Alright folks- it’s no secret that I’m pretty into the Bachelor franchise. Between The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and my personal favorite, Bachelor in Paradise, I currently spend two hours per week, twenty-six weeks out of the year watching this shit. However, this leaves me another twenty-six Monday nights with a Bachelor-shaped hole in my heart.
Sensing this problem, ABC stepped up to the plate and came up with a solution to bring us one step closer to a world that has year-round Bachelor programming. Via People:
Ben Higgins and his fiancée Lauren Bushnell have landed their own reality series, “Ben and Lauren: Happily Ever After,” and it’s coming to Freeform this fall.
Pump the brakes. We’re getting Ben and Lauren spinoff? I’m sorry, but I was under the impression we made a sport of watching this franchise because we’re all addicted to the rush we get from having two hours at the end of the worst day of the week to shamelessly judge people we don’t know in a rage fueled by wine, loneliness, and our own feelings of inadequacy. I don’t give a flying fuck about happily ever after.
Also, I can’t imagine it’s a good sign that this show is going to be airing on Freeform. In case you missed it, Freeform is the channel formerly known as ABC Family, which was universally loved for it’s frequent Harry Potter marathon weekends and the 25 Days of Christmas. Apparently ABC’s little sister wanted to shake its kid-friendly image and has apparently evolved into its moody teenage phase. Here’s an idea Freeform – let’s just strap a GoPro to The Chad and turn his life into our generation’s version of The Truman Show. You want to get ratings? That’s how you get ratings.
The former Bachelor, 28, and Bushnell, 26, got engaged on the hit ABC show’s most recent – and dramatic – season finale in March. Shortly after going public with their engagement, the two moved in together in Denver, Colorado.
The new unscripted series – which will be executive produced by seasoned Bachelor show runners, including creator Mike Fleiss – will follow the duo as they prepare to tie the knot while navigating their new life together.
I’m already bored. You know what was entertaining about Ben’s season? Olivia’s mouth, JoJo’s boobs, and those goddamn swimming pigs. I don’t see any of those on the cast list for this new show. I follow both Ben and Lauren’s Instagrams, and they are roughly as entertaining as my own (spoiler alert: mine isn’t very interesting). My next sentence was originally going to start with “Recent highlights from their accounts include:” but I couldn’t even find anything noteworthy enough for that.
On the other hand, the Sean/Catherine and Tanner/Jade combos are routinely killing it on the ‘Gram and Twitter. Just this Monday night, Tanner and Jade came home to find a snake in their house. Unfortunately, Jade has since deleted her tweet suggesting she “go apeshit and chop it into bits” since no pest control places were open; eventually they called the police to have it removed, and lucky for us, that video is still up here. The whole ordeal was hysterical.
Also, does anyone actually enjoy discussing other people’s wedding planning? I imagine that watching this show will be like being at the bar when you’re trapped in a conversation with your engaged friends on the one night in the last three months they actually decided to go out, if only for the sole purpose of word-vomiting every detail of their wedding planning while you suck down a Long Island and pray for the swift release of death.
The show will also focus on Higgins’ decision to explore politics: The software sales rep is considering running as a Republican for a seat in the Colorado House of Representatives in November.
Sweet Jesus. On The Bachelor, Ben had one job – hand out roses until he fell in love with one woman, then get down on one knee and shove a giant Neil Lane ring on that basic bitch’s finger – and he couldn’t even do that right. Why the hell would anyone want him to be their elected representative in the goddamn government? He does know that people don’t vote with roses, right?
And of course, it wouldn’t be a Bachelor spin-off without a few familiar faces. According to a release for the show, fan favorites from the Bachelor franchise will also be making appearances.
Here are a few suggestions for guests from former seasons to keep this show from being a total snoozefest: Sheila the chicken, Mandi the crazy dentist, Jorge the Bartender from Paradise, Jillian and her black box, Clare’s best friend the raccoon, Amanda and/or her children, Clint and JJ, and any member of JoJo’s family.
“Ben and Lauren: Happily Ever After” premieres in October on Freeform.
Goddamn it. See you then..
Image via YouTube