A Dude’s Breakdown Of Week 9 Of “The Bachelor”

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A Dude's Breakdown Of Week 9 Of "The Bachelor"

Alright folks, I’ll be honest – this episode was boring as hell. We’re down to the three women that Ben wants to bang the most – Baby Lolo, Brojo, and Caila. This week the crew heads to Jamaica since apparently they didn’t make enough cash off that McDonald’s commercial to exit North America at any point this season.

The first ten minutes of the episode recaps Ben’s relationship with each of the women. This should have been a red flag that these dates didn’t produce enough footage to fill the allotted two-hour time slot, but being an eternal optimist, I was still hoping for the “most dramatic episode yet.” Ben drones on and on about love, the future, and hope, saying that he’s “Excited to find love in the most romantic place doing the most romantic thing.” We get it Ben – you’re about to get laid at a Sandals resort in Jamaica. Michael Scott can pull that off, so it’s really not that impressive. Let’s break it down:

Fantasy Suite Date with Caila

Ben’s first date of the week is with Caila. We glimpse Ben climbing out of a helicopter and he’s already sweating. It’s not surprising given that he is constantly sweating. Ben tells the camera that he knew Caila was special from the beginning and their relationship is in a great place; in fact, he feels his relationship with her is the deepest out of all the women.

The first part of their date consisted of riding a bamboo raft down a river. Am I being hypersensitive because of the Oscars last night or is this kind of racist? Even if it isn’t, that boat can barely float. Tom Hanks built a better raft in Castaway and the only thing helping him was a bloody volleyball. Also, I would wager that the composition of that river is about 75% human feces.

Ben and Caila spend their time on the Love Boat Raft in utter silence. It’s physically painful to watch. It reminded me of sitting in the back seat of my parents’ car with my middle school girlfriend after they picked us up from the movies. No speaking, no eye contact, no touching.

As they drift down Shit Creek, Caila tells the camera that she feels anxious, and for the first time this season she realizes that there are other women involved in this process. I’m confused. At what point during this season did you think that there were not other women involved? Did you miss the part where you lived in a mansion and shared a bathroom with like twenty-five of these other women and the part where each week Ben picked y’all out of a lineup like a sexy dodgeball team? Drinking antifreeze can make you go blind, so maybe that explains all this confusion.

Caila goes on, saying, “I want to tell him I love him, but I can’t get out of my own head. I’m worried that Ben will think I’m pulling away, and I don’t want that to make him pull out. I mean away. Pull away. I’m too sober for this shit.”

Back at the resort, Ben and Caila sit down on a couch on the beach. Again, Ben is sweaty AF. He tells Caila he felt like he saw a different side of her during their date and she replies, “I appreciate that you noticed me being weird and I’m glad you called me out on that.” She’s insufferable. She goes on to say that in all of her previous relationships, there was something that didn’t feel right, but she doesn’t have the same hesitation with him, finally admitting that she’s in love with him. They make out, and on cue, a fireworks show begins. Caila tells the camera “I can see the fireworks in his eyes, and feel them in my heart. And in my panties.” Thanks, Katy Perry. They head back to the Fantasy Suite, and Ben hopes that this is the 60% of the time that Caila’s sex panther works 100% of the time.

As they wake up in the morning, Caila looks perfectly put together. Either their lovemaking was incredibly gentle (possibly nonexistent), or she woke up two hours early to redo her hair and makeup. Or she’s a robot. It’s really a toss-up at this point.

Fantasy Suite Date with Baby Lolo

Our next conjugal visit is with Baby Lolo. She tells the camera that she’s “incredibly in love with Ben,” even though she has yet to tell him such. Ben greets her with his patented awkward bilateral shoulder clench and they head down towards the water. Does anyone know where he buys his swim trunks? I’m only asking because I never want to accidentally shop there.

Ben and Baby Lolo climb into a floating piece of trash and head out. If this “boat” were docked in Ben’s neighborhood lake, you bet your ass someone would be calling the homeowner’s association to get that piece of shit hauled off. Good thing Baby Lolo has training in what to do in case of an unexpected water landing.

They reenact Gilligan’s Island and run aground on some beach where they’re greeted by the ghost of Philip Seymour Hoffman. Ghost Phil informs them that their date will consist of helping newly hatched baby turtles get to the beach. They dig a hole in the sand, and sure enough, there’s a bunch of tiny turtles flopping around like a chicken hot dog in Becca’s hand. I feel like the Grinch on Christmas because my heart is definitely growing two sizes right now – this may be the coolest date in Bachelor history.

Ben and Baby Lolo gather the baby turtles up in buckets and wash the sand off of them. Baby Lolo tells the camera “They’re so cute!” as she slips three of them into her purse. “This is so cool. Turtles can live upwards of 100 years!” Watch out, world – someone has seen Finding Nemo! “SO HAVE I!” screams a wine drunk Amanda from her couch at home, flinging her glass at the TV and waking up Kinsley and Charlie in the process. “I’ve seen it a thousand fucking times!”

Ben and Baby Lolo bow their heads over the turtle bucket and Ben says “Dear six pound, eight ounce, little baby Jesus, thank you for these turtles. Please give them the sense not to swim too close to that island I ditched O Face on. The meat from her cankles is probably running low by now, and I would hate for these little guys to end up as turtle soup.” They tip the bucket over, spilling out baby turtles onto the beach. It reminds of the scene from The Mummy with the scarab beetles, but instead of traumatizing, it’s adorable.

Ben and Baby Lolo sit down on the beach and talk about last week’s hometown date. Ben fesses up to be a giant weenie and crying in front of her sister, and tells Baby Lolo that she’s too good for him. She’s a flight attendant on The Bachelor dude, not Margot Robbie. Eventually, they run down to the beach, squashing the slower baby turtles underfoot left and right on the way to an ocean make out sesh. Natural selection is a bitch.

They start the evening portion of their date at a reggae concert – it’s straight up baby-making music. Baby Lolo tells Ben that she also has struggled this week realizing that she has no idea where he stands with the other two women. I have good news and I have bad news, Lolo – the bad news is that he’s definitely banging all three of you this week. The good news is that we already know you’ve got a 2/3 chance of hearing him say, “I love you.” Since he didn’t say it to Caila, the odds of you hearing it are pretty good.

Ben pulls out the invitation to the Fantasy Suite and reads it to Baby Lolo. She tells him “I need this time away from the cameras to be us and do us. Mostly me. Please do me.” She snatches the key out of the envelope and sprints to the Fantasy Suite, screaming “Better catch me, Ben!” Once inside, she tells Ben that she loves him. He tells her that he’s in love with her too. As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Baby Lolo flings her underwear and any of her remaining inhibitions across the room.

The next morning, the camera pans to clothing strewn about the Fantasy Suite. Ben and Baby Lolo again proclaim their love for one another before Ben departs to rehydrate in preparation for laying more pipe.

Fantasy Suite Date with Brojo

This week’s dirty thirds go to Brojo, which is Ben’s way of getting back at her for subjecting him to her family’s batshit insanity. As soon as Brojo sees Ben, she runs up and mounts him like Seabiscuit. Sidenote: Can The Bachelor budget not spring to buy Ben some flip flops that aren’t from Old Navy?

Ben and Brojo climb into a helicopter and are dropped off at some pretty stellar waterfalls. He tells Brojo they’re going to swim around the waterfalls and jump off some cliffs and shit. You can take the boy out of Indiana, but you can’t take the Indiana out of the boy. He was probably hoping Brojo would lose her bikini top on one of the jumps, and after that dress last week, who could blame him?

They spend some time chatting on top of a rock. Brojo tells Ben she feels so safe with him, and some other shit I didn’t care about. She says, “When I think about the future, I would want to spend it with you. It’s hard to say I love you – but I do – because I do love you.” Ben looks deep into her eyes and says, “I love you too.”


Ben goes on, saying “It doesn’t scare me to say that to you.” It fucking should, Ben. You’ve just lost every argument you’ll ever have with either one of these women with those three words. Brojo tells him that for the first time, she has no doubts about their relationship. Ignorance is bliss. The rest of their date is pretty anticlimactic – Brojo also rips the Fantasy Suite key out of his hand and charges full force towards the smush room. Dragging Ben by his hand, they nearly knock over two tourists, who are actually Brojo’s Brobros in clever disguises, who have been spying on their baby sister this whole time. Once the Brobros realize what is about to happen they chase after Ben and Brojo, but Ben closes the blinds to the Fantasy Suite just before the Brobros can get a front row seat to watch the action.

Caila’s Trainwreck

Before the Rose Ceremony, the producers decide it would be a fun idea to fuck with Caila. She tells the camera that she misses Ben, and wants to sneak over to visit him. The producers tell her “Great idea! We’ll call you an Uber. Don’t mind all of the cameras we’re sending along.”

Meanwhile, Ben is taking an emo walk on the beach, discussing how he may have made a teeny tiny mistake by telling both Baby Lolo and Brojo that he was in love with them. Classic mix-up. While he wasn’t lying, it makes things more complicated. He also realizes that he doesn’t love Caila and the time has come to send her back to the toy factory that makes Daddy’s money.

As the cameras cut away from these interviews, we see Caila sneak up behind Ben and surprise him with a kiss. He looks shocked, and not in a good way – more like The Green Mile way. He decides then that he’s going to send her home and spare her standing through the Rose Ceremony. She senses that something is wrong, and he tries to let her down easy by speaking in a language she understands well – vague metaphors and assorted bullshit.

Caila asks him if he’s okay, and Ben replies, “Yes and no. It hits you how real this is – how crazy great this is and how a crazy experience like this… You can gain so much from this. But I also realize that I’m in love with two women here, and I can’t say that back to you. I don’t know why and how because how I think through things all day – you are literally what I describe as my perfect wife. I knew this would get hard at the end. It’s really hard to imagine saying goodbye to you. I’m going to miss you Caila.” If reading that didn’t make sense, trust me, listening to it wasn’t any better. Don’t even try to understand it, just move on with your life.

Caila initially seems to take it well, simply saying that her experience has been amazing and that she does love him. Before getting any further she cuts herself off and says, “I think I’m just going to go” which in third place Bachelor contestant speak means “Don’t say anything dumb. You’re poised to get your own season. Don’t fuck this up.”

Ben walks Caila to the limo and she gets in briefly before jumping out to try to get more answers about why he’s dumping her. He insists that even on their date, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do. She puts her hair up to make sure he knows she’s done trying to look charming and is on the verge of ugly tears. She manages to hold it together until she’s back in the limo, unleashing a deluge of tears, the likes of which have not been seen since the opening weekend of Up.

Rose Ceremony

Brojo is the first of the remaining two ladies to step out of her limo. It looks like she borrowed Caila’s kimono from last week and made it way sultrier – homegirl knows how to remind a man what she’s got to offer. She is greeted by Chris Harrison who asks about her week in Jamaica. She tells him that she and Ben swapped “I love yous” and bodily fluids. Harrison nods and gives her a soft smile, whispering “Wow. You are beautiful, but you are not smart” to her as he escorts her to the Rose Ceremony.

Baby Lolo arrives next and tells Harrison the same story. His grin of amusement morphs into one of pure joy. “This shit finally got interesting,” he says to himself. “I may actually have to start coming to work now. Also, what’s your sister up to this weekend?”

After another awkward silence, Brojo and Baby Lolo are like “Where the hell is Caila? Did she get taken trying to find a dealer down here?” Ben comes out and tells them “Obviously Caila is not here. She was an incredible person. She was an amazing lay. She seriously knew how to rip a dick. I’m so sore. I may or may not also be in love with her, but since I didn’t say it out loud yet, I had to kill her send her home.” With Caila gone, the remaining two roses (and representative halves of Ben’s heart) go to:

1. Brojo – “He picked me first! He loves me the most.”
2. Baby Lolo – “Saving the best for last.”

Next week brings back every bundle of crazy that’s been on this season for the Women Tell All Episode. Has Lace found herself? Has Jubilee been reunited with her favorite hot dogs? Do we have to talk about Becca’s virginity some more? Did O Face make it off the island? I’m sure we’ll get the answers to all these questions and more. This means that in two weeks, we’ll get to see whether Ben chooses Brojo or Baby Lolo (Or both! Or neither!) Full disclosure – the night of the finale is the same day I find out whether or not I matched for residency, so I will likely be doing my best Momjo impression and chugging champagne from the bottle in celebration with the rest of my class, so the recap of the finale may be a little later than usual. Prepare accordingly. Otherwise, see you then.

Image via John Naffziger

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