Alright folks, I’ll admit I was pleasantly surprised by last night’s Bachelorette. Usually these seasons start out slowly (read: boring), but this episode was the perfect cherry on top of a booze- and freedom-soaked weekend. The show opens up with JoJo rehashing all the feelings she had on the first night of the season; while she was initially nervous that she wouldn’t find love, after seeing all of the fresh meat ABC provided for her, she’s confident that she’s ready to get under another dude get over Ben. This week we have a single one-on-one date, two group dates, and too many dudes to keep track of. Let’s break it down:
Firefighting Group Date
The first group date card reads, “Let’s heat things up” and is addressed to Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells and Robby. After the names were read off the date card, the dudes hear a loud booming noise coming from outside the mansion. They sprint outside to see the source of the sound; I’m sure their mad, coordinated dash wasn’t totally staged by the producers and definitely didn’t take four takes to perfect. When they arrive in the driveway, a burning limousine greets them. No one seems concerned that JoJo may be inside.
Amidst the commotion, a fire truck rolls up to the mansion and once it stops, JoJo saunters out wearing firefighter pants, a white tank top, and red suspenders. She picks up a fire hose and extinguishes the flames erupting from the limo. It’s strangely erotic to watch her hose down that car; I had no idea that I had a thing for hot firefighters until this very moment. If all firefighters looked like her, I would currently be torching my own house instead of writing this shit.
JoJo informs the dudes that their date will consist of a firefighting training course. They all hop in the fire truck and head off to some training center, where they are greeted by Chief Tracy, who is in fact a man. Chief Tracy instructs them to suit up in firefighting gear and prepare for the shittiest date imaginable – as if having to wear, like, 80 pounds of gear isn’t bad enough, the dudes learn they will be competing against each other for more time with JoJo. Grant grins, since this is in fact his job. Wells whispers “Oh fuck.”
Their first task is to carry a fire hose while sprinting through an obstacle course. Daniel the Canadian tells the camera, “The last time I pulled hose like that I was alone back at my apartment.” I think Daniel left out the part where he used his tears for lube. After learning how to carry the fire hose, Chief Tracy shows the dudes how to turn it on and aim it towards a fire. Is this the accelerated course? I hope they’re taking notes because this is some complicated shit. They also get to play with axes and learn how to chop locks off of doors and cut holes in floors, which will be handy information to have when they’re stalking JoJo, since statistically she will likely dump all of them. ABC really thought this through.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, it has become immediately apparent that any shred of sanity these dudes possessed has already evaporated. The first evidence of this is shown by none other than Chad. Deprived of his precious gym, he decides to improvise his daily workout in the most douchetastic way possible: by filling his luggage with heavy shit and strapping it to himself while he does pull-ups on the trellis out by the pool. The rest of the dudes are inside getting day-drunk like normal people when they notice Chad and are floored. Even Jordan, the former professional athlete is like “Yeah that’s excessive.” Although, maybe that’s why he’s a former professional athlete….
Our adventure out of reality continues as we see James Taylor leading campfire sing-alongs out by the pool. The rest of the dudes (Minus Captain Douchenozzle) are holding hands as they rehearse an original song they wrote for JoJo. Is this the warm up for or the cool down from their circle jerk?
Back at the fire station, it is becoming apparent that the day’s activities are taking a toll on the dudes, most notably Wells. Chief Tracy sees that he is aboard the struggle bus and tells him to take off his gear and have a water break. JoJo goes to sit with Wells, and he tells her “This is all just a ploy to get you to talk to me. I mean I feel like I’m about to faint, but I always feel that way around you.” It’s actually pretty smooth – I’m impressed he could come up with a nice dose of self-deprecating humor when he looks to be on the verge of death.
Chief Tracy announces that the three most adept firefighters-in-training will get the opportunity to compete in a final obstacle course to win more time with JoJo. Grant and Luke are the first two selected, mostly because Grant is an actual firefighter and Luke just went beast mode during all of the tasks leading up to this. The third dude that gets to compete is Wells since he displayed perseverance and didn’t give up. I also think Chief Tracy enjoys watching him flounder in these physical tasks. Chief Tracy and I have that in common.
The three remaining dudes take off, and Luke is hot out of the gate, carrying hose, putting out a fire, and chopping through the floor faster than Grant. Eventually, Grant catches up and the two spend the rest of the race neck-and-neck. Wells is off camera changing his tampon. Eventually, Grant reaches JoJo first, in an impressive display of masculinity and prowess that proves that he is better at his own job than people who do not do his job. Gold star, Grant.
As his reward, Grant gets some extra time with JoJo at that evening’s cocktail party. He tells her that if they end up together, he will make sure to wake her up every morning before he leaves for work to tell her he loves her and to give her a kiss in case he dies on the job. I haven’t been on a date for a while, but if this is the shit that people have to talk about on first dates these days, I’ll just throw in the towel now and die alone. If I were JoJo and making a pros-and-cons list about who to choose and someone told me they would be waking me up every goddamn morning, that little tidbit would definitely be placed in a position of honor atop the cons list. She apparently likes it and they make out.
After playing tonsil hockey with Grant, JoJo grabs Wells and reiterates how impressed she was with his perseverance. I’m actually really warming up to Wells – he’s very articulate and a lot different than most of the bros on the season. I don’t think he’ll win because I have a feeling JoJo likes them big and dumb, but he stands out enough that he’ll probably stick around for a while. He also has a bloodhound named Carl, which is pretty cool.
She also spends time with Luke, telling him how even though he got second place in the firefighting competition he impressed her as well. He talks about going to West Point and then serving as an army officer for five years, and through those experiences he knows who he is and is ready to be vulnerable and share that with someone else. As he whispers those sweet nothings in his slow Texas drawl, JoJo’s ovaries begin to glow and she pounces on top of him.
Eventually, JoJo returns to award this group date rose. Surprisingly, it goes to Wells for being a good sport and not giving up, even though he was clearly well outside of his element. Grant and Luke are like “This is bullshit.”
One-on-One Date with Derek
This week’s only one-on-one date is for Derek. He receives a note that says, “Love is full of choices.” Love is indeed full of choices, including the choice to find it on reality television. JoJo picks Derek up in a baby blue Thunderbird convertible and they set off. One of my favorite parts of The Bachelorette is that the woman always drives during the dates, and you can tell every dude is super uncomfortable with it. Derek slides over towards JoJo and puts his arm around her – I can’t tell if he’s trying to be romantic or if he wants to brace for impact. Regardless, it looks awko taco.
JoJo tells him that the producers stole the idea for this date from the Choose Your Own Adventure children’s books. They pull up to an intersection, and in front of their car there is a sign pointing to the right reading “Sea” and one pointing to the left that reads “Sky.” On the count of three JoJo and Derek say their choice aloud, which is “Sky.” Wrong choice Derek – if there is an opportunity to get JoJo’s knockers in a bikini, you take it. Do it for us at home.
Arriving at an airport, there are two planes waiting on the runway. At the bottom, one pilot holds a sign saying “North” and the other has a sign reading “South.” Again, Derek makes the wrong choice and picks north. It’s like he doesn’t even want to look at her boobs. South Pilot agrees with me and throws some serious shade at Derek and JoJo before packing up his sign and pouting his way back to the plane.
Aboard the north jet, JoJo awkwardly strokes Derek’s hands. They pass the time by chatting and playing games of double thumb wars. It’s odd. As the plane lands, they learn their surprise destination is San Francisco, and their final choice is between the Golden Gate Bridge and Lombard Street. They go with the Golden Gate Bridge, where they have a picnic and make out with Alcatraz prominently in the background. So romantic.
ABC mercifully fast-forwards us to the dinner portion of the date. We see Derek walking JoJo in, and hear him tell her “I like your shoes. They’re real sparkly.” Do you like her sleeves too? Are they real big? Get it together Napoleon. JoJo thanks Derek for a great date, and says that she was glad that they could roll with the punches together. Who was throwing punches at you JoJo, the South Pilot? I don’t think that having to decide between flying north or south in a private jet was a real Sophie’s choice.
JoJo asks Derek about his last relationship. He tells her it ended about three years ago, and he hasn’t really talked to anyone about it. Do you not have friends, man? He seems hesitant to open up, so JoJo talks to him about her experience falling in love with Ben, only to realize she was just a character in Ben’s love story with Lauren. Derek says he appreciates her honesty and willingness to tell him that. It really was a big step for her — it’s not like the rest of us weren’t at home watching it unfold for ourselves like two months ago. Regardless, it’s enough to convince Derek to tell JoJo that in his last relationship, he was ready to get married when he found out that his love was involved with another man. I wonder if she was as bored with him as I am right now.
JoJo tells him she appreciates his openness and gives him the date rose. They make out in front of a fountain. I yawn and refill my wine, debating whether or not I should switch to whiskey.
ESPN Group Date
This week’s final date is for Jordan, Christian, Saint Nick, James Taylor, Alex, and Chad. This means that James S., Chase, and Brandon don’t get dates this week. Chad tells them “You’ve gone your whole life without seeing JoJo, you can wait another day.” At this point, this season should be called Chad’s An Asshole instead of The Bachelorette because lesbihonest, that’s really what it’s about.
Prior to the group departing, we get to see some bro talk between Chad and Daniel the Canadian. Chad tells Daniel “If you’re making a protein shake out of the group of dudes here, and you blended it up, half of that dude protein shake would have no chance.” There are so many things that happened in that one sentence, I have to make a list to analyze it.
1. You don’t make protein shakes out of people. That’s called cannibalism and it is frowned upon in most civilized cultures.
2. Please never use the phrase “dude protein” again. I’m actually more weirded out by that than the word “moist.”
3. Why the fuck do you need a metaphor to say you think half of the dudes have no chance? Just say half of the dudes have no chance. Leave the protein out of this. Saying the word “protein” doesn’t feed your muscles – and while we’re at it, saying “financial stability” doesn’t prove shit to us.
Daniel is trying to buddy-up to Chad aboard the Villain Train. Stop trying to make Clint and JJ happen. It already happened and it was beautiful, so don’t ruin a good thing.
The group date card reads, “Prove your love to me and the nation.” The dudes seem confused until they arrive at ESPN’s studios and are taken to the set of SportsNation, where JoJo is filming an episode of the show with Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley. Jordan whispers, “They don’t like quarterbacks. I’m fucked. I hope they don’t tell my brother about this.” The hosts tell the dudes that instead of SportsNation they will be acting as surrogate big brothers to JoJo and filming an episode of BachelorNation and power ranking the dudes. That is a show I would watch religiously.
The dudes are put through a series of silly tasks – they have to do a touchdown dance for JoJo while holding a giant rose and play dizzy bat and run over to JoJo with a fake engagement ring and tell her all the things they love about her. Everyone is a good sport about it except for Chad; during his proposal he just says, “Will you marry me?” JoJo says “You need to tell me something you love about me!” Chad responds “You need me to tell you all the things I love about you? You’re starting to sound a little naggy.” Everything comes to a screeching halt. The only sound is the soft murmur of everyone in the room shitting their collective pants.
The final task of the date is a faux press conference where the hosts ask the dudes questions – including “Which one of you should JoJo not pick?” Without hesitating, each of them throws Chad under the bus. When it’s Chad’s turn in the hot seat, he throws the rest of the dudes right back under said bus – he tells JoJo that the reason he said what he did was that he met her a few days ago so he doesn’t know what he loves about her just yet. He’s looking forward to getting to know her better, but he isn’t going to be like the other dudes and kiss her ass if what he’s saying isn’t true. As much as I hate to admit it, he isn’t wrong. JoJo seems to appreciate his honesty, albeit a bit abrasive. He’s still a piece of shit.
After some deliberation, Max and Marcellus return with their power rankings. They give third place to Alex the Marine. Chad inexplicably snags the silver, and the top spot goes to James Taylor, who I had actually forgotten was even on this date. If he’s here, who’s leading Kumbaya back at the mansion? If it’s Chris Harrison, they better air that shit stat.
The rest of the date is spent at The Houdini Estate. I don’t know the significance of this location, but I saw the plaque and wanted to share it with you, dear readers. James Taylor gets the first conversation with JoJo. He tells her that he knows he isn’t Abs McGee like a lot of the dudes on the season, but that he has a good heart and he’s grateful to have the opportunity to be on the show. He reads her a song he wrote for her — I want to hate him for it, but it’s actually pretty decent. JoJo starts crying and they make out.
She spends some more time with Chad, and he reveals to her that his mother died six months prior to the show. JoJo seems much more upset about it than Chad, possibly because he’s actually Satan. They throw some change in a wishing well and make out. Chad uses a whole lot of tongue. Like whoa.
Nothing else memorable happens during the cocktail party, and by that I mean I didn’t write down any other notes about it. James Taylor gets the group date rose and secures another week for himself and his feelings. Chad tells the camera “I don’t know what I did wrong to not get this rose.” I have a few theories.
Before the rose ceremony on this episode of Chad’s An Asshole, we have a cocktail party to endure. Before JoJo even makes it into the Mansion, Chad is waiting outside for her with a glass of wine. He takes her for a walk and they mak out. As if Captain Douchenozzle didn’t already have a target on his back, he walks into the cocktail party with JoJo, igniting the rage of at least eighteen dudes. Daniel the Canadian has too many buttons on his shirt undone to be bothered by anything.
Instead of trying to get time with JoJo, Alex rounds up a posse to confront Chad, who has spent the majority of the cocktail party shoving various meats down his throat. If that’s what he’s into, maybe Chad should be the Bachelorette. The dudes ask him about his time with JoJo, insinuating it was an asshole move to steal time with her early on. Chad tells them he doesn’t care about them and that they’re a bunch of pussies. They retreat. Chad swallows more meats.
Sensing his ability to get the dudes’ panties in a twist, Chad continues to do Chad things. He never strays too far from the meat table, and Luke tells the camera “He would take an IV of meat if he could.” As a doctor, I cannot recommend IV meat. Between his precious protein shakes, blended up Bachelorette contestants, and several pounds of cold cuts, his colon must be a disaster. He cuts off Evan the Boner Guru off mid-conversation, which prompts Alex the Marine to confront him once again. He tells Chad he’s doing all kinds of snaking like he’s a damn Slytherin. Chad tells him to fuck off and that if he doesn’t stop, he’s going to lose his teeth. With that rage, he must have been able to sneak his roids into the mansion inside his asshole or something. He continues to push Alex, telling him he should be afraid of him. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing a “luxury real estate agent” with an anger problem can throw at a Marine that he can’t handle or hasn’t seen before. Alex laughs it off, telling Chad he’s the most disrespectful dude in the house and he’s just a meltdown. Chad responds, “Yeah…well you’re short.” He didn’t actually say that to Alex, just to the camera about Alex. Sick burn, bro.
Wells, Derek, and James Taylor already have roses. The remaining 14 (for fuck’s sake) go to:
1. Alex – Marine who is not scared of Chad
2. Christian – Mother Teresa big brother
3. Robby – Dude with the same haircut as the rest of the dudes
4. Luke – Veteran from Texas, second best firefighter
5. Chase – Looks like Jordan, is not Jordan
6. Jordan – Looks like Aaron Rodgers, is not Aaron Rodgers
7. Grant – Most prestigious firefighter
8. Ali – Eyebrows more lush than most rainforests
9. Daniel – Canadian, trying (and failing) to be chillin like a villain
10. James F. – Does the F in his last name stand for “Falling asleep?” He seems like a nice dude but he’s a snoozefest.
11. Saint Nick
12. Vinny – Who? Why?
13. Evan – One step closer to using that erection
14. Chad – Not here to make friends, doesn’t like Bachelorettes who nag
This means we’re saying goodbye to Will, Brandon the hipster, and James S. the Bachelor Superfan. I hope James S. didn’t have himself going too far in his own bracket this year, because if so, his dating life and betting life both got fucked in one fell swoop. Tough break, Superfan.
It looks like next week has even more dude aggression and possibly some bloodshed. It’s also a two-night special, so cancel all your plans, because we’ve got a lot to cover. See you then..
Enjoy our weekly Bachelorette breakdowns? Good, because they’re the best. This season, we’ll also be discussing The Bachelorette on our podcast, Touching Base, the morning after every episode. Subscribe on iTunes to get the fastest access to new episodes, or listen on Soundcloud if iTunes isn’t your thing.
Listen to us break down Week 2, and whether or not it will be the Season of Chad.
Image via John Naffziger