A Dude’s Breakdown Of Week 4 Of “The Bachelorette”

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A Dude’s Breakdown Of Week 4 Of “The Bachelorette”

This episode picked up where we left off last week, which was in the middle of ABC’s direct-to-video sequel to Brokeback Mountain, starring Clint and JJ.

Up to this point, Clint did a commendable job of feeding Kaitlyn exactly what she wanted to hear, securing himself a position as an early frontrunner and ensuring more time to play hide the pickle with JJ. Eventually Kaitlyn caught on to what was happening and decided to send him home. When Kaitlyn told the other dudes about her decision, JJ began to weep, looking at Clint as if he wanted nothing more than to whisper sweet nothings into his ear and caress him gently. He quickly disguised his true feelings by calling Clint out on wasting everyone’s time by creating unnecessary drama in the house, and demanding that Clint apologize to the group.

Like a lover scorned, something inside Clint snapped, leading to one of the ugliest breakups in Bachelor history — mostly consisting of Clint and JJ standing uncomfortably close and calling each other bags of shit. I wasn’t sure if they were going to throw punches or make out, and honestly I’m not sure which of those outcomes I was hoping to see. As Clint leaves, his parting words to JJ are making fun of how he matched his tie to his shirt – I guess JJ didn’t go with the outfit Clint laid out for him earlier after all.

Things got even stranger after Clint left in the limo. The cameras cut to JJ standing in the dark, slapping himself in the face saying “You son of a bitch, pull it together!” He has a child. This man’s genes have survived another generation. This is why we can’t have nice things.

The night ends without a rose ceremony because sending one guy home was apparently enough of an emotional toll on Kaitlyn for one night.

Rap Battle Group Date

A date card which reads “Let’s keep our love fresh” is given to:

Jonathan: #TeamBritt #TeamKaitlyn
Justin: Julius Caesar’s dad. Killing the middle part game today.
Ben Z: Hopefully has washed his hands since reaching into that toilet full of snakes and shit.
Cocaine Corey
Ryan: Don’t know, don’t care.
Tanner: ?????
JJ: Lost without Clint
Ryan Gosling

I secretly hope they’re going to a meatpacking plant or a mortician’s office — anywhere that there’s a decent chance something awful could happen, no one would notice, and their bodies could be disposed of easily. Instead, they go to some studio where they are greeted by Kaitlyn and Doug E Fresh. ABC must be getting paid to refer to him as an “icon,” because it’s mentioned every other sentence even though it’s clear none of the dudes recognize him. They learn this date will consist of competing in a rap battle — Doug E. says that rap battles are like gladiator fights, which either means he has a grossly misinformed view of history or we’re about to have some first rate entertainment and bid adieu to seven of these dudes, which would really speed up the glacial pace of this season.

The rap battle does indeed occur, and is fucking terrible. A few of the dudes crack some decent jokes, but most of the camera time is spent panning over to Nick V., who is sitting in the audience with a group of contestants from former seasons. All you need to know about this guy is that he made it to the finale of Andi’s season of The Bachelorette, until she sent him home before the final rose ceremony because she couldn’t stand his smothering personality, that his hair looks like pubes, or his empty eyes which make you wonder if he has a dead hooker chopped up into little pieces hidden in his deep freeze.

After the event is over, Nick approaches Kaitlyn and tells her that he doesn’t like the idea of seeing her getting engaged without getting the chance to meet her in person. Kaitlyn reveals that she and Nick “struck up a friendship over social media after he said he liked the way she carried herself.” Translation: she noticed him surreptitiously liking 6-month-old photos on her Instagram at 3:00 a.m. and realized she kind of liked it. She gives the camera guy some line about being conflicted and confused about what to do with Nick, but considering she’s fangirling in a broom closet over the fact that he talked to her, it’s pretty obvious that she’s into it.

Kaitlyn decides the best conversation starter for the rest of the group date is telling the dudes she’s considering bringing Nick into the mix. Their reactions range from skeptical to annoyed, which seems reasonable given the situation. Instead of actually spending time talking to them about it, she leaves to go make out with Nick on a pier. Kaitlyn is about as good at being the Bachelorette as I would be at describing a human centipede to my grandmother.

Eventually she makes her way back to the dudes she abandoned earlier in the night. Justin tells her that having another guy on the season doesn’t feel like a threat to him, which earned him the group date rose and confirmed that telling Kaitlyn exactly what she wants to hear is the key to success this season.

One-on-One Date with Jared

The vast majority of the time devoted to this segment has nothing to do with Jared. To get ready for this date, Kaitlyn has to get her hair done. It turns out her stylist is none other than Ashley S. from last season of The Bachelor, who is certifiably batshit insane. Even though it seems her medication regimen is under much better control these days, I’m still concerned that she might go Sweeney Todd at some point during this appointment. Kaitlyn confesses she doesn’t know what to do about Nick, and Ashley tells her it’s important to know the difference between love and lust – which is actually incredibly profound coming from a woman who said she felt powerful after she ripped a pomegranate apart with her bare hands on camera and later proceeded to repeatedly shoot paid actors with a paintball gun on a group date. When she is the voice of reason on The Bachelorette we know things have officially spiraled out of control. Where is Chris Harrison? Has he abdicated the Iron Throne of Bachelor Nation, leaving total anarchy?

Kaitlyn leaves the salon and meets Nick on some street corner. He must have been coming from a different salon, because his hair looks much less like 70’s bush than usual. His stalking persistence pays off and Kaitlyn says she wants him to join the season and that he can move in with the rest of the guys. I hope he makes it to the finale just so we can watch him get dumped again. I also hope he burns that fucking cardigan.

Jared’s date consists of the two of them getting all dolled up and traipsing around a museum after hours. He looks halfway decent now that he’s gotten rid of his dirt ‘stache. Kaitlyn tells the camera all she can think about is Nick and again, instead of giving a shit about the guy she’s actually with, she asks Jared what he thinks of the situation. He basically tells her that this is her show, so it’s time for her to put on some big girl pants and make up her damn mind. In a shocking twist, Jared knows how to read and write well enough to compose a poem for Kaitlyn. It even rhymes. Apparently she was so impressed with it that she stopped thinking about Nick long enough to make out with Jared in a helicopter circling the Statue of Liberty. He gets a rose. Such romance.

Broadway Group Date

The next group date card reads “Let’s play,” and goes to:

Ian: Princeton, track, hit by a car, boring
Kentucky Joe
Joshua the Welder
Ben H: Apparently not Nick after putting on a few pounds

They show up to the set of the Aladdin play at the New Amsterdam Theatre, where they learn their date is being put through a Broadway audition; whoever does best gets to make a cameo appearance during that night’s performance of Aladdin alongside Kaitlyn. As much as I enjoy embarrassing moments, it’s time to stop pretending these dudes are artistically talented.

Predictably, the singing and dancing is dismal. Joshua, Joe and Ben H give it the old college try but don’t have the chops. Ian sings his heart out, but it was Cupcake that walked away victorious after he showed the judges he knows his way around a show tune. The rest of the guys have to go back to the hotel and are pissed. Joshua lets us know that when he gets angry, he likes to go out to the barn and punch hay bales. I wonder if that’s considered domestic violence back in Idaho, because I’m guessing he’s fucked one or two of them as well.

Cupcake thinks “Aladdin is the perfect story for this date, because I’m really going after a princess!” I hate to break it to him, but in this version of the story, he’s the princess and Kaitlyn is the street rat. They spend 30 seconds on stage, and when they’re done, Kaitlyn walks off smiling like she just won a damn Tony for standing there in the shadows. Their next stop is a rooftop where they store the New Year’s Eve Ball. They make out. He gets a rose.

The episode ends with ten minutes of watching Nick pull his rolling bag through Times Square and footage of the entirety of his elevator ride up to the suite to move in with the rest of the dudes. If ABC was struggling so much to fill this episode, they should have given us a rose ceremony. Then again, Kaitlyn can’t hook up with all the dudes if all the dudes aren’t still on the show. It looks like they start to call her out on her bullshit next week, which will be a refreshing change of pace from her incessant whining. See you then.

Image via Shutterstock

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