Alright, folks – after ABC blue-balled us last week with a cliffhanger “to be continued” ending, they made up for it with this week’s episode. Each episode promises to be “the most dramatic episode yet,” and for once, the hype may have been real. This week was a gamechanger – not only do we get to see the conclusion of last week’s rose ceremony, we get a one-on-one date, a group date, another two-on-one date, and a second rose ceremony, cutting the number of ladies vying for love from ten down to our final six. It’s a lot to cover, so let’s break it down:
Rose Ceremony, Part 1
This week’s episode picked up right where last week left off. Prompted by a gaggle of tattle tales, Ben talks to Big O about his concerns she may not be getting along with the women in the house. She says that his favor has put a target on her back, and it’s hard for her to connect with the other contestants since she like “reading books, thinking, and talking smart things.” Ben buys it and proceeds with the Rose Ceremony.
Amanda, O Face, and Lauren H. have roses. The remaining six go to:
1. Caila – Sex panther.
2. Lauren B. – This is only the third time she hasn’t had a rose going into the Rose Ceremony.
3. Jojo – Not blonde.
4. Becca – Purest of them all.
5. Leah – Still not Lauren B.
6. Emily – Thing 1.
This means that in addition to Jubilee, Jen will also be departing Mexico City to go back to her
brothel small business. Her exit also brings this season’s brunette count down to 1.5.
One-on-One Date with Caila
The first date card in the Bahamas goes to Caila and reads “Let’s see if our love is reel.” The women squeal as they pick up on the reel vs. real pun and correctly guess Caila will be going fishing with Ben – gold stars all around for that catch. I guess you really can have beauty and brains on The Bachelor
The ocean isn’t the only things that’s salty as the ladies realize this is Caila’s second one-on-one date – Leah, Big O, and Emily have yet to have a one-on-one date of their own. Most of Ben and Caila’s date is actually spent on footage of Leah sobbing on the floor of hotel bathroom while Lauren H. comforts her like she would a kindergartener that just pooped their pants at recess. In a montage of editing wizardry we ping-pong between sea surf and tears – Ben and Caila hook a fish on the line; Leah flops around on the bathroom floor. Ben and Caila make out on a boat, Leah exclaims she’s going to die alone.
Ben tells the camera that even though he already had a one-on-one date with Caila, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube were huge cockblocks, so he needs more time to get to know her. At dinner, Ben tells Caila he thinks she may use her smile and bubbliness to cover up being uncomfortable, and wants to know how she reacts to difficult situations in relationships. It sounds oddly like an interview and Caila freaks out a little bit. She tells him she feels like she’s expected to bare her deepest, darkest secrets and isn’t ready for that yet. She follows that statement with telling Ben she feels like she’s in love with him. Ben is confused. I am confused. Caila smiles and giggles.
Caila proceeds to tell Ben one of her concerns is that his biggest fear is being unlovable and that her biggest fear is breaking his heart; she worries that those fears might be incompatible. The confusion blossoms into insanity as she says “I know I’m falling in love because I feel like I’m being understood, and I feel that I understand you in a deep way, and being understood and feeling feelings are important. Do you understand?” No Caila, I do not fucking understand.
As Caila continues to word-vomit inspirational Instagram quotes, the background soundtrack turns to happy, “in love” music, so Ben must still be into her. He gives her the date rose because even though he can’t understand what she means, he still wants to bang her.
Swimming Pig Group Date
The group date card arrives and reads, “Love is unpredictable” and is for Lauren B., Becca, Amanda, Jojo, Lauren H., and Leah. The group sets sail on a catamaran, where they rip some shots and bask in the sun until they reach an abandoned beach. Ben explains to the women that he’s brought them here for a special reason – on this beach, there are pigs that come down from the shore and swim in the water. He’s brought a bucket of hot dogs, so their date will consist of feeding these aquatic pigs. Never fear dear readers, the producers made sure to provide chicken hot dogs – apparently encouraging cannibalism is where we draw the line on this show.
Once in the water, Becca leads the pack, waving a limp wiener in her hand for the first time. The aquapigs sense fresh meat and close in; once they get close enough for the girls to realize these aren’t piglets but full on hogs, everyone loses their shit. Complete and utter pandemonium ensues as the pigs chase the women through the water and on the beach, grunting at them and jumping on them. In a tragic twist, three pigs launch a synchronized attack on Jojo, dragging her underwater, where not even a rose could save her. Whoever came up with this date deserves a raise – this was the single best clip of television I have seen in my entire life. I highly encourage watching it here.
After the pigs devoured all the wieners they could find, the group relaxes on the beach. Ben immediately gravitates towards Lauren B., igniting the insecurities of the other women like the Hindenburg. Ben picks up on the tension and tries to talk to Jojo about how he’s feeling. She’s still recovering from being mauled by wild sea pigs; consoling Ben about his girl problems is not high on her priority list given that she’s still gunning for a ring, not the friend zone.
During the evening portion of the date, Ben tells the women he picked up on the mood at the beach and doesn’t want anything to go unsaid tonight, so he wants to have real conversations with each of them. He talks to Becca first, saying he felt like she was standoffish towards him. She agreed, saying that watching his obvious connection with Lauren B. is difficult. She added, “I really, really like you. Making out with Chris made me nauseous, but I almost got a ring without even giving him a handy in the Fantasy Suite because he was so into me. Be more like Chris.”
Ben’s next conversation is with Amanda; he assures her that even though her voice sounds like a drunken elf inhaled helium and then got kicked in the nuts, he cares about her enough to look past that. He’s a better man than me – if the two kids weren’t already a deal breaker, listening to her speak definitely would be.
After speaking to Amanda, Ben takes time to talk to Leah. She’s spent the entire episode whining about being ignored, but when she finally has his attention, all she talks about are other women in the house. She implores him to be careful, and that one of the women acts much different around him than she does off camera. He starts to explain that he knows O Face kind of sucks when she interjects; in a surprising twist, Leah throws her doppelgänger Lauren B. under the bus. Ben seems genuinely shocked, but as he starts to press Leah for more answers, Lauren B. herself shows up to steal Ben away.
Lauren B. immediately picks up that something is bothering Ben, so he brings up Leah’s concerns without mentioning her name. Lauren B. is taken aback; she is confused and concerned Ben may no longer think the sun shines out of her ass. As she returns to the other girls, she reveals that she is a super ugly crier. Leah returns to the group and asks why Lauren B. is crying. They explain the situation, and Leah responds that she would never say anything like that to Ben, and that she definitely wouldn’t say Lauren B.’s name. Methinks the lady doth protest too much; also, we just watched her do exactly what she denied because this is a television show where every fucking move you make is taped, broadcast and then recorded on DVRs across America. Lying really is not your best bet, Leah.
Ben returns, takes one look at the snot and mascara running down Lauren B.’s face and throws the group date rose at the woman closest to the door, which happens to be Amanda, before he sprints back to his hotel to avoid dealing with these bitches anymore.
The rest of this segment is devoted to Leah’s desperate attempt to be noticed by Ben. She tells the camera “Tonight I’m going to have to do something more extreme.” I’m not a big believer in the supernatural, but I’m more than willing to wager that during these hours Clare from Juan Pablo’s season left her body and possessed Leah. She decided to sneak over to his room for some extra one-on-one time. When Leah shows up on his doorstep, Ben seems genuinely happy to see her. He pours some wine, slips into something more comfortable, and they sit down on his couch.
To me, it seemed like Leah had two options at this point – she could have taken this time to have a normal conversation with Ben to make up for never getting a one-on-one date, or she could have done other normal, desperate Bachelor contestant stuff like offering to go skinny dipping, given him an off camera beej, or promised butt stuff if she made it to the Fantasy Suite. However, Leah went with door number 3 and continued to talk mad shit about Lauren B. She was about as successful with this plan as the captain of the Titanic was at avoiding icebergs. Ben isn’t having it, and tells her to go home.
Two-on-One Date with O Face and Former Twin Emily
There are few things in life that make me feel more alive than the phrase “Two women, one rose. One stays, one goes.” That’s the kind of primal reality TV shit I live for. By process of elimination, O Face and Former Twin Emily knew they were set up for this death match since the arrival of the group date card, but the reality of their situation sinks in when the date card actually arrives. It reads, “Let’s sea what the Bahamas have in store…” Spoiler alert: it’s the end of the road for one of you broads.
Big O tells the camera that this won’t even be a competition, especially because Emily is so young. They’re the same age, although I’m sure O Face has managed to swallow a few more gulps of wisdom over her twenty-three years. The two leave the hotel and get into the limo, where they awkwardly contort themselves back-to-back as to avoid any inadvertent eye contact. They arrive at a dock, where they stand waiting for Ben to arrive amidst a looming storm. The foreshadowing is downright poetic.
Ben arrives in a boat I would not describe as seaworthy and the trio powers through some rough looking water to a rocky, abandoned beach. They drink wine in awkward silence before Ben asks to steal O Face away first. She tells him that she’s a very grounded person, and for once I agree with his; she is positively rooted to the ground by those thick fucking ankles. She also assures him that “deep intellectual things are just my jam,” which sounds exactly like what a deeply intellectual person would say, since deeply intellectual people routinely appear on The Bachelor. She goes on to tell him that she’s in love with him and they make out. While her eyes are closed, Ben signals to the producers to start filing the restraining order paperwork.
Ben takes time with Former Twin Emily next. The only notes I have from their conversation are “the wind makes her look like a blonde Chewbacca” and “BOOBS.” I’m going to leave it at that.
Once the three are reunited, Ben immediately grabs the rose and asks Big O to take a walk with him. I’m on the edge of my seat. As he strokes her face with the rose, he tells her that while he appreciates her speaking from her heart, he can’t reciprocate her feelings. He’s also genuinely concerned that she will unhinge her jaw and eat him like a black widow spider after their mating ritual. He gives the rose to Former Twin Emily and they climb aboard the boat, leaving O Face to either join the Others or fend for herself on this abandoned island.
Chris Harrison: “Alright Ben – 3 more roses to give out. Are you going to need a cocktail party to help you decide who stays and who goes?”
Rose Ceremony 2.0
Caila, Amanda, and Former Twin Emily have roses. The remaining three go to:
1. Becca – Keep waving that hot dog.
2. Jojo – More like Brojo.
3. Lauren B. – The last Lauren standing.
This means that in addition to Jen, Leah, and O Face, we’re also saying goodbye to Lauren H. this week. As Lauren H. wept tears of sadness during her exit interview, I spilled tears of joy into my wine glass. Time to slide into those DMs.
Based on the previews for upcoming episodes, Ben tells two of the women he loves them. Strong work – it’s always good to have a backup plan. That’s definitely not going to backfire. It also appears that everyone spends the remainder of the season in tears, and I couldn’t be more excited about it. See you then. .