Things are starting to get serious — we’re down to five. After the rules changed last week, instead of visiting four hometowns, Kaitlyn has to narrow her choices down to the three dudes she wants to take on overnight dates to the Fantasy Suite. This means Kaitlyn has to face the toughest decision she’s had to make yet: Which two of the remaining dudes does she not want to fuck? Let’s find out.
One-on-One with Ben H
This week, the dudes are in Killarney, Ireland. After the Cupcake debacle, there are still two more dates before the next Rose Ceremony, and the next one goes to Ben H. Now that Ben Z is gone, does he still go by Ben H or is he just Ben now? I’m not well-versed in the etiquette for this situation. His date card reads, “Let’s make today unforgettable.” He meets up with Kaitlyn and they climb into a rowboat that is questionably seaworthy. Are shitty boats the theme of this season?
Since ABC couldn’t be bothered to spring for a boat with a motor, Ben reminds Kaitlyn that chivalry isn’t dead and paddles her to Innisfallen Island. They play hide-and-seek in some ruins, and Ben remarks that he “likes to imagine that there used to be Vikings here.” Those ruins used to be a monastery, so at least he’s in the right ballpark. Their conversation turns more serious – Kaitlyn says that she feels like Ben is husband material. Given that she told Cupcake something similar before she sent him back the bakery, I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not.
They arrive at dinner, which consists solely of Irish coffee and whiskey. I make a mental note to investigate this restaurant on my next trip to Ireland. Ben tells Kaitlyn that he was in love (with a capital “L-O-V-E”) in his last relationship, and that since it ended, his biggest fear is that he is unlovable as a person. His ex-girlfriend must have a black belt in psychological warfare, because that bitch did a number on him. This blows Kaitlyn’s mind, and she lets him know that she could, and is, falling in love with him. Ben brings up the Fantasy Suite and says to him that time is for more than just the physical aspect of their relationship; he wants to take advantage of being off camera to talk through the night and get to know her on a deeper level. She jumps to the conclusion that since he wants to do anything besides rail her, he must be a virgin. Apparently, this is terrifying. He assures her that he has indeed been deflowered, and Kaitlyn and her vagina breathe a sign of relief.
Group Date with Kentucky Joe, Shawn Princess Special Snowflake Ryan Gosling, and Pubehead McGee
Much to their dismay, these three dudes are relegated to share this week’s final date with one another. The date card reads, “Let’s let our love run amok,” and in a shocking twist, none of them know what the work “amok” means. They spend a few minutes sounding it out and debating whether there’s a difference between “amok” and “muck,” wondering the date has something to do with mud. I’m honestly surprised some of these dudes can think and breathe at the same time.
We don’t actually get to see what ABC meant by “run amok” since the entirety of the date is spent on boring conversations about feelings and shit. Kaitlyn tells the camera that she is nervous about the date because in her mind, a three-on-one is just as difficult as a two-on-one. I see where she’s coming from – it’s a bit more logistically challenging, but nothing that can’t be solved with some extra lube.
Princess Gosling is the first to pull Kaitlyn away. Their conversation reminds me of two kids in middle school, giggling on the playground and talking about the silly argument they had in 3rd period. Princess reminds her that since arriving in Killarney, he hasn’t come to her room in tears a single time. Kaitlyn scratches him behind the ears and gives him a treat for being such a good boy; however, guilt is starting to get the best of her. She decides it’s time to come clean about doing the dirty with Pubehead McGee. Just as she’s about to bring it up, Pubes steals her away. Crisis averted, for now.
Pubehead’s hair is looking extra pubey today. The Irish climate is not his friend. Kaitlyn asks about his thoughts regarding their night together, a polite way of asking, “So how do you feel about banging me?” He feels great about the situation and has #noregrets. I don’t know why Kaitlyn would expect to hear anything different — this is a dating competition, and he’s already won a prize. He goes on to say that he doesn’t just see her as the Bachelorette — she’s the girl he’s in love with, and he’s had feelings for her since before joining the show. Even though Pubes told her he loved her last week, he says it’s scarier for him to say this time. I’m not sure if he means scarier than last week or scarier than last year, when he told Andi the exact same thing.
Kentucky Joe is the last of the dudes to have a private conversation with Kaitlyn. She asks if he feels ready to be engaged, and instead of responding like a normal human, Joe looks deep into her eyes and just dives in for a full on mouth kiss. Did his balls pick this week to finally drop and turn him into a man? The cameraman is filming from a considerable distance, yet all I can see is tongue; it’s like Joe learned how to kiss from watching a giraffe reach for those overpriced crackers you can buy at the zoo. It’s graphic.
Once he stops licking her face, Joe tells Kaitlyn he’s in love with her. Kaitlyn responds that she’s flattered, but she doesn’t think they’re on the same page. I’m sure that’s exactly what Joe was hoping to hear. She goes on to say that although what she felt towards him was real, her other relationships have progressed more quickly. She doesn’t want to keep stringing him along when she already knows that she definitely does not want him inside of her.
After she finishes dumping him, Kaitlyn asks, “Are you upset with me?” like a real bitch. Nah girl, I’m sure he’s fucking ecstatic about professing his love on national television and getting slammed into the friend zone. She broke his heart, and now it’s like she wants him to braid her hair and help her get ready for the next Rose Ceremony. Joe immediately slams down the Iron Curtain around his emotions. Word for word he says, “No worries man, it’s alright.” She asks him for a hug; he complies with about as much excitement as he would if he were hugging his great aunt that always smells like mothballs, Virginia Slims, and sherry.
Kaitlyn clearly wants to have a more in depth conversation; however, Joe is frantically searching for a producer, cameraman or anyone who can help him escape from this situation which is rapidly evolving into his personal hell. He asks Kaitlyn “Where do I go from here?” and she takes that to mean emotionally – in reality I’m pretty sure he meant something along the lines of “Where the hell do I put this microphone? Is my limo ready? Should I leave all my clothes here and just fill up my luggage with the good whiskey from the bar?” She makes one last effort to say something and Joe snaps, saying “I don’t have shit to say to you right now.” Kaitlyn walks off in tears.
She returns to the Princess and the Pubes, and even though there was a rose for this date, she doesn’t feel that she’s ready to give it out yet. She thanks Pubes for his honesty, and tells the Princess she needs to spend more time with him. The two of them get cleaned up and head to a local restaurant. Princess Gosling is fully expecting a night of romance but Kaitlyn has other plans. In a monologue devoid of eloquence and dignity, she manages to stammer out that on her date with Pubes in Dublin, she might have invited him back to her hotel room and perhaps, maybe, accidentally had sex with him. Oops!
Instead of watching ten minutes of the Princess crying and begging for reassurance, we get to watch ten minutes of him nodding and shaking his head in painful silence while his brain processes what Kaitlyn just told him. He tries to speak several times, but just ends up moving his mouth like a dying fish gasping for its last breath. The Princess says he needs a minute to himself and goes to the bathroom to collect his thoughts. He stays in there for a while as he cries, jerks off with his tears, does a few lines of blow, and asks Moaning Myrtle what she thinks he should do. When he emerges, he tells Kaitlyn he’s ready to put on his big boy pants and move past this because to him, she’s worth it. Barf. If that were me, I’d be texting Kentucky Joe to cancel his flight, bring all the whiskey he stole, and get ready to get fucked up.
For the first time this season, no one is safe going into the Rose Ceremony. Even after saying goodbye to Cupcake and Kentucky Joe, there are only three roses left for Princess Gosling, Pubehead McGee, Ben H, and Jared. Kaitlyn makes another attempt at a toast, but instead it comes out like something you’d read in the diary of a drunken 13-year-old.
She offers Princess Gosling the first rose. He walks up to her, and instead of accepting it, he says he needs to talk to her first. Looking at her body language, it seems that his request may have prompted her to shit her sparkly dress. The look of terror on her face could only be described as the female equivalent of what happens to a guy when he gets a text saying, “My period is late.” The Princess asks why, after asking for his honest opinion of Pubes and then telling him he was going to be the winner back in San Antonio she would jeopardize their relationship by bumping uglies with the only dude on the show he hates. For the umpteenth time, Kaitlyn says she wants to explore every relationship and giving him so much reassurance early in the season was a mistake. She knows that trust is incredibly important to him and hopes he’ll be able trust her at the end of this process. Even though Princess has concerns, his desire to fuck fall in love with Kaitlyn outweighs them. He accepts his rose.
The next rose goes to Ben, leaving Pubes and Jared still standing. Kaitlyn gives Pubes the remaining rose, which means Jared gets the boot. Even in the face of rejection, he’s a class act. He offers her his coat once they step outside and says she’ll always have a special place in his heart. Kaitlyn is an idiot. Even though Jared’s facial hair is upsetting, realistically, he’s the only one of the remaining dudes who would actually stay with her long term. As he’s leaving, she says her biggest fear is going through this process and walking away from it alone, and she’s starting to realize that it’s becoming a possibility. As Jared climbs into the limo, Kaitlyn starts to sob. In the background, you catch a brief glimpse of Sacha Baron Cohen in his Borat costume, preparing to collect her gypsy tears.
Fantasy Suite Date with Pubehead McGee
The next destination is Cork, Ireland. I’m not going to waste time rehashing this date; it’s a carbon copy of their one-on-one in Dublin. They walk around, go to a bar and talk to some locals. After a while, they wander into a church and march up to the confessional. That seems appropriate. Pubes tells Kaitlyn about the first time he went to confession; he felt guilty after the first time he “touched some privates” back in the 8th grade. I’m consistently amazed at his ability to say things that make me profoundly uncomfortable. It’s a gift.
They have dinner in a jail, because this show is stupid. The cells are filled with mannequins reenacting the torture and other atrocities that occurred there in the past, and I can’t help but think how frightening it will be when they pull a Night at the Museum and come to life as the sun sets. Kaitlyn pulls a prank on Pubes and takes him to a cell with two damp mattresses surrounded by candles and covered in rose petals, saying it’s their Fantasy Suite. He pretends not to mind, but in reality, he feels like it’s going to be weird to have sex in jail and not be the one having his ass pounded. She lets him in on the joke and takes him to her actual suite for Round Two of “being intimate” and “making love.”
The episode ends with Princess Gosling calling to find out where Pubehead’s room is the next morning. We get to see the beginning of their catfight, and by the looks of the preview there’s much more to come. Next week we’ll hopefully find out which two dudes get hometown dates, bringing us one step closer to finding out who will go with Kaitlyn back to her home on Whore Island in Canada. See you then..
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