I’m consistently surprised by ABC’s editing wizardry — last night they managed to turn a single conversation, a rose ceremony, and two dates into two hours of “entertainment.” Let’s break it down:
Last week ended with Ian teetering on the brink of throwing a full-blown tantrum about how Kaitlyn didn’t adequately recognize his superiority in this competition. Whatever dude, you’re a twat. Your Ivy League education may be impressive on a resume, but in Bachelor world, no one cares. If you think you’re better than the other dudes, let’s remember that you’re on the same fucking television show. The choices and accomplishments you’ve made up to this point are pretty much irrelevant considering they’ve landed you in the same place as four personal trainers, a welder, and a dentist named Cupcake.
Since Ian had already decided he was done with the show, he decided to go out in a blaze of glory. He tells Kaitlyn that he came on this show to find love and a wife, but that she’s too shallow and surface-level for him. He reminds her that he’s a very deep person and he can’t have the type of conversations he appreciates because she’s too busy making jokes. He also says that when he came on the show, he had hoped to find the woman Chris Soules left brokenhearted, not the one who wanted to get her field plowed. If he likes women with broken hearts, maybe he should start dating at funerals instead of on reality television.
Kaitlyn held her tongue throughout Ian’s tirade, but once he stopped talking she lit into him. If looks could kill, Ian would be standing on the scorched earth of Hiroshima. She starts off by saying while she may not be as deep of a person as him, that doesn’t mean that she’s shallow. Humor is an important part of her life and she simply doesn’t see that in him. That’s totally valid – who wants to be married to someone who would rather debate Nietzsche than quote Anchorman? I’m sure those people exist, I’m just grateful I don’t know any of them.
Kaitlyn tells Ian she found the way he handled his feelings to be rude and offensive, and for the first time this season, Kaitlyn and I are on the same page. She posed a single question to him -– “Do you feel good about that?” -– referring to the things he said to her during their conversation. (Subtext – do you feel like a big powerful man who’s regained control of this situation by belittling a woman?) Ian doesn’t respond; he gets up without saying a word to Kaitlyn and walks to the limo for his ride home.
He regains enough composure in the limo to continue pitching himself as the next Bachelor, saying, “I know what it takes to be the Bachelor” and that he’s “destined to be the Bachelor; girls would come out of the woodwork for him because he’s so deep.” I’ll tell you one thing: he may think he’s deep, but he won’t be deep in vagina anytime soon after this shit. Seriously, fuck this guy. He ends his interview by saying, “I need to have some sex.” Good luck with that, Captain Douchewaffle.
Let’s take a moment to recognize that we’re six episodes in and still have 11 of the 25 original guys. Thankfully we have another rose ceremony to thin out the crowd a bit. Apparently these events are hard to come by this season.
This rose ceremony occurring 30 minutes into an episode business is total bullshit. Like, I get it, sometimes you need to build suspense but give us some closure in our lives, ABC.
Ryan Gosling, Pubehead McGee, and Fat Pubes have roses.
The remaining six go to:
Jared: Falling in love with Kaitlyn, needs to shave.
Cupcake: Has he even been on the show since the Aladdin scene?
JJ: Apparently has taken a vow of silence in mourning of Clint’s departure. Fingers crossed that they have a beautiful reunion on Bachelor in Paradise this summer.
Ben Z: We’re down to two personal trainers, guys.
Tanner: Hanging on by a thread.
This means we say goodbye to Justin and Joshua. Although Justin may be surprised he’s going home to his son Marc Anthony without a new stepmom, Joshua’s departure comes as no surprise considering the shitfit he threw last week. Even in his exit interview, Joshua can’t let go of the Pubes thing. He reminds us that he trusted Kaitlyn – which we know, because he’s still sporting the fugly haircut she gave him. Seriously, as soon as you get out of the limo, find someone to fix that shit and then drink until you can’t remember the last five weeks of your life. That’s one blackout you won’t regret once you get back to Idaho.
The remaining dudes find out their next destination is Dublin, and one of them remarks that there’s no better place to fall in love than Dublin. Really? I can think of quite a few off the top of my head that seem more romantic – literally any country whose signature drink isn’t called a “car bomb” would do the trick.
Once the dudes are settled into their suite at the Radisson in Dublin, Kaitlyn drops by to let them know that the next one-on-one is starting immediately. She also let’s them know this one-on-one is for a guy who “stepped up his game” during the last cocktail party. Approximately no one was shocked when the date goes to Pubehead McGee.
One-on-one with Pubes
Let’s not waste our time – Pubes is the dude that Kaitlyn fucks. We’ve been dancing around this for the entire season and it finally happened. I’m not even going to recount the events of this date because the entire day was spent using uncomfortable sexual euphemisms and engaging in blatant and aggressive PDA. After they have dinner, Kaitlyn invites him back to her suite to “hang out” and to “see what happens.” If she didn’t already have a job as the The Bachelorette, she’d be really great at being a dude in college.
Instead of just implying that the two of them banged it out, ABC makes their cameraman hang around outside Kaitlyn’s bedroom to record the sounds coming from inside. Never has closed captioning been so unnecessary or unwanted. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen pornos that were less explicit than this. Although the two of them have this weird, undeniable chemistry, I also think they bring out the worst aspects of each other. To me, Pubes seems like a mega creep, but he’s batting a thousand on getting inside Bachelorettes, so either he has major game or is phenomenal at preying on women’s insecurities. I’ll let you be the judge.
After spending the night in Kaitlyn’s room, Sex Hair McGee does the walk of shame back to the dudes’ suite the next morning. Instead of being discreet or considering that hinting he slipped his pork-sword to the girl they’re all dating isn’t the best idea, he describes their activities the previous night as intimate and personal to anyone who will listen. Hopefully he doesn’t ask anyone to smell his finger while he’s at it.
Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is hanging out on her balcony shitting her pants at the thought of Pubes telling anyone about them doing the horizontal tango. She doesn’t necessarily regret spending the night with him and tells the camera, “We deserved that time together.” (Interestingly enough, those were her exact words when Chris Soules invited her into the fantasy suite last season. At least she’s consistent.) However, in the morning light she realizes her trip to Pleasure Town may have much bigger repercussions than she originally intended. Her existential crisis on the balcony continues for a while, and I’m fairly certain that just off camera there’s a very austere nun ringing a bell, looking at her saying “Shame! Shame! Shame!”
Irish Wake Group Date
Instead of having a group date where the dudes beat the shit out of each other, the producers at ABC decide to make fun of the funeral traditions of an entire culture. Tanner, Ben Z, Shawn, Jared, Ben H, and Cupcake walk into a funeral parlor to find Kaitlyn lying in a coffin and holding a flask of whiskey. Interestingly, that’s exactly how I woke up on Sunday.
This entire situation just raises a lot of questions:
Is this the most inappropriate date in Bachelor history?
Will this result in a lawsuit?
Did someone quit in the date planning department and this was all they could book on short notice?
How did Kaitlyn fit into that child-sized casket?
Is there now a child without a child-sized casket because of this show?
The dudes’ task was to come up with a toast to Kaitlyn while she pretended to be dead in her baby coffin. Shawn makes an awkward joke about Kaitlyn ending up in a coffin because she killed herself after spending an entire day with Pubes. The dudes think it’s hilarious; Kaitlyn giggles uncomfortably. Ben Z makes everyone leave and gives a serious toast, while off screen Kaitlyn hints that inviting the guy whose mother died on a date making fun of funerals may have been a bit too soon. She doesn’t always make the best decisions in the moment, but her hindsight is impeccable. Tanner was by far the funniest – every week I’ve had nothing to say about him, and the dude just fucking gets it. His entire toast is about how he (like everyone watching) is confused about how he’s stuck around so long. His final line is “In case you’ve forgotten, my name is Tanner.” If you’re not going to be a contender, at least own it.
After their whiskey-fueled funeral, they careen into a Guinness-fueled cocktail party. Shawn shows Kaitlyn pictures of his family. Jared tells Kaitlyn he “loves her unapologetic laugh” which is apparently enough to secure him the group date rose and she takes him to this season’s first awkward private concert date. Somehow ABC booked The Cranberries, which may be the best performance we’ve ever seen on this show.
Back with the other dudes, Tanner jokingly says, “I better pack my bags good this week.” However, Shawn doesn’t take Jared getting the rose as well. He walks off and starts talking to the producers, saying, “I can’t do this, man. What, are we going to go to the fantasy suite and she’s going to bang two other dudes?” The episode ends with him leaving to go talk to Kaitlyn. He shows up at her room and she assumes he’s upset over her tryst with Pubes, and considering he is still unaware of that indiscretion, it looks like we may have a Shakespearean powder keg ready to blow next week. See you then. .
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