to go inside you. I mean, the Fantasy Suite. I’d like to go inside the Fantasy Suite.”

JoJo and Chase continue their conversation inside the Fantasy Suite. Without much warming up, Chase tells JoJo he loves her, and confesses he’s never been the first to say those words in a relationship. JoJo’s response to Chase’s admission is unique – she dips out of the room to get some air.

Once outside, JoJo starts to panic. “When Chase told me that he loved me, it made me feel icky inside. Not the same kind of icky inside as I felt after the Fantasy Suites with Robby and Jordan either. No, this is different.”

When JoJo returns to Chase, I’m honestly a little surprised he didn’t try to kickstart the festivities by doing the Naked Man move. JoJo sits down and says “Sorry, I just needed to take a moment there. I’ve been waiting to hear those words to me. But…when you said that to me, in my heart and in my gut, I don’t think I felt what I thought I was going to feel. I don’t know if I’m in the same place as you.”

Chase sets his wine glass down.

JoJo continues, “I don’t know if spending this night together would change that feeling. I almost feel like that would be unfair. I don’t even know if this is making sense…”

Chase picks up his wine glass and chugs it.

“No, I get the point,” he replies curtly.

As he tries to stand up, JoJo stops him. She starts crying. Standard JoJo. “Please talk to me,” she implores him.

Chase looks at her like she’s insane, which she is. “I just threw myself out there and now I’m skewered. I was so scared to throw myself out there and then this happens. So now apparently ‘I love you’ equals ‘Get the fuck out.’ You didn’t even give this a chance.” It’s harsh, but he’s far from wrong.

As JoJo starts to sob like a six-year-old finding out Santa Claus isn’t real, she continues to rub salt in the wound her words have opened up. “In a week from now, I don’t know if I can say ‘I love you’ back! I’m trying to not let what happened to me happen to you!”

“You kind of just did all that,” Chase responds. Shots fired.

JoJo enters a full-on tailspin. “I’m sick to my stomach and I care so much about you that I wanted to fall in love with you. You have done everything right. You have made me feel unbelievable from the start. Chase, if I had met you outside of this, we would have had a great relationship. You are everything I have every wanted.” What the fuck is wrong with her? Don’t let a dude tell you he loves you, then tell him you don’t want to be with him while listing all the things you like about him. She’s spewing word vomit everywhere. I’m starting to see why someone as attractive as JoJo still needs her own reality television show to snag a man.

This back and forth bullshit continues for the next ten minutes. Eventually, Chase makes it to his getaway car. He cracks a beer as he steps inside, asking the driver “Is this the Fantasy Suite?” In an episode filled with so much anguish, this makes me actually laugh out loud. Well played, Chase. As he drives away, he tells the camera “I get the Fantasy Suite card and then get sent home? It’s like pulling your pants down and getting kicked in the nuts.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Fantasy Suites Rose Ceremony

As JoJo prepares for the Rose Ceremony, she tells the camera “Last night was devastating for me, but on the bright side, at least I don’t have to make any choices today. Choices are hard.” She says that she still feels like it’s important to have a Rose Ceremony, because “this process is a two-way street, and Jordan and Robby have to accept my roses.” I’m pretty sure they already took whatever flowers you had to offer a few nights ago, but okay.

Jordan and Robby line up and JoJo walks in. They notice Chase’s absence, and JoJo explains that she already sent him home. Robby grins, because he’s a bitch. As JoJo continues her boring monologue, I get distracted by some movement towards the top of the screen.
It’s Chase.

As he walks up, JoJo freezes. It’s like she’s seeing a ghost. Perhaps she’s forgotten that just because someone gets sent home from The Bachelorette, it doesn’t mean they die. “Can I talk to you?” Chase asks. JoJo agrees, and the two of them climb through some bushes to find a private place to talk.

Although Chase is wearing different clothes than he was wearing on the night he got sent home, I can’t help but think he’s got to be fresh off a thirty-six hour Bangkok bender. The producers probably tossed him in the shower to rinse of the shame and syphilis. He breaks the silence, telling JoJo “I didn’t want to leave things the way I did. I got angry and put my walls up. You’re amazing and I’m proud of you. I don’t want a second chance here, I just want you to be happy. Also the producers told me I needed to say this if I want to have a shot at being the next Bachelor.” JoJo gives him a hug and cries more. As Chase walks away down an incredibly steep hill, followed by an inquisitive monkey, JoJo tells the camera “I still have feelings for Chase! Why didn’t I fall in love with him?” It’s because you’ve known him for two months. This isn’t real life. You are living in a fantasy world. That’s why.

As JoJo returns to the final two dudes, she picks up her monologue where she left off, reiterating that she has strong feelings for both dudes. She gives Jordan the first rose, and Robby gets the second one. The episode ends with a voiceover, and we hear JoJo saying “It’s this cruel twisted irony that I’m in love with two guys after what happened to me, and I’ll have to make one of them feel like I felt.” I can’t wait. See you then.

Image via John Naffziger

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