Alright folks – if you’re reading this, I’m not going to waste your time explaining the rules of ABC’s
Sausage Fest The Bachelorette. This season we’ll be following Jojo (Brojo) Fletcher’s journey to find fame love – the last time we saw Jojo she was heartbroken at the final rose ceremony on the most recent season of The Bachelor, where Ben Higgins revealed to America that he is indeed an ass man when he chose Lauren Bushnell over Jojo and her knockers.
The episode starts with a montage rehashing Jojo’s journey on Ben’s season. Spoiler alert, she gets dumped. She spends some time talking to a few of the previous Bachelorettes – Alli, Des, and Kaitlyn who essentially tell her to make out with everyone she can. Under her breath, Kaitlyn whispers “Just don’t fuck some dude on the first date when you’re still on camera and then tell everyone about it the next morning when you’re still a little bit drunk.” Live and learn.
The rest of the episode was devoted to meeting the cast of this season. At first glance, it seems like we’ve got an even split between twatrockets and dudes who have the potential to be real contenders. Let’s break it down:
Jordan, 27, Former Pro Quarterback, Chico CA
The first and last people that come out of the limo are usually power players in a season, and I don’t think Jordan will be the exception, especially given that he’s Aaron Rodgers’ brother. As long as he doesn’t do anything ridiculous, he’s going to go far, if for no other reason that Jojo’s family seems eager for fame. Her brother has already been on a reality dating show and her mom appears to be auditioning for Botched every moment of every day.
Derek, 29, Commercial Banker, Chicago, IL
Derek’s bio is very well thought out and eloquent – dude seems like he isn’t a raging shithead. When he meets her he’s a little reserved and nervous, but tells her he was blown away her sense of self. She seems to be a big fan of what he’s bringing to the table. He’ll stick around for a while.
Grant, 27, Firefighter, San Francisco, CA
Grant seems like a loose cannon. He considers himself a romantic because “even if I’m just hooking up with a girl, I still do cute stuff for them all the time.” Like what, waking them up with your junk on their face? The most outrageous thing he claims to have done is evade the Mexican police on an ATV; he also says his most embarrassing moment was being slapped in the face by an ex at the bar. I’m guessing he wasn’t totally blameless in either of those incidents. His worst date was listening to a girl talk about Harry Potter for twenty minutes, which actually sounds great to me.
James F., 34, Boxing Club Owner, Nashville, TN
The most outrageous thing he’s ever done was leave the safety of his chiropractic practice to pursue his fitness and acting dreams – so clearly we can see why he’s on this show. Maybe he can land a commercial out of this or something because there’s no way he’s going to win.
Robby, 27, Former Competitive Swimmer
Exactly what does one do as a former competitive swimmer? He brought Jojo a bottle of wine as a gift and they drink it straight from the bottle, and I respect that. Jojo tells him her mom will like him, which makes sense since we watched Momjo take some champagne to the face in the exact same way on Jojo’s hometown date last season.
Alex, 25, US Marine, Oceanside, CA
Props to this guy for his service, he seems like a solid, all-American badass. His bio says he once ripped the door off a burning car to pull someone out, so color me impressed. I’m not in the business of talking shit about our armed forces, plus I think he’ll make it pretty far. I think the limiting factor for Alex will be that he’s barely taller than Jojo.
Will, 26, Civil Engineer, Jersey City, NJ
This dude is a goon, but he seems like an alright guy. He steps out of the limo with notecards for his entrance speech, but then drops them and reads them out of order as a joke. Not super smooth, but it worked for him. I think Jojo was a fan of him until he tricked her into kissing him using one of those elementary school origami-choose-your-own-ending contraptions. He’s going to get friendzoned hard.
Chad, 28, Luxury Real Estate Agent, Tulsa, OK
At first glance, I got excited because I thought this was Jojo’s ex-boyfriend Chad, who sent her roses when she was back in Dallas for her hometown date with Ben, which would make for some great television. Alas, it just seems we have another tool named Chad. Is luxury real estate agent synonymous with selling vacation timeshares in Orlando? He also answered three separate questions in his bio with the answer “Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright” so now I hate him. He talks a lot of shit about the other dudes in the house, which is my job, so I’m going to need him to step off.
Daniel, 31, Male Model, Vancouver, BC
In his bio, Daniel says he doesn’t have any tattoos for the “same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo” and that he is comfortable wearing swimwear in public because “why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?” I hate him.
Ali, 27, Bartender, Santa Monica, CA
His three favorite movies are Midnight in Paris, Dumb and Dumber, and Her, which seems like a strange spectrum to me. His eyebrows look like obese caterpillars but he can play the hell out of a piano. My guess is he’ll stick around long enough to make it onto Bachelor in Paradise.
James Taylor, 29, Singer-Songwriter, Katy, TX
I may be mistaken, but isn’t there already a singer-songwriter by the name of James Taylor? When I was originally writing this based only on his bio, I was going to ask y’all for any guesses on how long it takes for him to sing for Jojo and put the over/under at episode 3, but James Taylor beat the odds and stepped out of the limo with guitar in hand. He was surprisingly less of a douche than I expected, but that may also because I can’t understand a damn word he says. Subtitles would be appreciated.
Jonathan, 29, Technical Sales Rep
He says that his favorite authors are J.D. Salinger and R.L. Stine, so either he hasn’t read a book since he was 16 or he was standing in the “S” stacks in a children’s library when he was answering these questions. He gets out of the limo wearing a kilt and informs Jojo that he’s half Asian and half Scottish, but thankfully his Scottish half is below the waist. He had to borrow Jillian’s black box since he went commando under his skirt, and no one wanted a Sharon Stone moment with his family jewels. Hard pass.
Nick B. (Saint Nick), 33, Electrical Engineer, presumably the North Pole
Based on his bio, Nick seems like a nice, normal dude. Then he got out of the limo in a Santa suit, shouting “Jo jo jo” instead of “Ho ho ho.” It was funny the first 1.5 times it happened, but homeboy was like a broken record with that one joke. He’ll make it through a few weeks and then disappear back to the North Pole by Week 4 or 5.
Chase, 27, Medical Sales Rep, Highland Ranch, CO
In my experience, medical sales reps are generally a bunch of bros, so I have a feeling Chase and I would get along. His biggest fear for a date is having the girl falling in love and him not being into it, so someone may have a slightly inflated sense of self-worth, but then again, he is on The Bachelorette. He came out of the limo with a fake moustache on and told Jojo “I moustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later.” Good effort, but I still cringed a little bit.
Jake, 27, Landscape Architect, Playa Vista, CA
My parent’s cat is named Jake, so I’m going to forever associate that with this dude. He isn’t afraid of any animals because humans are “top of the food chain” which makes me concerned about Jake’s grasp on reality and the natural world. When’s the last time he sat down to a nice grilled bear that he killed on his own? Ask Leo how that works out.
Sal, 28, Operations Manager, Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Sal is a girl’s name. He gave Jojo blue stress balls and told her she could squeeze his blue balls. You can’t make this shit up.
Coley, 27, Real Estate Consultant, Chicago, IL
Is Coley a real name? This guy looks like he should be in stock photos for community college, not on The Bachelorette.
Brandon, 28, Hipster, Los Angeles
I didn’t even read this dude’s bio before I wanted to punch his stupid face. Brandon seems like the type of guy who turns off the music at parties and forces everyone to listen to him sing and play shitty music on his guitar instead of having fun in an attempt to fingerbang someone else’s girlfriend in the bathroom. Also I’m pretty sure he was high as fuck.
James S., 27, Bachelor Superfan, Phoenix, AZ
I would be embarrassed to call myself a Bachelor superfan, and I write a damn column about this show.
Nick S., 26, Software Salesman, San Francisco
If Nick S. could have any job in the world he would be Don Draper or James Bond, who are in fact fictional characters, not jobs.
Vinny, 28, Barber, Delray Beach, FL
You’d think that a barber would have a better haircut. Also he told Jojo he would like to propose a toast, and pulled a piece of toast out of his pocket. He should have saved it for a snack for later.
Peter, 26, Staffing Agency Manager, Chicago, IL
I have nothing to say about Peter.
Evan, 33, Erectile Dysfunction Expert, Nashville, TN
I don’t even know where to begin. I get my MD on Saturday, and I don’t even know what an erectile dysfunction expert is – does he know a lot about it because he has erectile dysfunction? That would make sense – if I had to wake up every morning and saw what Evan sees when he looks in the mirror, I’d probably never be able to get a boner either. His bio says that he is very in touch with his sexual energy, and that it is powerful and beautiful, which gives me a powerful urge to vomit everywhere in a not-so-beautiful way. His relationship dealbreakers are “girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, and girls who have serious food allergies.” With that checklist, he’s probably never gotten close enough to a woman to need to use an erection, so we’re probably in the clear.
Wells, 31, Radio DJ, Nashville, TN
He brought All 4 One with him to serenade Jojo with “I Swear” for the entire night. That’s impressive. And weird.
Christian, 26, Telecom Consultant, Los Angeles, CA
I have no idea what a telecom consultant is – but I have a feeling its more on the spectrum of working at the Verizon kiosk at the mall than doing something actually cool. His bio is also a goldmine of weird shit – Christian says that he has two cats, which I already find odd, and that his “Ex took my Chihuahua :(” This leads me to the following questions: Why are you using a sad face emoji in your bio, and more importantly, why did you have a Chihuahua? Also items on his bucket list include “Build a relationship with Mark Cuban and earn his respect and take a trip to space to experience the process and snap some epic selfies!” Do less, Christian, do less.
Luke, 31, War Veteran, Burnet, Tx
Another serviceman here, but seems a bit more intimidating than Alex. He rides up to the Bachelor mansion on a white horse with a unicorn taped to its head as a nod to Jojo’s entrance to Ben’s season wearing a unicorn mask. Well played, good sir.
The rest of the episode is a blur as Jojo rushes around trying to talk to all 26 of these dudes, and the dudes all trying to do something memorable, some more successfully than others. Alex does some pushups with Jojo squatting on his back, which did not seem comfortable for anyone involved. James F. teaches her how to box, and Ali plays Beethoven for her. Since not everyone can be talented like that, Vinny, Nick S., and Daniel the Canadian all get Star-Spangled hammered. Daniel spends an inordinate amount of time trying to explain the “Damn, Daniel” video to an obviously disinterested Jojo before he takes his clothes off and jumps into the pool. Every season has to have the naked pool guy – so glad ABC didn’t let us down like United did to me (and as a result, all of you) yesterday by not getting me home in time to watch this shitshow live.
The real sparks flew when Jojo spent time with Jordan – up to this point she told the cameras she was unsure if she felt a real connection with anyone yet. Their conversation was natural, and when Jordan realized he missed his opportunity to kiss her, he stole her away later to make sure he got another chance. No surprise – he earned himself the First Impression rose. It may not be a Super Bowl Ring, but you have to start somewhere.
After giving out the First Impression rose, Chris Harrison informs Jojo that it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. As the guys line up, another limo arrives carrying Jake Pavelka, former Bachelor and all-around douchenozzle. The dudes quiver in fear, trying not to shit their pants at the prospect of this guy pulling a Nick V. and joining the cast – but it turns out that the Fletchers and Pavelkas are family friends and he wanted to wish Jojo good luck and also be on television again. Crisis averted.
Jordan already has the First impression rose, so the remaining 19 (holy shit) go to:
1. Luke – Military dude, gave Jojo some cowboy boots.
2. Wells – If All 4 One doesn’t continue to follow him around I will be displeased
3. James Taylor – Not the real James Taylor, needs subtitles
4. Grant – Firefighter
5. Derek – Is that his actual complexion or did he get a bad spray tan like Ross?
6. Christian – Rode up on a motorcycle, takes care of his brothers, but I still don’t like him
7. Chad – Gunning to be this season’s villain, methinks.
8. Chase – I can’t tell who he is without the moustache.
9. Alex – Marine.
10. Robby – Another dude with the same damn haircut. I’ll get better at telling them apart, hopefully.
11. Brandon – Still don’t like him. Will continue to ignore his presence until he goes home.
12. James F – Former chiropractor, now boxer/actor/Bachelor contestant
13. Ali – I think that Jojo may think his name is Ollie.
14. Saint Nick
15. Will – Awkward jokes, awkward kiss
16. James S – Fangirl
17. Vinny – Drunk #1
18. Evan – Definitely got at least a half a chub when his name was called.
19. Daniel – Damn. Stuck with him for another week.
This means we’re saying goodbye to Jonathan and his kilt and visible scrotum, Coley with the bad hair, Sal and his blue balls, Jake, Peter and Nick S. Judging by the previews it looks like we’ve got a lot of aggression, physical altercations, and blood to be spilled this season. See you then. .
Enjoy our weekly Bachelorette breakdowns? Good, because they’re the best. This season, we’ll also be discussing The Bachelorette on our podcast, Touching Base, the morning after every episode. Subscribe on iTunes to get the fastest access to new episodes, or listen on Soundcloud if iTunes isn’t your thing.
Get things started by listening to our breakdown of JoJo and the guys after last night’s premiere.
Image via John Naffziger