Alright folks. I’ve frequently used the phrase “dumpster fire” to describe the Bachelor franchise – but even that can’t describe what ABC put us through for three goddamn hours this week. Let’s be honest – dumpster fires can be kind of useful. They can provide heat and light, they let you know you’re probably in a shitty part of town, and most importantly, are entertaining to watch. This week’s episode of The Bachelor had none of those benefits, and it was certainly not entertaining to watch. It’s like the producers took a perfectly good dumpster fire and extinguished it with their own piss, leaving us with a hot, steaming pile of garbage that now smells like urine. That’s where we’re at with this season. Let’s break it down:
Conjugal Visit Fantasy Suite Date with Raven II: The Big Finish
Did you guys know that Raven has never had an orgasm? Of course, you did. Everyone in America knows that Raven has never had an orgasm. More people could recite the bloody details of Raven’s sexual history than could name the Secretary of State, mostly because Raven herself narrated it over and over like the opening dialogue of a shitty porno last week. However, unlike a shitty porno, we couldn’t fast-forward through it to get to the good stuff and instead had to wait a week for this moment.
This week’s episode starts with Raven and Nick canoodling in bed. Did they bang? Did Nick finally punch Raven’s one-way ticket to Pleasure Town? We’re left in suspense as the two talk about how special and fun their night together was as Raven is preparing for her snowy walk of shame. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the camera cuts to an interview with Raven. Offscreen a producer screaming, “JUST FUCKING TELL US ALREADY.” Actually, that may have just been me.
Raven smiles sheepishly towards the camera. “I’ll just say this,” she drawls. “Nick is very good at what he does.” After that, she turned her walk of shame into a stride of pride as “I Just Had Sex” blares in the background and Raven dances on bridges, makes snow angels, and poses with heart-shaped cutouts in fence posts to celebrate finally becoming a woman. The segment ends with Raven spinning in a circle, screaming, “Who has the platinum vagine now, Corinne?” to the heavens. Most people just rip a cig, but to each their own.
Bachelorette Preview Fantasy Suite Date with Rachel
Rachel drew the middle length straw for her Fantasy Suite date, and her reward for that lucky pick was getting Nick as Raven’s sloppy seconds. “I’m not too worried,” Rachel tells the camera. “I’m pretty sure that you actually have to get in the swamp yourself to catch whatever Raven brewed downstairs.”
Nick and Rachel’s foreplay consisted of cross-country skiing and feeding some reindeer. They’re so Finland right now. “This is exciting! I’ve never fed a reindeer before!” Rachel tells Nick. I’ve fed a reindeer before, Rachel. It was Christmas 2006 at Copper Mountain and that damn reindeer smelled like an entire fucking circus worth of shit rolled in to one animal, so don’t have to pretend to be so excited about this lame ass date. After Donner eats some seeds out of Rachel’s hand, she tells the camera “There is something beautiful and romantic about trying new adventures together.” We get it, Rachel. You’re the Bachelorette. Save this shit for your season.
Once Nick and Rachel get tired of freezing their asses off in the snow, they cozy up with some warm drinks and warm fuzzy blankets to talk about their warm fuzzy feelings. Rachel tells Nick that she’s scared of how strong her feelings are, especially since she didn’t anticipate developing any feelings at all. “It’s weird,” she says. “Come on a show about finding love, and you find love. Who would have thunk it?”
The next few minutes are devoted to Nick trying to pry the L word out of Rachel. He uses every euphemism for the words “vulnerable” and “love” he has learned in his four seasons of Bachelor experience until finally he asks “If you checked your ego at the door, what would you say to me right now?” Rachel sighs. “Then I’d say I’m falling in love with you. Are you happy now?” Nick doesn’t answer; instead, he just mashes his face into Rachel’s and kisses her, showing me much more tongue than I cared to see.
As Nick offers Rachel the Fantasy Suite card, she tells the camera “I’m excited for this time with Nick tonight. I think we’re going to go deeper than we’ve ever gone before!” Oh look, a wild penetration joke appeared! I get it, you want us to think that you mean deep emotionally, but we all know you mean deep vaginally. Classic Fantasy Suite innuendo, since you know, this is a family show and all. That’s why they make sure to shut the door before they start going at it.
The morning after their fornication, Nick and Rachel eat cereal in their pajamas, which is a nice, normal thing to do after you spent the night touching each other. Rachel is rocking a penguin onesie, and while I respect the hell out of that, it brings up a lot of questions. Has she had this onesie the entire season? Why haven’t we seen it before? Did they bang in onesies? We need answers, Chris Harrison, and we need them now. They kiss goodbye, and Rachel goes on her way. Nick chugs a Pedialyte and prepares to lay more pipe.
Fantasy Suite Date with Vanessa
When Vanessa learned that she would be getting the final Fantasy Suite date, she signed. “I mean, banging Nick immediately after Raven and Rachel isn’t ideal, but it could be worse,” she tells the camera. “I could be following Corinne. In which case I probably would have tried to start some antibiotics a few days before my date.”
I’ll be honest, I’m so fucking bored of Vanessa that I couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a witty title for her date. Vanessa is a huge wet blanket, so it’s oddly appropriate that her date with Nick centered on an ice bath, because like cold temperatures, she makes my nuts want to retract inside of my body. The vast majority of this date was spent watching her sprint between a heated shack and a pool full of ice with Nick while they both wore tight blue spandex. While Vanessa whines about have to get in cold water, Nick gives a prayer of gratitude to the old gods and the new for the chance to ice down his junk after the last two Fantasy Suite Dates. Shit’s starting to get raw down there.
After dipping into the ice bath, Nick and Vanessa spend some time in a hot tub. Balance is key in any relationship. Nick asks Vanessa if she thinks they’re too similar, and she asks in what way he thinks they’re alike. “Oh, I don’t know,” Nick starts. “We’re both really stubborn and like being right all the time.” This goes over just about as well as when I discovered that Wendy’s had taken Spicy Chicken Nuggets off its menu, which was more similar to a four-year-old’s meltdown in a Toys R Us than I’d like to admit. Great move, Pubes. I have no idea why you haven’t found love yet.
After the wet start to their date, Nick and Vanessa sit down and continue to talk about their stupid feelings. They talk about how compromise is important in a relationship, and Nick asks Vanessa if there’s anything in their relationship she wouldn’t be willing to compromise. “You know, I’ve thought about this a lot,” she tells him. “The only thing I wouldn’t sacrifice is Sunday lunch with my family in Montreal.” Nick thinks for a moment. “So,” he replies. “What you’re actually saying is that you wouldn’t leave Montreal and move to America…” Vanessa thinks for a moment and then says, “If it makes you feel better, anal is still on the table!”
Eventually Vanessa tells Nick that she loves him, and then they bang. Huzzah.
Nick shows up to the Rose Ceremony already crying, so either he’s an even bigger bitch than we originally thought, or he ran out of Gold Bond and the chafing is getting unbearable. Two solitary roses sit before his three remaining concubines. Wiping his tears from his eyes, Nick says, “Up to this point, I’ve been afraid of leaving here alone. But this week, my fears have been overtaken by the love that I feel.”
He picks up the first rose. “Raven,” he says. “Will you accept this rose?”
By golly, Raven takes the rose, thanking her lucky stars that she might finally have a ticket out of Hoxie.
Rachel and Vanessa stare at the last remaining rose. The tension mounts. Who is going to get the rose? The anticipation is almost unbearable, until I remember that ABC already ruined this season when they told us Rachel was the Bachelorette three goddamn weeks before she got kicked off the show.
“Vanessa” Nick calls. She takes the rose, pulls off a petal, and gently blows it in the general direction of Canada before stepping back in line.
The producers don’t even bother giving Rachel the classic Bachelorette exit edit with sad music and a long, tearful goodbye; we see her sit down with Nick for a few minutes so he can tell her that she’s amazing, but not quite amazing enough to marry while she tries to keep her mascara from making her face look like a Jackson Pollock painting. I don’t even know if I’m supposed to be sad or not; I’m mostly just relieved that she’s not in the finale to totally ruin this season.
With Rachel eliminated and Raven and Vanessa as our two finalists, next week’s episode will be a classic Bachelor showdown between a brunette with an accent from a place I wouldn’t want to live and a brunette with an accent from a place I wouldn’t want to live. How ever will Nick choose? I guess we’ll just have to wait until next week to find out…
Women Tell All
As a reward for surviving the final hour of Fantasy Date Bullshit, Chris Harrison rewards us with two hours of utter nonsense. Here’s a quick rundown of who showed up:
– Jaimi – Nick’s best shot at a threesome
– Liz – Jade’s maid of honor that Nick already banged and thus had no need to bang again
– Elizabeth – Literally no idea who this bitch is
– Josephine – Showed up looking like she just finished watching a make up tutorial created by Ursula the Sea Witch. Someone should have told her that SJP circa Hocus Pocus was not a winning look for her and probably not the best attempt at showing Nick what he was missing out on
– Lacey – Surprisingly hot for getting sent home on the first night
– Christen – Gretchen Wieners
– Alexis – LONG LIVE DOLPHINSHARK. MAY HER REIGN IN PARADISE BE ETERNAL.
– Dominique – More like Dominotinterested
– Hailey – Wholey? Hooli?
– Taylor – This season’s true villain. #TeamCorinne
– Sarah – Hot but lame.
– Jasmine – Chokey enthusiast
– Danielle L – Still pissed that she ruined my bracket
– Corinne – Queen.
– Whitney – Not Assturd
– Danielle M – One-upped Josephine in the dramatic look change department. She looked banging in her new platinum blonde dye job and white jumpsuit number. However, she really killed the mood by making frame-by-frame recreation of her final date with Nick before being sent home by saying zero words.
– Kristina – Understandably bitter that she ate lipstick for this shit
I can’t possibly break down all the utter nonsense that happened, so here’s the highlight reel:
The first portion of the episode is devoted to allowing women who got virtually no screen time to scream at each other on camera in an attempt to get enough Instagram followers to quit their jobs and hawk FitTea and Sugar Bear Hair and possibly get a spot on Bachelor in Paradise. My ideal line up of ladies from this season would be as follows: Corinne, Alexis, the Danielles, Sarah, Jaimi, Lacey and Taylor. I’m intentionally leaving off Kristina because she is too good for this shit and deserves better than some fuckboy like Josh Murray trying to swoop in on her and including Taylor because I want to watch more of her and Corinne.
The first castoff to take the hot seat was Liz, who again rubbed in the fact that she had sex with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She then quoted a few inspirational posters about your present not being defined by
who you fucked your past that she found on Tumblr. Apparently, this really resonated with the audience as they gave her a standing ovation. I stood up to get more wine.
The next woman that Nick did not love to take the hot seat was Taylor. Have you even seen one of those videos where piranhas devour a live animal and only leave its skeleton in their aftermath? That was essentially what happened to Taylor. She tried to drum up some sympathy as she tearfully asked Corinne if she understood the impact of her words on Taylor’s career. Corinne did not have a single, solitary fuck to give; in fact, halfway through Taylor’s interview, Corinne got up, went backstage, and returned with a glass of champagne to help her deal with Taylor and all her feelings. She tries to ask Corinne for an apology, and Corinne is just like “Nah.” In all fairness, if Taylor was that concerned about her career as a mental health counselor, maybe she shouldn’t have agreed to appear on reality television.
After she essentially refused to acknowledge Taylor, Chris Harrison calls Corinne up to the hot seat. “So,” he starts. “Let’s talk about the nap.” Corinne pauses. “Which one?” she responds. This pretty much set the tone for her entire interview. She tells Chris that after watching the show, she realized she came across as a little bit more promiscuous than she intended, but her goal was to get Nick’s attention, and it worked, so she has no regrets. Taylor tried to jump in and talk more about emotional intelligence and the two of them talk at each other for a while; to be honest I tuned out because I couldn’t care less. Corinne knows exactly what she’s doing, and she owns it. I respect that.
Corinne also takes some time to defend her relationship with Raquel; she tells the other women she called her a “nanny” because she thought it would be disrespectful to refer to her as a cleaning lady given that she is a big part of her family. Apparently, Raquel moved from New Jersey to Miami to be with Corinne’s family when they found our Corinne’s mom had cancer, you know, in case there was any doubt that Raquel is a saint. Corinne finishes her time in the spotlight by taking a page out of Oprah’s book and announcing to the crowd that she had a gift for everyone: cheese pasta. Backstage, Raquel smiles, knowing that she’s helping Corinne make sure all those other bitches get fat.
Next up is Kristina, and we’re forced to relive the horrors of her childhood in Russia and remember how much shit she’s been through before coming on this garbage heap of a television show. By the end of her conversation, every single person in the audience is crying. Liz pipes up again, telling the crowd “I just want to take a moment to remind everyone that holy shit we are the dumbest group of bitches in the world. Kristina literally ate lipstick to survive and we spent an hour arguing about emotional intelligence.” Liz isn’t my favorite, but that’s a great goddamn point.
The episode ends with Rachel taking the stage. Chris Harrison starts the conversation on a predictable note with, “So, you’re the first black Bachelorette!” Rachel smiles, and starts to respond, saying, “Holy shit! Look! There’s a shark in the audience!” She talks about how although Nick broke her heart, she’s ready to find love and all the other things she is required by dictum of the Bachelor gods to say.
The episode is brought to a merciful end by a montage of bloopers from the filming of the season, which are mostly just encounters between the contestants and insects. It’s entertaining but wasn’t worth sitting through two hours of this bullshit to see.
Well, folks, one more episode and this season will be a wrap. Thanks for sticking with me so far – the finale should be one for the books. See you then. .
Image via Twitter / The Bachelor