I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of a worse way to end this holiday weekend than the episode of The Bachelorette we saw last night. Even the two bottles of wine I had before the episode started were not sufficient preparation for this week’s shitstorm.
Boxing Group Date
Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey, Tanner, Kupah, Ben H., and Ben Z. get the first group date. If you’re confused about which assholes these are, don’t worry – I can barely keep track and I take notes during the show. With this many dudes still in the mix, it doesn’t even matter.
The date card reads “I see this ending with a ring.” Surprise – she’s talking about boxing, not marriage. Taking a bunch of dudes who are competing over one woman on a reality television show on a date where the premise is beating the shit out of each other is a fantastic idea. Nothing bad will happen, I’m sure.
Kaitlyn explains that she picked this date because she “wants a guy who can fight for me.” She’s also enlisted the help of this season’s first guest star, Laila Ali, to help train them to fight like men; no open handed slapping and hair pulling tonight, folks. As soon as Kupah sees Laila’s hulking frame and hears her soothing baritone voice, he gets some major panty puddles. Meanwhile, everyone else immediately begins praying to any god that will listen to be spared from the certain death that would come from having to take a punch from the daughter of Muhammad Ali.
Laila makes the douches circle up and walks them through some basic techniques like she’s teaching a fucking Zumba class. Once their training session is done, they learn they have to compete against each other in a one-on-one, single elimination tournament. The dudes are not having it, and by the clips of their training we see, we’re not working with a ton of talent. Tanner sums up the mood of the group best when he says, “I’m dreading this. If I get my face messed up, Kaitlyn may send me home.” Apparently we’re not using the Anchorman fighting rules tonight.
The fighting itself is pretty uneventful; I’ve seen better punches thrown at bars. They should have held off on this date until there were fewer guys left and they actually hated each other. The only real action occurred when Ben Z. popped Jared in the face and dropped him. Given that there was no blood and he walked back to see the doctor under his own power, I’m not too concerned. Nonetheless, he earned himself a trip to the hospital. Everyone else cleaned up and proceeded to the second part of the date, where the guys awkwardly made small talk while Kaitlyn made out with each of them sequentially. At this point, it seems like if you haven’t played tonsil hockey with her, you may as well start packing your bags.
After beating the other 7 dudes on the date to a pulp, Ben Z. wants to make sure Kaitlyn knows he has a sensitive side, so he tells her about losing his mom to cancer when he was 14. Granted, that is an awful thing to happen to anyone, but you have to be more strategic when you’re dropping bombs like that, Ben Z. Justin tells her about his 4-year-old son named Aurelius, and my only question about that situation is whether or not Justin can actually spell Aurelius. Jared shows up halfway through the date on his way home from the hospital to let her know that he just had to see her, and that “every punch and every black eye was worth it.” Oddly enough, he does not have a black eye. They talk and suck face some more, but I was too distracted by the fact that they were standing on top of Bryan Cranston’s star on the Walk of Fame to care about what they were actually saying. Instead, I was hoping that the visage of Walter White would appear and somehow put us out of our misery. Kaitlyn ended the date by giving Ben Z. the rose, which surprised approximately no one.
One-On-One Date With Clint
Clint looks like what would happen if The Beast ditched Belle and ran off with Gaston instead. He got points in my book for drawing the picture of Chris Harrison holding a rose and riding a triceratops (seriously, does anyone know if I can get a print of that? My birthday is coming up) but lost them when he was one of the guys who got butthurt about Kaitlyn making out with dudes on the first night, so I’m currently ambivalent about him. Their date starts with Kaitlyn driving them in an antique Benz – Clint doesn’t seem super into their conversation, which seems to have more to do with him looking out the window and scanning for impending collisions than actual disinterest in her.
They learn that this date will actually be an underwater photo shoot, which according to the “conceptual underwater photographer” they’ve hired is all the rage for engagement photos these days. Given the sheer number of engagement photos that barrage my timeline on a weekly basis, I feel like I could be an expert on the matter, and this is not a thing. Regardless, they get all dolled up and jump into the pool. The photos we see make it look like Clint drowned Kaitlyn at some point during the date and is now holding her like his underwater ventriloquist dummy. I’m uncomfortable. He loses his shirt and they make out underwater. Kaitlyn tells the camera “I’ve never had a first kiss underwater!” If she’s commenting on that, I’m guessing she is already running out of firsts this season.
They go to from the pool to a rooftop dinner. Kaitlyn remarks about how she’s enjoyed seeing all the different types of Clint, like “underwater Clint, above water Clint, and now rooftop Clint.” You can’t make this shit up. My bet is if he plays his cards right, she could meet “on top of me Clint” pretty soon. He gets a rose. I yawn.
Stand-Up Comedy Group Date
At this point, there’s still an hour left in the episode, and I have no idea what is going to fill it. JJ, Jonathan, Joshua, Chris (who has apparently embraced his entrance on the first night by accepting the nickname Cupcake), Ian, Joe, and Tony get the second group date. JJ tells the camera “watching Tony get through an entire date is nightmare fuel,” and for once, I actually agree with him.
They show up to a comedy club and are greeted by Amy Schumer, which to be honest is the only redeeming aspect of the episode. Just like Jimmy Kimmel’s appearance last season, she brought a healthy dose of satire to a show that takes itself too seriously. Along with a few other comics, Amy coaches the dudes as they come up with a stand-up routine to be performed in front of Kaitlyn and a harem of other local middle aged women. JJ runs part of his routine by Amy – saying that his typical pick up line is “Hey, my name is JJ, I’m 32, divorced, have a daughter, and live with my parents.” Amy immediately starts guzzling her wine, and for a comedian who makes her living joking about having HPV, that reaction is not a good sign. The rest of the guys get up on stage to perform and it is utterly painful. Crickets all around.
The second part of the date is not much better. Tony the healer spends an unnecessary amount of time telling Kaitlyn that the key to her heart is not actually a key, but more like a combination lock that he needs to twist back and forth to open. I sincerely hope that the transcript of this conversation never has to be submitted as evidence in a murder investigation centered on this dude, but I am not holding my breath. Kaitlyn spends all her time with Joe from Kentucky making out, but he manages to tell her would still pursue her “even if she wasn’t The Bachelorette” as he comes up for air. Joshua says he’s never been in love before, which I think has more to do with the paucity of women in Idaho; however, confessions like that don’t bode well on this show. As soon as he realizes he’s in love with Kaitlyn he’s going to get the boot, and we’re going to have to watch him sob about dying alone during his limo ride to the airport. JJ talks to Kaitlyn about having a 3-year-old daughter. She is weirdly into it and gives him the group date rose.
There were three dudes who didn’t go on a date this week: Shawn B., Cory, and Ryan B. The rest of the guys in the house decided to respect bro code during the cocktail party and let them get the first chance at talking to Kaitlyn. However, JJ had other plans. He barely let Kaitlyn finish addressing all of them before he pulled her aside for some time alone. He already has a rose; at this point he is just trying to be a cockblock. I could share my feelings on this twat rocket, but his quotes from the evening do more justice than I ever could:
“I had to remind her what husband material is.”
“I know I’m the most hated man in the house, but I’m not sorry.”
“Right now, what do I feel? Smugness wrapped inside of cockiness, wrapped inside of cockiness.”
“This isn’t church camp. I’m not here to make guy friends.”
Usually the producers have to use some editing wizardry to produce a season’s villain, but JJ is doing a damn good job of wrapping himself up in a bow for them, but instead of having a red pitchfork and a tail, he only has a wicked case of wine mouth.
When JJ comes back to the rest of the guys, dripping arrogance from every orifice, Kupah looks like he is simultaneously shitting his pants and having a stroke. He feels that this is the best time to confront Kaitlyn about his experience on the show thus far, and his concerns that he is a “minority guy that fills a quota.” Granted, given the show’s history, that is a valid concern, but when he brings this up to Kaitlyn, she is not pleased. She tells him she felt a connection with him on the first night, but called him out on making no effort to talk to her during the group date – although she noticed he plenty of time to talk to Laila Ali. Shots fired! Kupah starts backpedaling faster than the gang in Toy Story 3 when they realized they were headed for the incinerator. Kupah continues to display his intimate knowledge of wooing women by telling Kaitlyn when he found out there were two Bachelorettes, he felt no connection with her. Kaitlyn responded with her perfected silent resting bitch face. They ended their conversation with a fist pound, which may as well have been a punch to Kupah’s dick.
He goes back to the rest of the guys and begins recounting his version of their conversation, which Kaitlyn hears. This guy is a prime example of what not do on The Bachelorette. She takes him outside and tells him he has to go home. He responds, “I don’t want to go home.” Is this guy serious? My only explanation is that he is someone who doesn’t drink much and once he smells alcohol turns into a raging idiot. Once Kaitlyn goes back inside, we hear Kupah losing his shit at the producers, screaming about being sent home. In a dramatic (read: stupid) “To Be Continued” sequence, we see Kaitlyn heading out to confront the raving lunatic again.
In a classic ABC move, we don’t get a rose ceremony this week, so they have us hooked for another week to find out if Kupah gets to add assault and battery to his resume and who else is sticking around for another week. See you then. .
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