A Dude’s Breakdown Of Week 1 Of “The Bachelorette”

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A Breakdown Of Week 1 of “The Bachelorette” By A Dude

Since nothing actually happened on Monday’s two-hour Bachelorette premiere, we had a lot to accomplish in episode two.

Chris Harrison didn’t waste any time tallying up which Bachelorette ended up with the most roses stuffed in her box. He talks to Britt first and lets her know that although there were a lot of dudes who were into her, she didn’t make the cut and won’t be this season’s Bachelorette. She says that she is “so surprised” as she wipes her eyes, which ironically have no tears coming out of them at this point. Solid acting. I hope your waitressing job is still available.

Once Kaitlyn finds out that she’s the Bachelorette, her first question is “How did Britt take it? I bet she took it well,” which I believe is Canadian for “I hate that bitch – she should have known she was leaving my show tonight”

Chris reminds Kaitlyn that since she’s now our new Bachelorette, she must decide which of the “25 24 (RIP Matt R) most eligible men in America” will get roses tonight. We’re really calling these dudes the most eligible men in America? More like the 24 most capable of taking between one day and ten weeks off from their “jobs” to go “find love.”

As soon as Kaitlyn is revealed as the Bachelorette, all the dudes who were Team Britt collectively shit their pants. The dudes on Team Kaitlyn definitely took notice – it was like their periods magically synced up and they were instantly ready to turn the rest of this night into a fucking bloodbath.

Highlights from the Cocktail Party

Jared, the restaurant manager, immediately decides to tell Kaitlyn that although he didn’t vote for her, he is totally open to falling in love with her. He’s acting like a puppy that just shit on the carpet and is begging not to have his nose rubbed in it. Meanwhile, Brady, the singer-songwriter, doesn’t know what to do about the emotions he has about Britt leaving. Maybe go write a song about it? Post it on your MySpace and see what happens. It could be your big break.

Chris The Dentist puts the moves on Kaitlyn and gets the first kiss of the season. Guess you can’t judge a man by his cupcake car. Clint and Joe watch this go down through the window and decide, “It’s our duty to spread the news to the rest of the guys.” Come on, ladies. Leave that shit on the playground.

Joshua gives Kaitlyn the rose he welded for her. I struggle to make paper airplanes, so I’m going to let him have that moment. Regardless, Kaitlyn gives the First Impression Rose to Shawn B., which mean’s he’s going to go far, but ultimately not win.

Rose Ceremony

Shawn B. already has a rose, so the remaining 18 go to:

1. Chris – Dentist, one of the guys to already get some tongue action.
2. Ben H. – Did Nick from Andi’s season get fat and change his name to Ben H.?
3. JJ – Revealed that he has a 3-year-old daughter, and that getting a rose means she may be getting a stepmom. We’ve got a Stage 5 Clinger, folks.
4. Joe – From Kentucky, brought moonshine, needs subtitles.
5. Kupah – He speaks like a maniac who is running out of oxygen, but ABC is legally only allowed to send white people home on the first night.
6. Daniel – Fashion designer that looks like the love child of Edward Norton and Adam Lambert.
7. Ryan B. – Who?
8. Joshua – In exchange for his hand-crafted steel rose, he gets a boutonniere. Seems like a fair trade.
9. Tony – He makes me so angry I refuse to pay attention while he speaks.

At this point Brady stops the entire rose ceremony to tell Kaitlyn he was only here for Britt and leaves to go find her. In other news, during their conversation we see that it is now dawn, so they have all got to be hungover as shit by this point.

10. Clint – Tattled on Kaitlyn for kissing on the playground.
11. Cocaine Corey
12. Jonathan – Team Britt.
13. Cory without an “e”
14. Ben Z. – One of the personal trainers.
15. Tanner – I’ve got nothing.
16. Ian – Ran track for Princeton, got hit by a car, wants everyone who was Team Britt to be executed.
17. Justin – Another trainer.
18. Jared – Tell Kaitlyn you wanted Britt to be the Bachelorette, and she’s going to make you sweat it out. Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

This means we’re saying goodbye to the law student/stripper, amateur sex coach, the real estate agent who probably actually sells time shares, and some guy that I’m not entirely sure had appeared on camera at any other point in the night.

Every season ABCs promises that this will be “the most dramatic season yet” – and the preview of the upcoming weeks make it seem like they may not be bluffing this time:

1. Speak of the devil himself – Nick from Andi’s season is apparently joining the cast at some point. He made it to the finale before she dropped his ass, and all you need to know about him is that his hair looks like pubes and he used the phrase “making love” live on national TV.

2. Apparently Kaitlyn has sex with one of the dudes at some point fairly early on in the season, and then tells everyone else about it. Prepare your life rafts, man tears are coming.

Image via Shutterstock

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