Alright folks. Do you remember when you found out that Santa wasn’t real? That terrible, gut-wrenching moment when in a single, crystallizing instant you realized one of the greatest joys of your life was gone and also that your parents are fucking liars? This week’s one-hour cocktease of an episode of The Bachelor was the adult version of that experience. ABC took what is traditionally the best episode of the season and mutilated it into a bastardization of its former glory. Instead of basking in the schadenfreude of Nick’s
conjugal visits Fantasy Suite Dates with the three women remaining from his former harem, we had to settle for twenty minutes of Andi Dorfman clawing her way back into relevance like a cat escaping a bathtub that just had a hair dryer dropped into it, followed by what seemed like an eternity of Raven saying the word “orgasm.” Let’s break it down:
Nick and Andi’s
One-on-One Totally Spontaneous, Not at All Staged Conversation
Last week’s episode tricked us into thinking that Vanessa was going to make a trip to Nick’s suite to have another boring conversation about their boring date in Canada. Much to our surprise, when Nick opened his door, it wasn’t Vanessa standing outside, but a different brunette that he’d also dated on television: former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman.
Andi’s season of The Bachelorette was Nick’s first foray into the franchise and his maiden voyage into being a perennial runner-up by getting dumped in front of millions of people while crying like a little bitch. Andi has been about as successful as Nick following that season; since then she broke off her engagement with Josh Murray and wrote a book about her experiences (and not a whole hell of a lot else).
After a few moments of staring at Andi while biting the inside of his cheek in an attempt to wake up from what must surely be a nightmare, Nick invites Andi into his room. Before he even asks her why she decided to show up outside his room (because he already knows the answer is “The producers paid me to be here, and just like my eggs, my Instagram likes are starting to dry up.”) Nick poses a question to Andi that I ask myself on a regular basis. “Wine or whiskey?” he inquires. Without pausing to ponder, Andi answers. “This calls for whiskey.” Not one to disagree, I push aside my glass of Shiraz and pour three fingers.
“So,” Andi starts. “Where are you at? What are you thinking? What’s the 4-1-1? What has everyone been up to? What is the hot gossip? Tell me everything.” Nick takes a long pull of whiskey. I do the same. “Well, I have four beautiful, smart, independent women left…” Nick starts. “And they actually stuck around?” Andi laughs, as she flips her hair and bats her fake eyelashes. Come on, Dorfman. Wasn’t busting Nick’s nuts on television once enough for you?
Undeterred, Nick continues. He tells Andi that he has really started to understand that this is a difficult process. “Of course!” she responds. “It’s got to be hard for you to dump 29 women instead of being the one getting dumped!” Has anyone told Andi that she’s not that funny? “Actually,” Nick replies, “By the end of it, I may be dumping 30 women.”
Andi chokes mid-sip. “What?” she sputters, desperately trying to swallow the liquid in her windpipe. It reminds Nick of a moment from their Fantasy Suite date, and a smile creeps across his lips. He makes eye contact with Andi, and for a moment the smile widens, and then freezes as he sees the glare in her eyes. They mutually decide not to acknowledge it and move on. “I mean – I’m not going to get engaged just because I’m the Bachelor, and I’m not going to get engaged just because she’s the last one standing,” Nick declares.
“Interesting,” Andi muses. “So how many of them are you going to fuck? Or have you fucked them all already like you did with Kaitlyn?” Nick doesn’t take the bait. “I actually think maybe not sleeping with them would help keep my mind clear to make a better decision.” I wonder how many times he had to practice saying that in the mirror without laughing because there is a zero percent chance that he isn’t going to bang them all.
Andi then takes this opportunity to go on what she termed a “feminist rant” about how it’s okay for two adults who care about each other to have sex. It lasts for an awkwardly long amount of time, and seems to be more rooted in deep-seeded embarrassment about her experience as Bachelorette than actual feminism. By the time she’s out of words, Nick and I are both out of whiskey. “By the way,” Nick says, “Sorry about the time I asked you why you made love to me on national television.” Until that moment, I had successfully blocked that horrendous phrase from Andi’s After The Final Rose from my mind, but with his apology that particular memory came rushing back into my mind, just like the vomit came rushing up my throat when he said it the first time, and a little bit did again just then.
Andi accepts his apology and then wishes him well before leaving. Is it just me, or does this seem like it may be a play for her to grab a spot on Paradise? Having a former lead that didn’t find love on her own season would definitely be an interesting twist. Throw Juan Pablo and Chris Soules back in the mix and see if any old sparks fly? Your move, ABC.
It’s actually been so goddamn long since we’ve had one of these that Chris Harrison had to remind the four remaining women how these little get-togethers work. “Ladies,” he starts. “Sometimes Nick doesn’t just abandon women in strange locations during dates when he tires of them. Sometimes he asks you to leave your families once again and collects all of you together so that the shame of the woman he rejects can be magnified as leaves her standing unadorned by a rose in front of the women he prefers. May the odds be ever in your favor.”
Nick enters whatever rooftop patio ABC secured for this sacrificial offering, standing next to a pedestal holding three roses. He looks at the four women standing in front of him, freezing their tits off in the New York night air. He picks up the first rose.
“Raven,” Nick calls. “Will you accept this rose?” She does, and thanks her lucky stars that the antibiotics have finally started to work and are clearing up whatever she caught downstairs from fooling around in that swamp.
Nick grabs the next rose and looks at the remaining three women. “Rachel,” he says.
Rachel? What is happening? This wedding is horse shit. Don’t get me wrong – I’m a huge fan of Rachel and think she’s going to be great on The Bachelorette, but keeping her around as a walking, talking, live-action spoiler is starting to harsh my Bach mellow. I’m also guessing this is the reason they split this episode into two halves; by blue balling us, there’s at least some suspense when in all likelihood the next rose Nick gives will reveal to us who’s joining Raven in the finale, unless of course Rachel makes it to the finale, in which case our Lord and Savior Chris Harrison has truly forsaken us.
As Nick picks up the final rose, he stares at the two remaining women, Vanessa and Corinne. If you lined all the women up on the first night from boring to fun, these two would be the bookends of the house. I have a feeling I know where this is headed, and I would like to get off this particular train before its crashes into a fiery explosion that destroys what little hope I have left for an entertaining end to this season.
Corinne immediately starts ugly crying. Homegirl does not even make an attempt to maintain her composure, and I respect her for that. She’s also probably pissed AF she dropped a cool G on a sweatsuit for Pubes when she could have been buying more shit for herself. Also, it just seems cruel to me that after Corinne has made it very clear during every moment of every day that she is DTF that Nick would keep her up until the point where it’s socially acceptable to fornicate, and then send her home. She’s just trying to catch some D, man. At least give her that. Do it for us. Do it for Raquel. As Nick walks her out, she apologizes for anything she may have done to upset him and he assures her that she didn’t do anything wrong. Corinne continues to cry as she climbs into the limo and heads back to Raquel’s loving embrace.
Once inside the limo, Corrine laments to the camera, “Why can’t I just have a normal relationship?” Well babe, for starters, you’re not exactly a normal person. She continues. “I’m done trying to say things that men will think are appropriate.” Oh, is that what you’ve been doing up until now? I guess I didn’t catch on. Corinne concludes the interview by announcing that she’s going to take a nap, and I have a feeling that when she wakes up, she’ll be in Paradise.
Fantasy Suite Date with Raven
After leaving New York, Nick hopped on a plane to
LAX Finland with his dreams and his cardigan turtleneck. On the ride over, he has an existential crisis and contemplates his own mortality and failures as Bachelor and wonders if he will ever find love. You know how I know this was staged? If you’re sitting first class on a transatlantic flight, there are exactly two things you’re going to be doing: boozing and snoozing. When they come around with the complimentary sauce, you take advantage of that shit; you don’t sit around and lament how hard it is to date beautiful women. You go bottoms up and seat back, lather, rinse, and repeat.
Finland is an interesting choice for the Fantasy Suite Dates, mostly because it’s so cold I imagine that as soon as Nick got off the plane, his testicles retreated to somewhere in the neighborhood of his kidneys. We are treated to a montage of Nick trudging through snow and the remaining three women trying to look pensive, yet desirable, in their winter parkas and hats. It was a stupid waste of airtime…at least I thought it was until Raven’s actual date began.
As Nick reaches the middle of a frozen fucking tundra, he is met by both Raven and a helicopter. The camera cuts to an interview with Raven, where she says, “A fun fact about me? Let me think. Well, I’ve never had an orgasm before. Also, I’ve only had sex with one person. It was my ex-boyfriend, who cheated on me and never gave me an orgasm. I didn’t love him, but I do love Nick. Maybe Nick will be the first person to give me an orgasm! Orgasm.” Nick takes Raven by the hand and then climbs into the helicopter. Just before the scene ends, you can see Raven spelling out “orgasm” in the frost on the chopper’s window. Orgasm.
After taking an orgasmic aerial tour of Finland complete with a stampeding herd of reindeer and more fucking tundra, the helicopter finishes things off by unloading Nick and Raven at an establishment called “Local Pub” in Lapland. As it turns out, Local Pub is a local pub. Thrilling. ABC must have really blown a wad of cash paying for the helicopter. Once inside, Nick and Raven drink beer, play darts, and talk about just how far they’ve come in their relationship. The climax of their conversation occurs as they discuss delegating household chores in their potential future relationship; as it turns out, Raven can’t cook but is great at folding clothes, so they decide that Nick will be in charge of dinner and Raven will handle laundry. Sounds like they’ve got everything figured out; they just need Neil Lane to show up so Nick can get his rocks off of the display tray and onto Raven’s finger.
After leaving Local Pub and its worlds of pleasure behind, Nick and Raven go to a cabin for dinner. Here, the conversation takes a more serious turn. Raven tells Nick that when she started her journey on The Bachelor, she was very skeptical of the process, but after spending time with him, and seeing how he interacted first with his family and then with hers, she tells him, “You have made it so easy for me to love you. And I do love you. It would be the worst thing I could do – to not tell you that.”
With that, Nick offers her the key to the Fantasy Suite. She immediately accepts, saying, “I’m so excited to get to spend this time with you! Also, in case you haven’t heard, I have only had sex with one person, who was my ex-boyfriend, who I never loved like I love you. My ex-boyfriend, the one that I was not in love with, also never gave me an orgasm. But I love you. I probably won’t become a Stage 5 Clinger. Orgasm.” The episode ends as Nick and Raven make out in their Fantasy Suite underneath the Northern Lights while Nick wears a turtleneck that makes him look like an uncircumcised elephant.
Next week brings us three hours of Bachelor fire so prepare you stock of wine accordingly. We’ll find out if Raven has her first orgasm and see what happens on Rachel and Vanessa’s dates during the first hour, and then the second two hours will be devoted to the “Women Tell All” episode. See you then. .
You can also watch the episode on YouTube in its entirety.