A Dude’s Breakdown Of “The Bachelor: The Women Tell All”

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A Dude's Breakdown Of "The Bachelor: The Women Tell All"

Alright, folks — in an attempt to get us all hot and bothered for the season finale, ABC blue balled us with this “Women Tell All” episode. In reality, they should have called this “Women Tell Nothing” because that would have been way more accurate. Let’s break it down.

Breaking and Entering to Crash Bachelor Viewing Parties

Last time I checked, randomly sneaking into people’s homes while they’re watching television with their friends and family is generally frowned upon, if not illegal. Thanks bin Laden. I guess these social norms don’t apply when you’re the Bachelor and/or Chris Harrison. The pair sneaks into a few viewing parties in the Greater LA area, and each time they are greeted by screams of glee and tears of happiness. If anyone interrupted my Bachelor viewing party, I’d be like “SHUT UP! CAN’T YOU SEE WE’RE WATCHING THE BACHELOR? I CAN’T HEAR THE TEARS.” (Unless it was Lauren H. I’d definitely pause it for her.)

The first two stops are at the houses of some regular people. One couple has their baby dressed up in a hand-decorated onesie that says “Mrs. Higgins.” I get that it’s supposed to be cute, but do less, please. The last stop was at a sorority house, and as soon as Ben walked inside, complete pandemonium ensued. At least four girls died immediately when their ovaries exploded at the sight of the Bachelor in the flesh. The survivors mauled Ben, climbing onto him like a lifeboat during the sinking of the Titanic. Eventually, Chris Harrison was able to pry Ben from their clutches, and as they left, he remarked, “Think about how different your life is now from how it was two years ago!” Ben replied, “Yeah. I was on Tinder then.” In Iowa, Chris Soules tells his favorite cow “There’s nothing wrong with being on Tinder! Although I do pull way more ass with my FarmersOnly.com account…”

Back in LA, Chris Harrison introduces the women who returned to talk shit, cry, and watch terrible edits of their most embarrassing moments broadcast on national television. There were a few notably absent contestants – Breanne of Tarth was apparently too busy annoying Sansa Stark to join. Two of the original four Laurens played hooky with Red Velvet, Maegen, and Huey, Maegen’s miniature horse. Mandi the dentist must not have finished her stint at rehab and Samantha was still too sour about her departure to participate. However, all the relevant contestants made it back and much to my delight, so did chicken enthusiast Tiara. Her most prized chicken, Sheila, accompanied her. Sensing the impending implosion of the night, Sheila attempted to GTFO, but instead flew directly into Lace’s arms. “Finally!” Lace whispered as she stroked Sheila softly. “Someone to love me.”

The conversation begins with everyone screaming at each other simultaneously. It’s like Mean Girls meets The Hunger Games, except the odds are in no one’s favor and everyone is a bitch. Eventually Jami, Amber, and Jubilee gain control of the conversation. The next ten minutes are devoted to a debate about race – Jami and Amber claimed that Jubilee made some derogatory remarks about them being biracial. I’m not Chris Rock, so I don’t feel qualified to make any jokes about this particular situation – it was tense and I drank a lot of wine while I waited for it to be over. Eventually, I got my wish as Chris Harrison called Jubilee to the hot seat.

Jubilee in the Hot Seat

Segueing from that racially charged conversation, Chris Harrison managed to make Jubilee even more uncomfortable by asking, “You know Ben was super into you, right? You really fucked that one up. From the beginning, he talked about how much he wanted to get to know you. I mean, you weren’t Baby Lolo or Brojo, but you would have definitely seen cooler places than Mexico City if you would have just held his damn hand.”

Jubilee talked about how great Ben was to her, but how overall she still feels that she’s hard to love. Her tattoos may be hard to love, but I think she’ll do just fine. She said that how Ben reacted to learning about her difficult past was an incredibly important experience for her. She revealed that she is still in the military and was recently promoted to sergeant, which gives her permission to kick even more ass than before. Jami and Amber shift in their seats uncomfortably. Sheila clucks.

Lace in the Hot Seat

Chris Harrison’s next victim is Lace. After watching the replay of her scenes, I’m fairly sure she got more screen time in just two episodes than Jennifer did throughout the entire season, and she made it like three times as far as Lace. That is an accomplishment only true insanity can make happen. Speaking of true insanity, crazy Ashley S. is 36 weeks pregnant, and based on Harrison’s calculations, she got knocked up the week she got home from Paradise. Let that sink in for a minute.

Lace tells Chris Harrison that her entire Bachelor experience was incredibly uncomfortable; it brought out a side of her she didn’t know how to control. Since her departure, she’s focused on learning to become a more normal human being that can better follow social cues. She’s also working on being aware of her facial expressions. We’re seeing some really groundbreaking revelations here; it’s like we’re watching Dr. Phil, not Women Tell All. Harrison asks her if she still uses the word “crazy” when describing herself on dates, but is interrupted by shouting from the audience.

Some random dude immediately offstage shouts “Lace! You are crazy – crazy beautiful!” As soon as the camera is on him, he pulls up his shirt to reveal a tattoo of Lace’s face on his side, and just like that, this episode took a sharp left turn into What The Fucksville. Homeboy jumps on stage, tosses his phone to Harrison, and asks him to take a picture of real Lace with tattoo Lace. I secretly hope that dude lost some sort of bet, because if he did that of his own volition, he needs more psychiatric help than all of these contestants combined.

After that debacle, Chris Harrison fears for his life and begins to wrap up the interview. He tells Lace “So, I can tell The Bachelor wasn’t a good fit for you. You know what I think would be perfect? Bachelor in Paradise. Would you like to join us this summer?” Lace agrees because what better place is there to find yourself than in the bottom of a bottle of tequila with 13 other reality show rejects? Anyone want to bet on how long it takes Lace to hook up with Jorge the bartender? I’ll set the over-under at 3 days.

O Face in the Hot Seat

Several weeks after her abandonment on that remote Bahamian island, a storm devastated O Face’s shelter and shrine to Ben. As she watched the baseball she’d caught from Brojo’s date at Wrigley Field slowly bob away, she waded into the water after it in a desperate attempt to save a shred of a memory of the life she had shared with Ben, which she had created entirely inside her head. She trudged deeper and deeper into the water after the ball, but alas, the current generated by hundreds of baby sea turtles circling her island swept this final memento further and further away.

O Face had seen these turtles for days and had hoped to tie them together with a rope she’d braided from her back hair; however, the turtles never ventured quite close enough for her to catch. It was almost as if they were being repelled by an angelic forcefield. Determined not to lose her last token of Ben’s affection (albeit his affection towards another woman), she took one last step into deeper water. In a moment of terror, she realized her sturdy thighs did not extend far enough to touch the ocean floor, and in that instant her world was turned upside down. Literally. Propelled by the profound buoyancy of her cankles, O Face was flipped onto her back, cankles afloat. She was astonished and gasped, opening her mouth so wide that her cheeks caught a gust of the storm winds and inflated like the sails of an old wooden ship from Civil War times.

Using herself as a human life raft, O Face sailed south, making her way through the Panama Canal before turning back north. The voyage was difficult. A pod of whales offered to help her, but O Face told them, “Fuck off. I’m not here to make friends.” Eventually, she made it to Los Angeles, moments before the taping of the Women Tell All episode. Even the producers were shocked at her survival. They phoned their legal team about any potential liability regarding leaving a contestant for dead before finding O Face one of Hillary Clinton’s pantsuits from her disco days to wear for the episode. With only moments to spare, O Face hobbled onto the stage, unsteady on her sea cankles and looking like a sad, drowned Meg Ryan.

When it was her turn in the hot seat, she wobbled towards Chris Harrison.

“Can I have some water?” she mouthed like a dying whale shark.

“Of course. Right after you answer a few questions and sit through about 4 commercial breaks. And I’m going to need you to Instagram a picture of yourself with my new book. On second thought, that won’t work. Just promise to never promote my book; I want someone besides Andi Dorfman to want to buy it,” Chris Harrison whispered.

“Sure,” she replied. “Whatever it takes for a SmartWater. Actually, I’d even settle for a vending machine Aquafina right now.”

Once the cameras were rolling, the other women ripped into O Face. Her plight from the desert island did nothing to abate their rage. O Face tried to deflect their accusations, saying no one in the house confronted her about not playing well with others. Former Twin Emily disagreed, saying that on at least two occasions, she had done just that and was ignored. “You should have listened to me,” she tells O Face. “If you had, I wouldn’t have promised to flash Ben if he left you on that island.”

Eventually, O Face began to crack. Between her starvation and every woman on the show shrieking at her simultaneously, it was only a matter of time. Tearing up, she apologized profusely to Amanda for her Teen Mom comment. She finally broke down, talking about how living in the Bachelor Mansion reminded her of being bullied as a child, and since leaving the show, public backlash against her has been particularly brutal. “It hurts having people comment on my body. The mouth stuff is funny…well some of it at least.” Glad I could make you chuckle, O Face.

She concludes her time in the hot seat by telling Chris and the rest of the women and chicken that she had realized she did not approach her time on the show with the right attitude and had treated people poorly in the process. She again apologized before leaving the hot seat. Of note, Harrison did not offer to add her to the cast of Paradise but with her newfound ability to navigate the open sea, I wouldn’t be surprised if she jetted down there. We can only hope this isn’t the last time O Face graces our screens and our hearts.

Caila in the Hot Seat

I have a few friends that are from Caila’s hometown of Hudson, OH, and word on the street is she was back in town traipsing around with an entourage of cameras over the weekend. A few photos of her standing in a gazebo and staring off into the distance while surrounded by cameras popped up in my newsfeed as well, so I have a feeling we’ll be seeing a lot more of our favorite bubbly sex panther quite soon.

Caila’s interview with Chris Harrison was incredibly boring diplomatic. She describes her departure by saying “It was a hard day.” She tells the audience that she really did love Ben, and still does in a way. She also reveals that she misses him, but goes on to say, “It was good for me to see the way that Ben looks at Baby Lolo and Brojo. I want that someday. And by someday, I mean every Monday at 8/7c starting in May!”

Harrison asks Caila how it felt to know that Ben told both Baby Lolo and Brojo he loved them immediately after banging her. Caila snaps, “Super shitty. Super fucking shitty, Chris. What the hell do you think? Oops! Wrong line. I meant to say I’m so ready to find love. My heart is open, and I’m so excited for this journey! Do you accept this rose?”

Ben in the Hot Seat

After what seemed like an eternity of listening to the women beat dead horse after dead horse, Ben finally comes out (From backstage, not the closet). Chris Harrison greets him by saying “So you told two women you love them…You realize what a mess you’re in, right?” Ben winks at him and says “Doesn’t matter, had sex.”

A few of the contestants get a brief moment to address Ben in a rapid-fire fashion. Caila was the first up, and Ben starts the conversation.

Ben: “I hope you know how much you meant to me.”
Caila: “I appreciate you.”
Ben: “I don’t want you to discount our relationship.”
Caila: “Mommy and Daddy are so rich I don’t know what a discount is.”

Leah followed, asking, “If you were trying to keep all of your relationships separate, why did you tell Baby Lolo I was talking shit about her? It made it really awkward when I had to lie about it. I mean, obviously the truth would come out because everything we do is recorded, but that wasn’t fair to me.”
Ben: “Uhhh I didn’t force you to lie about anything. Also, what’s your name?”

Jubilee got the next swing at the piñata, saying, “I noticed that when Becca or Brojo would pull away, you would work hard to get them to open up. Why didn’t you do that for me?”
Ben: “They’re way hotter. Next question.”

O Face: “After watching the season, it makes sense why you left me on that island. I don’t really have any questions.”

Ben is too afraid of retribution from O Face to acknowledge her, instead focusing on Amanda. “How are the kids?” he asks her.
Amanda: “They’re great. It’s been almost a whole week since they last asked when their new daddy was coming back! Also, it made me feel really good to see you cry like a little bitch when you sent me home. Momma’s still got it.”

Becca speaks for the first time this episode, saying, “It’s really good to see your face. Also, it’s nice to know that there are guys out there like you. And yes, even after two seasons of The Bachelor, I’m still a virgin.”

Ben rambles to Chris Harrison for a few more minutes before he finally gets cut off. Our patience is rewarded with a few minutes of bloopers and other deleted scenes, most of which consist of the contestants and crew falling, having things dropped on them, or being attacked by bugs. The highlight was an interview with Becca, where she accidentally says “Chris” instead of “Ben” to another contestant. She recovers quickly, saying “Whoops! Wrong season!” Back in Iowa, Chris has a text to Becca all typed out and is staring at it, deciding if he should hit send or not.

The episode concludes with more scenes from next week’s showdown between Baby Lolo and Brojo. Ben digs his grave deeper and deeper as he tells each of them he loves them – we catch a sound byte of him telling one of them that he’s in love with her competitor, so next week may finally live up to the hype of “the most dramatic finale ever.” Like I mentioned last week, I will (hopefully) be celebrating matching for residency with champagne to the face Momjo style next Monday night, so I apologize in advance for next week’s breakdown being later than usual. See you then.

Image via John Naffziger

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