Alright folks, even though this season started out fairly slowly, ABC made it up for it with this episode. What more could you ask for on a Monday night than dudes wrestling in diapers or teaching sex ed? In reality, there are a lot of things I’d rather ask for, but when life gives you lemons like these, you just shut up, drink your wine, and watch The Bachelorette.
Let’s get to it:
For all the time they spent building up Kupah’s inevitable departure last week, it actually went pretty smoothly. Good luck back at your job guarding Bowser’s castle.
From last week’s cocktease, we already knew that Ben Z., Clint, and JJ were safe. The remaining 13 roses went to:
Jared: Restaurant manager with the facial hair of a 17-year-old.
Ben H: Looks like a Fat Nick V. Have not seen much of him thus far
Shawn B: We get it — you look like Ryan Gosling. No need to rub it in, bro.
Tanner: Still have nothing on this guy.
Chris: Has apparently embraced his nickname from the first night, and will now exclusively be referred to as Cupcake.
Ryan B: Again, no idea.
Justin: Julius Caesar’s dad.
Ian: Ran track at Princeton until he was hit by a car and still feels that the best use of that story/education is being on The Bachelorette.
Joshua: Welder from Idaho. I’ll leave it at that.
Joe: Kentucky. Moonshine. Tall hair.
Somehow, Tony the Healer gets the last rose, meaning that we say goodbye to Daniel the fashion designer and Cory, the 35-year-old dinosaur.
Sumo Wrestling Group Date
This date starts off with two sumo wrestlers sneaking into the Bachelor mansion to wake the dudes up with a gong. I use the term “sneaking” lightly because these motherfuckers weigh roughly as much as a small car. It turns out that one of them is not only a four-time world champion sumo wrestler but also tips the scale at 600 pounds. This qualifies him as the heaviest Japanese person in history, but in America, we’d just call him another average Walmart shopper.
Kaitlyn picks Tony the Healer, JJ, Shawn B., Clint, Cupcake, and Joe for this date. I’m a big fan of watching these dudes beat the shit out of each other again, and this week we’re upping the ante and watching them do it in man-thongs. Apparently, ABC can’t afford Jillian’s black box this season, so we have to settle for pixelated man-ass instead. Clint tosses his golden locks up in a man-bun, so you know he means business. He wastes no time putting his college wrestling experience to use by lifting all the other dudes up and slamming them to the ground.
While I would much rather continue watching these dudes try to demolish one another, Tony steps into the ring with one of the professional wrestlers. He actually does a pretty decent job standing his ground; his strategy of repeatedly slapping the wrestler’s man-tits keeps him from getting tossed out of the ring like a rag doll. He ended up falling on his face, but he put up a respectable fight considering his opponent has likely been mistaken for Godzilla. He still gets his new panties in a twist and storms off; Kaitlyn notices and goes to talk to him.
Tony launches into an ironic tirade about how he is “typically a pretty peaceful and balanced guy” and “can’t believe he left his bonsai trees for this.” I took this opportunity to refill my wine glass, and when I got back, he was somehow still talking about how he was tired of “having to show aggression during every competition” and that he “couldn’t find happiness by reverting to his primal instincts.” Newsflash, Tony: you signed up for a television show about 25 men competing over one single woman. That is the definition of a dick-measuring contest. (In other news, Hollister called, and they want their cargo shorts-and-belt combo from 2003 back.)
At this point, I would rather be locked in a small room with Jean-Ralphio Saperstein reading Kanye West quotes into a megaphone for all of eternity than listen to any more of this guy’s bullshit. The scene ends with a shot of Tony sitting on the balcony of the house and honestly, I feel a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, he’ll jump off. Unfortunately, he does not, but he does decide to leave the show. Kaitlyn took a page out of Britt’s acting textbook and did a half-assed job of pretending to be sad about his departure. In actuality, I’m sure she’s glad she has an extra rose to give to someone who isn’t a total maniac.
On the rest of the date, Clint decided to play hard to get, letting everyone know that Kaitlyn will approach him if she’s really interested. He kicks this up a notch by totally ignoring her when she sits next to him. Shawn B. capitalizes on this and gets the group date rose by simply acknowledging her presence.
One-on-One with Ben Z.
Kaitlyn and Ben Z. both get date cards from Chris Harrison, who lets them know to be “prepared for anything,” which in the context of this date meant driving to a warehouse surrounded by strange garbage and walking into a room filled with frogs in jars and a stuffed wolf. Maybe this is why all of my recent dates have gone to hell in a handbasket — I didn’t include enough dead animals in the ambiance. It turns out this date is one of those gimmicks where you get locked in a room and have 45 minutes to find clues telling you how to escape back to safety. Once the two of them are trapped inside the room, we see what appears to be a bed from a mental institution, blood dripping from the ceiling, scorpions in drawers and birds flying around – for a moment I’m concerned that Chris Harrison has either cast them in the next Saw movie or sent them on a date to Tony’s apartment. Ben Z. sacks up and finds all of the clues, and they escape with only seconds to spare. Kaitlyn spends most of the time crying. It’s super romantic.
The rest of the date consists of drinking wine and talk about being emotional. For example, Ben Z. tells Kaitlyn it’s been 11 years since the last time he cried. She tells him that she hopes being on The Bachelorette will help him become more emotional, which is a totally realistic request. I’m sure the death of his mother and a reality television show are events of comparable magnitude. Regardless, the two of them climb in the hot tub, where she gives him the date rose. And probably a hand job.
Sex Ed Date
This segment is golden. Kaitlyn decides to prank Jonathan, Ben H., Joshua, Ryan, Tanner and Jared by loading them up on a short bus and taking them to a grade school to teach sex ed. To be honest, I feel like this talk is more beneficial in preventing the rampant spread of STDs through the Bachelor Mansion than impacting the lives of these students. However, this is acceptable; little do the dudes know that these aren’t average schoolchildren, but child actors armed with questions like:
What are the four bases?
How many positions are there for having sex?
What is a wet dream?
Tanner is somehow successful in pointing out the vagina and anus on a model, and Ryan lets the next generation know that it’s important to be able to locate the clitoris “if you want girls to like you and want to have sex with you again.” Joshua admits most of his sex ed came from watching his cows back on the farm in Idaho and chooses to describe a tampon as a “little torpedo thing” to a group of prepubescent girls. However, Ben H. is incredibly smooth, successfully hitting on Kaitlyn while he tells these kids where babies come from. While the other guys were visibly uncomfortable, Ben H. didn’t miss a beat and earned himself the group date rose. This dude has game — I’ll give him that. I’m starting to wonder if he’s the guy who gets the early ticket on the Poundtown Express this season.
Clint and JJ’s Bromance
This whole situation is hysterical. Kaitlyn was obviously into Clint — out of all the guys in the house, he snagged the first one-on-one date. After the date, Clint realized he just wasn’t that into Kaitlyn, but he was having fun hanging out with the dudes in the house, especially JJ. At this point, he has nothing to lose; he’s already put his life on hold, so he may as well enjoy free booze and awesome dates for as long as possible. While all the other guys in the house are dissecting every interaction and moment they have with Kaitlyn like middle school girls, Clint and JJ are having the time of their lives on ABC’s dime. Not only are they guaranteed a free vacation until Kaitlyn catches on to their charade, they’re making sure to give America plenty of entertainment in the form of a contrived, slightly homoerotic bromance. These dudes know exactly what they’re doing.
Unfortunately for us, the rest of the house seems to have caught on to their antics as well and are seemingly less entertained. They’re foaming at the mouth for sweet vengeance because if Clint and JJ are having fun doing anything besides pursuing Kaitlyn, they aren’t here for the “right reasons.”
I guess we’ll have to wait to find out how Kaitlyn deals with these loverboys and to see which 13 guys she keeps around for another week of making out and heavy petting. It looks like next week is also the episode when Nick V. returns, so if you thought the men were getting butthurt last night, I have a feeling the best is yet to come. See you then..
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