Alright, folks – remember about 36 hours ago when ABC delivered us a cliffhanger ending, leading us to believe that Chad was about to beat the shit out of the rest of the dudes in the house? None of that happened. Turns out it was just your classic bait and switch from the ABC editors. We should stop falling for their pranks. Last night’s episode started with a rehashing of Chris Harrison’s conversation with Chad; essentially Chris tells him to play nice with the other boys and that he can’t hit people. Or juice in the Bachelor Mansion. You know, normal things that need to be explicitly stated to an adult male about how to behave as a human.
Chris also tells Chad to apologize and make things right with the other dudes. I halfway expected Chad to rip Chris’s head from his body, eat his eyeballs for the protein, and then shove the remains up Harrison’s own ass. However, in an unexpected plot twist, Chad goes up to the rest of the dudes and gives a half-hearted apology. He tells them that he “doesn’t have a problem with any of them,” and grumbles for a little while about his buttons being pushed.
Evan pipes up again to remind Chad that he still feels entitled to an apology and another shirt. Chad responds, “Fine dude, I’ll give you $20. Make sure you get a shirt with an extra deep V to match your extra deep vagina, you twat.” Wells jumps into the conversation as well, emphasizing that the dudes don’t necessarily dislike Chad, their concern stems from his short fuse; his tendency to snap makes them uneasy living in the house with him. Chad chuckles. “Just because I could snap you like a twig doesn’t mean I will, child,” he whispers. Eventually, James Taylor brokers an agreement between Chad and the rest of the dudes, who are rapidly looking like they would be the underdogs in a street rumble with the Vienna Boys Choir, and everyone agrees to leave everyone else alone. Groundbreaking stuff. I’m glad we didn’t have to call in the Peace Corps for this shit.
Instead of having another boring cocktail party before this week’s Rose Ceremony, JoJo opts for an all day pool party instead. It’s the perfect opportunity for her to get good and daydrunk while being even more handsy than usual with her hoard of potential concubines. I think it’s a great idea – the more opportunities we have to see JoJo in a bikini, the better.
The pool party starts on an upsetting note as the dudes all side-dive into the pool like they’re an all-male synchronized swimming team auditioning for a yogurt commercial instead of a group of red-blooded American (and one Canadian) dudes who are trying to get a babe to sleep with them. As they emerge from the pool, JoJo notices that Evan’s face is bleeding; she immediately shouts, “Chad, did you do this?” I think she’s mostly joking, but there is probably a sliver of actual concern there. It turns out that although Evan was able to father children, he unfortunately still menstruates out of his nose with frightening regularity.
Eventually JoJo tires of taking tequila shots and watching the dudes chicken fight and pulls Jordan away for some alone time. She promptly mounts him and they make out for a while. JoJo tells the camera, “I’m just not sure Jordan is into me the way that I’m into him.” You know that Jordan has it made when the girl who is dating seventeen other dudes is concerned that he’s just not that into her. JoJo continues, telling Jordan that she really likes him and wants to know more about him, because she has a hard time reading him, which makes her nervous. If JoJo is trying to read Jordan like a book, she should probably stop looking for words, because my guess is that his book is mostly filled with pictures. Jordan reassures her and insists that he isn’t putting on an act, and that he is at least somewhat into her. He’d prefer to be somewhat inside her, but he’s willing to wait at least until the Fantasy Suite.
The rest of the coverage of the pool party shows us snippets of JoJo’s conversations with the rest of the dudes. Robby comes up to her like a puppy who needs attention, telling her that he’s developing feelings a lot faster than he expected. She smiles as she pushes him off her leg, which he has begun to gently hump. “Easy there, boy. You’re cute but we’ve had four conversations. Reel it in.” That last part may have been what I was thinking.
JoJo talks to Chad and asks if he’s been on his best behavior. “I didn’t punch the ugly little girl. I mean Evan,” he reminds her. She tells him that she was mad at him for being an asshole on the group date when he questioned her giving the rose to Evan and that he should cut that shit out. He grunts.
The rest of JoJo’s conversations also revolve around Chad. I keep forgetting we’re watching Chad’s An Asshole, not The Bachelorette. She tells Evan things seem better with Chad, and I think she genuinely believes it until she talks to Derek. Derek tells her that he moved out of Chad’s room for fear of being murdered in his sleep and the dudes called in a security guard. JoJo is shocked. “Even we weren’t that afraid of Olivia eating us. This must be serious.”
Unfortunately for Derek, Chad overhears this conversation. He is displeased. Possibly hungry. Perhaps both, because when Chad heads into the kitchen, Derek is calmly making a sandwich. Chad calls him out for throwing him under the bus to JoJo, and Derek calmly replies that JoJo asked what was going on, so he simply explained the situation. Chad leaves and broods for a bit before deciding to talk to Derek again. He pulls him off to the side and wags his finger in Derek’s face. His anger is apparent, and I’m not sure how much more emotion Chad’s vascularity can take before he explodes into a bloody puddle of rage.
“I want to clear something up,” Chad spits at Derek. “Whatever guy like me stole your girlfriend, it wasn’t me.” That is an arrogant assumption, but par for the course in Chadland. Maybe Derek doesn’t like you because you’re a horrible person. He continues, “I don’t know you. I don’t talk to you. Are you scared of me?” Derek stammers, “Yeah. I’m terrified of you. You flip out on people. You’re unpredictable. I’ve already had to change my underwear twice today, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need third cleanup right about now.” Chad delivers an ultimatum telling Derek, “Mind your own business and live your fucking life. Keep my name out of your mouth.” As Chad walks away, Derek somehow finds his testicles amidst the mess in his drawers and says, “If JoJo asks me I’m telling her you told me to say that!” Chad is possibly the worst human alive, but I’d have a lot more sympathy for the rest of the dudes if they weren’t all baby back bitches.
After an episode that has lasted a year and taken roughly the same amount of time off my life, we’re finally rewarded with a Rose Ceremony. Chase, Evan, and James Taylor already have roses. The remaining eleven go to:
1. Grant – Thanks to all of you for deciphering Chad’s SpongeBob insult. Grant looks exactly like Handsome Squidward. Also isn’t that a fairly obscure character for Chad to be able to reference? Maybe he writes a SpongeBob recap in his spare time.
2. Derek – Chad’s former roommate, Captain of the Baby Back Bitch Squad
3. Jordan – Tough for JoJo to read. If she wants an easier read, she should check out his NFL stats
4. Luke – War Veteran
5. Robby – Former Competitive Swimmer, currently needs a cold shower
6. Wells – Tiny DJ
7. James F. – I guess the F stands for fucking still on this show somehow
8. Vinny – No relation to Becky with the good hair
9. Daniel – Canadian
10. Alex – Small Marine
11. Chad – Survives to enchant our televisions again
This means that we are saying goodbye to Ali and his eyebrows, Saint Nick and his oral prowess, and Christian, who can go home to continue caring for his grown ass brothers.
I’m already exhausted, and we still have an actual episode to endure.
One-on-One Date with Luke
After the Rose Ceremony, JoJo tells the dudes to pack their purses, because they’re leaving the Bachelor Mansion for good. Their first destination is the romantic village of Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. Who needs a mansion in LA when you’ve got Pennsylvania? After consulting Professor Google, I learned that Nemacolin is somewhere between Pittsburgh and Morgantown, West Virginia, right in the middle of a part of the country I never hope to see.
JoJo arrives to Nemacolin in style, and by that I mean she flies in a biplane that is likely used for crop dusting wearing an outfit that I can only assume was recycled from a porno about Amelia Earhart. She tells the camera, “It feels so good to be in Pennsylvania!” Does it though, Jojo? Does it?
This week’s first date card goes to Luke, and reads, “I like you very mush.” During the commercial break, my friends and I debate what “mush” could refer to other than dogsledding. Spoiler alert- it referred to dogsledding. I didn’t realize that was an activity that was common outside of Alaska or in places where there is currently no snow, but apparently I was wrong on both counts. Can’t win them all.
JoJo and Luke climb into what appears to be an old go-kart frame with the engine ripped off and are whisked away by the Pennsylvania dog sled team. As if riding around in a decrepit metal cart wouldn’t be uncomfortable enough, I’m fairly sure their only backrest is the legs of the rando who is steering the cart. The producers really outdid themselves on this date.
Taking a page out of Ben Higgins’ romance handbook, the couple arrives at a hot tub strategically placed in the middle of nowhere. They must be somewhere between Amish country and wherever the Appalachian inbreds roam, because there is no electricity available, so they’re forced to use a wood-fired hot tub. That seems like a cool and environmentally friendly idea until you realize you actually have to chop the wood to make the hot tub hot. Hard pass. Luke doesn’t seem to mind and gets right to work. He does such a good job of chopping wood that as JoJo climbs into the tub, she screams “Oh fuck it’s hot!”
Being the gentleman he is, Luke picks JoJo up by her ass and helps slowly dip her into the hot tub. Eventually, she acclimates and they drink champagne and make out. How original. Nothing special happens in the hot tub – they discuss how Luke likes peace and quiet since he grew up on a ranch, and that he’s satisfied with where he life has led him. He’s easily the most normal dude on this show; I like that he doesn’t seem to constantly spew bullshit and insecurity.
At dinner, their conversation goes deeper. Luke talks about his military training; he was recruited to play football for West Point, and afterwards entered the army as a lieutenant where he served in Afghanistan for a year. JoJo mentioned his relaxed confidence was something that was very attractive to her, and Luke explained that realizing as a twenty-three-year-old kid the lives of the men in his platoon were in his hands caused him to grow up quickly and truly respect the value of life. When I was twenty-three, I could barely handle paying the cable bill without a sticky note to remind me, so I respect the hell out of Luke for that answer.
JoJo asks Luke if there’s anything that haunts him from that year, and he reveals that a close friend of his was killed in action. Since being back, he said it has been a struggle to reconnect with his emotions; he’s naturally a very emotional person but when at war, emotions are weakness so he had to bury that part of himself. He goes on to say that his favorite things in life are the moments that give you chills and make the hair on the back of your neck stand up, and that staring into JoJo’s eyes, he knew he was in the middle of one of those moments. He’s so smooth it’s painful. Panties across America are flung at television screens as JoJo gives him the rose. Luke is in this for the long haul, methinks.
JoJo has one last surprise for Luke and leads him into a crowded theater. They walk through a crowd of screaming girls and climb onto the stage of a Dan + Shay concert. As the music plays, they make out on a pedestal. Luke tells JoJo he’s falling for her, and JoJo says she feels like the luckiest girl in the world. Dan + Shay tell the camera they wish their own damn audience was paying attention to them at their own damn concert.
Football Group Date
The group date card arrives, and it is addressed to Derek, James Taylor, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby. It reads “We. Could. Go. All. The. Way.” Vinny rubs his hands together and tells the dudes, “Alright guys. Let’s get oiled up for this gangbang.” What is he still doing here?
The crew rolls up to the romantic destination of Heinz Field in Pittsburgh where they are greeted by none other than Ben Roethlisberger. Does his parole officer double as a Bachelorette producer? Hines Ward and Brett Keisel join the dudes and run them through a few football drills. While they’re running around, Big Ben sizes up his competition and his chances of putting one in JoJo’s endzone before the date is over. She talks about a few of the guys she likes and mentions Chase and Evan by name. Ben remarks that “Evan isn’t your football-looking guy,” which may actually be the kindest thing anyone has said about Evan yet this season. It’s certainly the nicest thing you’ll find in this column.
During the course of running drills, a battle of the James’s occurs as James Taylor and James F. knock heads. James Taylor comes up from the ground covered in blood. Back in Nemacolin, Chad’s shark sense detects the spillage. “I DIDN’T FUCKING DO IT!” he screams, ripping off his shirt and swallowing an entire rack of ribs, bones and all. A trainer comes up to James Taylor and tells him he needs stitches. He replies, “But…but I don’t want stitches! I want to keep playing!” If I had a dollar for every time someone told me they didn’t want stitches, I could probably buy a beer. Maybe two if I caught happy hour. The trainer defers to James Taylor’s lack of judgment and instead wraps his entire face in gauze as if she was trying to mummify him for protection. He would have looked like less of a loser if he had dipped out to get the damn stitches.
Eventually, the dudes learn they’ll be playing a scrimmage, and since there’s an odd number, Jordan gets to play all-time quarterback. This is actually the longest time he’s ever spent playing on an NFL field. Suck on that, Aaron. Evan, Robby, JT, Vinny, and Derek comprise the lackluster blue team and are easily outsized by their opponents on the white team – Chase, Daniel, Wells, Grant and James F.
They step out onto the field. Evan is treating this as his personal fashion show, modeling a chic headband with a jaunty single piece of eye black in place. His children must be proud. The majority of the game seems to be dominated by the white team, but Evan miraculously catches a pass in the endzone for the Probably Going to get Blue Balled Tonight Team. He dives and lands on his face, which triggers yet another nose period to leak everywhere. Shove some tampons up there and keep playing, you baby.
Eventually, we learn that somehow the game is tied 28-28 with six seconds remaining. I hate this show. Given that the winners of the game get to spend more time with JoJo and the losers have to go back home to
ChadNemacolin, the stakes are high. The heavily favored white team has the ball; Jordan throws a pitch to one of his teammates and as they turn to run into the endzone, Derek strips the ball and runs it back to lead the Boys in Blue to victory. JoJo is devastated.
As the defeated white team heads back to Nemacolin, Evan, Robby, James Taylor (who has indeed gotten stitches at some point), Vinny, Derek and Jordan (all time quarterbacking means he was going to win regardless) meet JoJo at a cocktail party. JoJo tells them today was one of the best days of her life; either she needs to have more better days or Big Ben knocked her up in the locker room and she’s already thinking of ways to spend her fat stacks of child support.
Robby is the first to pull her aside. He tells her again that his feelings are developing at a fast pace. JoJo cringes a bit, saying “Yeah…we’re making progress even though I keep avoiding you, aren’t we?” Robby is kind of a weenie. He proves me right by telling the camera that “I’m falling in love with JoJo day by day.” I vomit in my mouth a little bit and wish that his “Day by Day” reference was about Wet Hot American Summer instead of his stupid feelings. He picks JoJo up and set her on a pool table to make out with her. I get that he’s trying to be big and strong, but it was not suave. However, JoJo must have enjoyed it, because she tells the camera “I think there’s something about Robby that is going to blow me away.” She’s probably right – when she walks in on him hooking up with her brother, she won’t be the only thing getting blown away.
We don’t see much of her conversation with Derek or James Taylor and we’re fortunately spared seeing even more of Evan. She rehashes her poolside conversation with Jordan, telling him she still feels that he’s holding back. He admits to JoJo that it takes a long time for him to open up, and tells the camera that he realizes if he doesn’t, he may lose the opportunity to
bang end up with her. They take a walk, make out in front of a fountain, and he too tells her that he’s falling for her. Apparently that is enough opening up for JoJo and she gives him the group date rose for making her feel special.
Two-on-One Date with Chad and Alex
Chad and Alex are the only two dudes whose names haven’t been on date cards this week, and their fears are realized when a card arrives with both of their names on it. It reads, “Into the woods your path goes, only one of you will return with a rose.” Are they going to the woods because it will be easier to hide the bodies once this date is over?
Before Chad and Alex depart, the dudes all gather in their cabin to say goodbye or good riddance, depending on who stays and who goes. Luke poses a question to Chad, asking “Chad, if it’s you that goes home, why do you think that will be?” Chad replies, “Stupid question.” Grant mumbles something, and Chad pounces. “Do you have a problem with me? Who in here has a problem with me?” Almost every hand shoots skyward; it’s as if the dudes were possessed by the spirit of Hermione Granger, who also knew the correct answer to Chad’s question. Ten points to Gryffindor!
Chad tells Grant that he’s a coward and Alex that he’s a bitch before storming off. As he leaves, Wells asks, “Can’t we all just get along?” holding a picture he made of all the dudes holding hands and smiling inside a big heart. Chris Harrison pats him on the back, puts his picture on the fridge, and slips out before anyone else notices him there.
As the dudes chuckle about what had just transpired, Chad stomps back in. He catches Jordan in the middle of talking shit, and wags his famous Chad-finger in Jordan’s face. He tells Jordan, “You think this is just a show? One day, you’re going to go home. You think I won’t go out of my way to find you? You think I won’t show up at your house. You should be scared of me!” Chad leaves again, and Alex follows him, since their helicopter has arrived. He’s wearing cargo pants, which is a bold choice for convincing a woman to pick you over another man, even if that man is Chad.
As Chad and Alex are carried off to their mysterious two-on-one date location, JoJo tells the camera she’s excited but nervous about this date. She says that she’s seen a soft side of Chad the other guys haven’t glimpsed; she’s right, he does have a weak spot on his underbelly that isn’t completely covered by scales. It’s about the size of a quarter, and if you hit it just right, he should be temporarily disabled. The helicopter sets down in the middle of bumfuck Pennsylvania (or possibly even worse, West Virginia) and the dudes hop out into a scene that looks too much like the backdrop of Deliverance for my liking.
The trio picks up some backpacks and heads off into the woods. Chad starts chopping at random trees with a machete. Why the fuck does Chad have a machete? This seems like a huge liability issue. Is this about to turn into The Blair Witch Project? I’m very confused. Eventually, they reach a flat rock in the middle of a river, throw down some blankets and sit down. Everyone looks wildly uncomfortable. Chad breaks the silence, asking JoJo is she’s ever been to some place in Oklahoma that I am unfamiliar with, mostly because I’ve never been to Oklahoma. Apparently JoJo and I are on the same page, as she simply replies, “Nope.” This is going well for the DNoz.
JoJo leaves Chad on the blanket on the rock on the river in the woods to go spend some time with Alex. Most of their conversation centers on Chad; JoJo seems bored until she learns about the threats he delivered to Jordan that very moment. She’s horrified, exclaiming, “What? Jordan? NOT MY PRECIOUS JORDAN!” Meanwhile, Chad is talking to the camera. It’s as if he already knows Alex is talking shit, saying, “Alex should mind his own business and not say my name. If he does, I’ll be bringing his teeth home.” What are you going to do with his teeth, Chad? Make a necklace out of teeth so you and Kesha can be twinsies?
JoJo drops Alex off at Camp Blanket Rock and collects Chad. Their conversation goes a little something like this:
JoJo: “The Chad I know is a sweet, sensitive guy. I wasn’t sure what this date would be like, but you’re always nice around me. I feel like there’s a lot about you that people don’t understand. I told you that I wanted the drama to stay behind at the Bachelor Mansion and for you to be cool with the other guys, but a few things Alex said made me more confused. He said that you’ve continued to make threats towards people, including
my boyfriend Jordan, just this morning!”
Chad: “Well, he was pushing me.”
JoJo: “Why are you smiling?” Chad is indeed smiling like a psychopath at this point
Chad: “I haven’t touched anyone!” If that defense worked for Michael Jackson, surely it’ll work for Chad, right?
JoJo: “But you’ve threatened to come to people’s houses and beat their asses!”
Chad: “Yeah, but that would be quiet. They wouldn’t make much noise. When you were in the house last season, didn’t you get fed up and tell the other girls you wanted to beat their asses?”
JoJo: “Uh no. I never had the desire to beat another girl’s ass when I was filming The Bachelor.”
The two leave, and JoJo tells the cameras she’s struggling with this decision. She wonders if Chad’s anger is stemming from recently losing his mom, but can’t get over the fact that when given the chance to explain his actions toward the other dudes, he can’t.
Meanwhile, Chad returns to Alex at Camp Blanket Rock. He lies down and looks over, saying, “Alex, I’m not very happy with you.” Alex seems perplexed. Chad continues. “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. Did you even talk to her or did you just talk about me? I wish I could hurt you without getting into trouble.”
This pushes Alex over the edge. “It’s always about violence with you!” he starts. “I thought we would be best friends when I found out you were a Marine.” Up to this point, I did not know that Chad was also a Marine. That makes his threats even more terrifying, because he probably could kill all of them if he got the urge.
In the middle of this, JoJo returns and sits between them. Their argument is undeterred by her presence, as they continue to sling insults as if she’s not there. Eventually, she butts in, revealing that Alex had said a few things about Chad that upset her. Again, she asks Chad if he had continued making threats towards the other dudes, specifically asking if he had threatened to come find Jordan after filming. He fumbles around with his words, unable to deny the accusations. In the blink of an eye, JoJo shoots Chad down like a gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo and gives the two-on-one date rose to Alex.
The episode concludes as we see JoJo and Alex snuggled up on a couch while a camera follows Chad as he grumbles his way through the woods. Eventually, he approaches a building with lights on and knocks on the door. With bated breath, we wait to see if he’s going to beg JoJo for another chance or wreak havoc on the other dudes back at the cabin. As a black “TO BE CONTINUED…” screen crushes our dreams, we also learn that we have to wait two goddamn weeks to find out what happens next. See you then. .
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Image via John Naffziger