Alright folks. Remember last week when I suggested that ABC bring in George R.R. Martin to help pare down Nick’s choices for his future alimony recipient? Someone must have listened to, because this week was the Bachelor version of The Red Wedding. We start the episode with twelve contestants left, and by the end only six are remain standing, all of whom are scrambling to find a life raft amidst a flood of Nick’s tears and the blood of their fallen comrades. Let’s break it down:
Corinne vs. Taylor, Part II
Last week’s episode ended as Nick said “Bye, Felicia” to Taylor in the middle of a swamp before heading back to New Orleans with Corinne for more sloppy make outs and heavy petting. Taylor did not take this rejection well, and instead of accepting defeat, decided to channel her rage into getting Corinne booted as well.
Imbued with the dark powers bestowed upon her by the voodoo priestess, Taylor hoofs it like 30 miles through the bayou to crash the remainder of Nick and Corinne’s date. “I won’t go home without speaking my truth,” she tells the camera before she creeps through the door of the building where Nick and Corinne are pretending to eat dinner. The building appears to be a church, however this cannot be confirmed as Corinne did not immediately burst into flames upon crossing the threshold.
“Hey guys!” Taylor starts, as if it’s totally normal for her to be standing there. “I just needed to say a few things before I leave. First off, Corinne, you lied today!” Taylor asserts, standing there with her signature smug look.
“Whatever, bitch. I’m still here,” Corinne replies. “And you have mud on your stank face and twigs in your hair. You look like you just fucked Groot.”
“Anyway,” Taylor continues. “Can I talk to you for a moment, Nick?” Nick begrudgingly agrees and follows Taylor outside.
They sit on the steps of the church. Taylor takes a long pull out of a bottle concealed in a brown paper bag before speaking. “I’m assuming the reason I’m no longer a participant in this process is because my character was called into question today, and you think I’m a bully, but I want you to know that you’ve been manipulated, and you’ve been lied to. You’ve been flat out lied to; I want you to open your eyeballs. I’m not the only one saying this. Vanessa said she would give her rose back if you were just looking for fun or for someone like Corinne.”
“I appreciate what you’re saying,” Nick starts, his eyes still glazed over from not listening and also not giving one single, solitary fuck what Taylor just said. “But I just want you to know that my decision to send you home wasn’t based on what Corinne said about you. If you think that I listen to a word that comes out of that whore’s mouth, you are sorely mistaken. I just didn’t want to look at your face or hear you talk anymore, but here we are…” he trails off. They sit in an uncomfortable silence as Taylor absorbs the rejection for the second time. “So I’m gonna go now,” Nick tells her as he heads back inside the church. “That limo is for you.” Taylor takes another long pull from the bottle in the bag before finally admitting defeat and heads home to her job as a mental health counselor, where she offers people advice about healthy relationships because apparently nothing is sacred.
The cocktail party was canceled due to lack of hustle. Deal with it.
Corinne, Danielle M., and Rachel already have roses. The remaining six go to:
– Kristina – Russian dental hygienist
– Raven – Southern accent, told Nick she loved him after one date, beat her ex-boyfriend with a stiletto, possibly more insane than Corinne
– Vanessa – Still flawless
– Danielle L – Boob City
– Jasmine – Seriously?
– Whitney – Still not Assturd
This means that in addition to Taylor, this week we say goodbye to our favorite Dolphinshark Alexis, who was low-key hilarious (although not low key bonkers), Jaimi and her nose balls, and Josephine and her nose.
As the group is whittled down to nine, Chris Harrison congratulate the ladies on making it through another round of
The Hunger Games The Bachelor and informs them that they have finally advanced far enough in the competition to be rewarded with international travel – and their first stop is St. Thomas.
Nick is also excited about the prospect of spending a week in the Caribbean. “I hope this is the week I start falling in love! It should be easier now that I know everyone’s name.” He makes a grand arrival to the island on a seaplane and the ladies greet him ashore. He surprises them by announcing that the first one-on-one date of the week will start immediately, and goes to Kristina.
One-on-One Date with Kristina
The only thing I would suggest if you haven’t actually watched this segment of the episode is to find some tissues, because things get real deep, real quick. Even my cold, dead heart melted a little bit as Kristina opened up about her past.
Nick tells Kristina he wants to know more about her, and the floodgates open. Damn it, they open. She tells him about her childhood in Russia and growing up with her absentee mom. One of Kristina’s earliest memories was a day when her mother told her not to eat anything all day, and that when she returned home that night, she would bring some food. Young Kristina got hungry and searched the house for something to eat, and finding only bare cupboards and no food, resorted to eating lipstick because she was so hungry. When her mother returned home, she was so angry that Kristina had disobeyed by eating that day, she screamed at her to leave.
Kristina ran away and found herself in an orphanage. Her mother never came looking for her; in fact Kristina never saw her mother again. She stayed in the orphanage until she was twelve years old, and at that time, she agreed to leave Russia and everything she knew to be adopted by a family she’d never met in the United States. A big part of her decision was that in Russia, she would have been kicked out of the orphanage at the age of sixteen, and she knew that likely her only way to survive at that point would be to turn to prostitution, so she decided she’d take a hard pass on that life.
Nick sits in stunned silence at this story. I immediately start chugging wine straight from the bottle in an attempt to get too drunk to feel feelings anymore, because I did not sign up for this emotional roller coaster. If I wanted to experience this kind of pain, I would have saved myself two hours of watching this shit and just kicked myself in the nuts and called it a night. Nick gives Kristina the date rose because she’s obviously an incredible person who has faced more adversity than the rest of the women on the show combined. I refuse to say anything negative about her because although I’m pretty sure I’m already going to hell, I know that talking shit about an angel is a good way to ensure that my nonrefundable, nontransferable, one-way ticket to Hades gets stamped most expeditiously.
Meanwhile, back in the hotel suite, Jasmine has a meltdown because she has yet to be taken on a one-on-one date. Frankly, a lot of the episode is spent focusing on this, because apparently Jasmine is the only person who can’t tell that Nick isn’t that interested in her. If I were Jasmine, I’d shut my mouth and enjoy my free vacation, alas, I am the one at home on my couch trying to stay warm with three blankets while Jasmine bitches in a tropical paradise.
More importantly than Jasmine’s insecurity, during this time, Lorna, the hotel maid, introduces herself to the ladies in the suite and informs them that she is there to help out with anything they need. Corinne immediately forgets about the existence of Raquel and latches on to Lorna, asking her to get the wrinkles out of her dress, warm her towels, and bring her drinks by the pool. Back in Miami, Raquel quietly murmurs, “These hoes ain’t loyal” as she stirs a pot of cheese pasta.
Trainwreck Group Date
This week’s group date card reads “Life’s a Beach” and is addressed to Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M, and Jasmine. It’s stacked group – all of these women have had serious connections with Nick, except for Jasmine. They meet Nick, who informs them that he wants to have a relaxing date. They all load up on a catamaran and head to a secluded beach.
The date starts off strong. “Who wants to get hammered?” Nick asks. “Let’s do shots.” This is my kind of date. I prefer day drinking to any other type of drinking, and spending the day getting lit on the beach sounds pretty ideal. However, things quickly take a turn, kind of like the turn the Hindenburg made as it ignited and plummeted to the earth in a fireball of death, destruction, and despair.
Nick suggested the ladies play a 3-on-3 game of volleyball, so between the sports and the alcohol, all of their insecurities got fired up simultaneously. After a while, they all gave up, tired of having to compete for attention, and annoyed that Nick continually coddled Corinne, who got drunk, gave up on volleyball, and started napping. At this point, I am legitimately concerned that Corinne might be my soul mate, because in my ideal life, I would spend every day getting drunk, eating pasta, napping, and flat out refusing to do anything I didn’t want to do. Towards the end of the afternoon, the booze really kicks in and all of the ladies start crying at once. They go their separate ways, sitting alone in tears while Nick is left standing by himself, his half chub from watching their volleyball game quickly deflating.
Nick tells the camera that he feels that it’s important to talk to the women during the evening’s cocktail party to salvage the date. No shit, Pubes. When someone, or everyone, on a date with you is in tears, it’s not usually a sign that things are gong well.
Nick grabs Rachel first. “So today was awful,” she tells him. “I’m falling for you, and if you aren’t serious about this, I’m going home.” Nick reassures her, telling her that if she went home, he would be devastated. His conversation with Vanessa is similar, except she cries more than Rachel. Even Corinne tells Nick that she’s having a tough time, and since she’s found a replacement nanny to take care of her needs, you know that she must be serious.
We don’t get to see much of Nick’s conversations with Raven or Danielle M., because instead we’re subjected to more of Jasmine losing her goddamn mind that Nick hasn’t asked to talk to her. “I’m going to call him out on this bullshit,” she announces to the group. “I will not be ignored.” Raven mutters under her breath, “Great fucking plan, you psycho.”
Nick finally asks Jasmine if he can have some time to talk to her. They sit down at a picnic table, and Jasmine wastes no time announcing, “In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t had a one-on-one date. Everyone else here has. I haven’t gotten a group date rose. I just feel overlooked, which is strange, because I know that I make my presence known when I’m in a room. I’m right here, do you not see me?”
Clearly, Nick did not predict his conversation with Jasmine would go in this direction and is put on the defensive. He tries to turn the conversation back around on Jasmine, asking “So up to this point, how do you think our conversations have gone, Jaimi? On second thought, have we ever had a conversation before?”
Jasmine stammers around for an answer. (Spoiler alert: she doesn’t have a good one.) “I just have strong feelings for you, and when you ignore me, it makes me mad and want to choke you!” she tells Nick, and she actually reaches out and wraps her hands around Nick’s neck. It’s super uncomfortable. “Sorry about that, didn’t mean to give you chokey there.” Just when you thought things couldn’t get weirder, Jasmine has to go and use a word like “chokey” and everything becomes truly awful. You’d think it would stop there, but just like Trump’s Twitter, things just keep getting worse. “I mean, unless you liked the chokey…have you ever had a girl choke you before? I can climb right up there and ride you and give you a nice, long, hard chokey if you want…” Jasmine continues, batting her eyelashes and hoping that she has successfully diverted enough blood from Nick’s brain to his penis that he won’t remember their conversation.
Jasmine’s seduction attempt was roughly as effective as the Falcons in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl. Nick flatly tells Jasmine, “Yeah, I’m not into that,” before he cups his hands and shouts “Ca-CAW, Ca-CAW,” hoping one of the producers will sense his distress and get him the fuck out of this situation. He is not so fortunate. He looks as Jasmine, who stares at his tender neck and licks her lips. “Yeah…you’re gonna have to go,” he tells her. “It’s nothing personal…it’s just that I’m afraid of you and am probably going to have the ABC legal team look into getting a restraining order placed against you. Have a safe flight!”
We don’t see the rest of the date, nor do we know if anyone got the group date rose. Things in St. Thomas are going about as well as Nick’s previous attempts at winning The Bachelorette.
Two-on-One Date with Danielle L. and Whitney
The final date of this week is yet another two-on-one. Danielle L. and
Not Assturd are perplexed as to why Nick would pit them against each other. “It’s not like we’re Corinne and Taylor,” Danielle tells the camera. “We don’t hate each other!”
Nick arrives in a helicopter and Danielle L. and Whitney climb aboard. Nick sits awkwardly between them as they fly to a private beach. Once they arrive, he talks to Whitney first, telling her “I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but you’re really beautiful. And you just have this calming aura that I really appreciate.” Whitney takes a moment, and then says, “Thank you,” effectively doubling the number of words she has said on camera thus far.
Nick walks down the beach to talk to Danielle L. She tells him that since their one-on-one date, she has imagined what a life with him would be like. Nick asks her to tell him more, and she says, “I wouldn’t want you to be my other half. I’d want you to be my equal partner.” With that, Nick tells the camera he can immediately see a difference between his relationships with Danielle L. and Whitney. Looking over his shoulder, he yells, “Hey…hey you. Ass..no. Whitney – hey, like, this is awkward. As much as I’d like to give you this rose, I can’t. Mostly because I want to give it to Danielle L. more, and I already fingerblasted her back on a grassy knoll in my hometown, so things are already kind of serious.”
Whitney seems shocked and chooses now to speak a full fucking sentence for the first god damn time. “It’s easy to let a relationship evolve when you spend more time with a person. Do you really think Danielle is ready for a relationship?” Similar to his explanation to Taylor, Nick tells Whitney, “I don’t know if she’s ready for a relationship with me, but I’m definitely ready for a relationship with those titties. Also, this isn’t about Danielle and me, it’s about you and me. And while you’re very attractive, you’re so boring it is physically painful.”
With that, Danielle L. and Nick get back in the helicopter, leaving Whitney stranded on the beach. She looks around, realizing she is lost and utterly alone without a way home. She slowly closes her eyes, knowing what she must do next. With a voice barely above a whisper, she calls out, “Olivia? Are you there?” She opens her eyes for a brief moment, and finding herself still alone, tries again. “Olivia? OLIVIA?” Suddenly she hears a strange clicking noise carried across the wind as a black cloud rushes towards her. Stopping just in front of Whitney, a beautiful blonde woman emerges, a smile slowly spreading across her giant mouth. “Welcome, my child,” the woman says. “Welcome to your new home.”
With Whitney out of the picture, Nick and Danielle treat the remainder of their time as a second one-on-one date. They sit down at their fake dinner and have an even more fake conversation. It is incredibly forced and awkward – somehow more awkward than when Nick introduced her to his ex-girlfriend and showed her some of his old hook up spots back in his hometown, which is saying a lot. Nick tries to break the awkward silence and asks her to describe her ideal relationship in 2 words. Danielle L. thinks for a moment before she responds, “I’d have to go with April 15th…not too warm, not too cold – all you need is a light jacket!” Nick looks perplexed. “Oh, sorry!” Danielle L. backtracks. “Wrong answer. I’d have to go with love and trust.”
Nick is still not pleased with her answers. “Well that’s boring as fuck,” he mutters. “I want something that’s adventurous and raw, you know? I want my wife to be the one person I can be my true self around.”
Danielle throws a classic Bachelor Hail Mary. “I’M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU!” she spits out excitedly. The cameras cut to interview with Nick. “It’s the second time so far someone has said this to me, and in my heart I know I don’t feel the same way about them.” Woof. That’s not what anyone wants to hear. Sorry, Raven, looks like you may be on the chopping block as well.
The action cuts back to the date. Danielle sits in anxious anticipation, waiting for Nick to speak. “If there was someone I wanted to be the one, it was definitely you. I went into this day hoping and wanting desperately to end today wanting to give you this rose. But I feel in my heart that I can’t. I’m sorry…and I hope I’m not screwing this all up.” Well Pubes, you are screwing this up. I had Danielle L. winning in my fantasy league, so thanks for ruining that too.
After putting a tearful Danielle into a limo, Nick heads back to the suite where the remaining six ladies wait. He starts crying like a baby back bitch, and tells them “I’m just terrified this isn’t going to work for me. I don’t know if I can keep doing this!”
The episode ends with Nick walking out of the hotel, still crying, unsure if his 4th attempt at finding love on the Bachelor franchise will be any more successful than his first three attempts. It looks like next week is full of more crying and Corinne’s attempt at sexual healing with her platinum vagine. See you then. .