Columns

The Drinker’s Guide To Throwing Up At A Bar

Screen Shot 2014-12-22 at 8.49.34 PM

I recently celebrated becoming half of a lawyer. I chose to drink heavily, skip dinner, drink heavily again, and then go to the bars (to drink heavily). Eventually, I realized that I needed to vomit, so I hopped off to the bathroom as nonchalantly as possible. There were 2 guys in the only stall (wasn’t a gay bar, I promise) and the puke train had almost reached the station. I chose the “next best” option, the urinal. I puked all over that thing; in the bowl, on the handle, the wall and of course, the floor. The next morning I thought to myself, “Did I make the right choice?” I’ve decided I did not, and was then prompted to inform you, my dear friends, on what to do when you need to void your stomach in the local saloon bathroom.

1. Go throw up outside, preferably in a trash can or side alley.

If the bouncers haven’t seen you then not only did you save someone the chore of cleaning up after you, but you also “got some fresh air” so that potential hookup at the bar you were talking to still might sleep with you since she doesn’t suspect you just puked.

2. Outdoors not an option? Hit the stall.

Go in the stall and puke. Try your best to get it in the bowl. Flush. Ta-da, most of your mess is gone and you might have gotten away with it, without many people knowing.

3. A Trash Can.

The trash can is the next best option here. If you get it all in the can there’s almost no evidence of your recent purge, and you weren’t a dick to the people working at the bar. It’ll still smell the place up big time though, so make a quick exit of the restroom.

4. The Urinal, If you must.

If the other three options are out, first of all that is amazing. Secondly, try to keep the puke in the urinal and flush that fucker when you’re done. Chances are you’re going to clog it and flood the damn bathroom. Hightail it out of there, unless you know how to unplug a urinal.

5. The Sink, You Asshole

The sink is almost your last resort here. If you puke in the sink it will get clogged and no one will be able to use it behind you. This is an absolute asshole move. It will be a pain to clean up, it will stink, and it will be very obvious. Don’t be a dick.

6. All Over the Floor

You’re a monster. Leave the bar immediately, go home and have a long look at your life.

If you pull any of these off and don’t get thrown out of the bar, Congratulations! With all of that being said, I’d like to apologize to the staff at Daisy Dukes for puking in the urinal. And all over the floor of the stall.

Email this to a friend

Makers Manhattan Esq

Makers Manhattan Esq hasn't quite earned his JD, but he's damn close. Most of his time is spent reading boring books, and the rest of his time is spent drinking.He'll probably slur unsolicited advice at you and forget about it in the morning.

5 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More