Disclaimer: The questions and responses contained herein are not to be construed as legal advice. Names and details have been altered to protect privacy and the idiotic. No animals were harmed during the writing of this column, at least not the good kind. Luckily for the public at large, the opinions expressed herein are the sole and exclusive musings of the author and should not be imputed to anyone; may God have mercy upon her soul.
As an anonymous internet attorney, whose hobbies include writing internet smut and live-tweeting her wine binges and hangovers, some have deemed that I may be relatable to their current situations. This has opened up my DM inbox to some sketchy legal questions in hopes of free, non-judgmental legal counsel. At first, I was apprehensive about even entertaining such questions–because, for one, talking about work blows–so I told a few that while sending any questions my way is entirely void of any attorney-client relationship and any response I may offer is wholly sarcastic at best, they may ask things purely for my entertainment. Thus far, I have gotten a couple that I feel are worthy of sharing with you.
I’ll take this time to reiterate that I am no one’s attorney in any of these situations nor is this real advice. This is satire purely for your entertainment, as well as my own. However, these are apparently real things people out there are curious about. God, help us all.
This particular question come from a gentleman who prefers to go by “Action Jackson.” This was after I told him I would not say his name was “T.M. Poundersnatch,” as I do like to uphold some minimal form of couth. Mr. Jackson’s first question started like this:
“So my friend broke his hand at a sorority event…”
At this point, I had already started chuckling and read on in anticipation.
“He went for surgery, and the doctor altered the blood flow for longer than he should have.”
Ooohh, medical malpractice case. Not where I thought this was going, carry on.
“Now he has severe nerve damage, and he’ll probably never be able to completely use his arm again. Do you think he has a solid case?”
Immediately, my eyes lit up with dollar signs, because if it wasn’t for litigious persons, lawyers would be paid in Chili’s gift cards.
As a friend said, “medical malpractice cases are a tricky bitch.” This sentiment is likely because they are hard to pursue, mostly because you need expert witnesses to corroborate your side, and they are expensive. A cost-benefit analysis should likely be considered when determining how to proceed. Mr. Jackson’s response to my theories on medical malpractice was that it is a non-issue because there are numerous doctors verifying the negligence in this circumstance. It sounds like your friend has a solid case, Mr. Jackson, but I think I speak for all of us here when I say the real question is how the hell did your friend break his hand at a sorority event? Some bro get too touchy with his lady friend? Was it a game of Louisville Chugger gone wrong that ended in someone punching the side of the house? (I wouldn’t feel compelled to ask if I hadn’t seen it happen before.) Please let us know and keep us updated.
The second question for today is also brought to you by Mr. Poundersna–I mean, Jackson:
“I was elected Treasurer of my fraternity. Say I invest all our money in smack. Think you could get me out of charges?”
I can’t advise you to do that, for obvious reasons.
I then proceeded to inquire about the size of the investment to see if Mr. Jackson was contemplating trying to make some extra side cash slinging little pick-me-ups in the library or if he was thinking about going full Pablo Escobar.
“I have no priors, and we’re talking about $20,000.”
I explained to Mr. Jackson that he would definitely be looking at some serious charges.
“So only, like, 2 years?”
You have to appreciate enterprise, but this is a horrible idea. In lieu of breaking down sentencing guidelines to Mr. Jackson, I just gave him the most practical advice I could think of at the moment since the only image I had in my head was of some Polo-clad dudes marching their boat shoes up to the U.S.-Mexico border and being laughed at by the cartel, then having their heads put on stakes.
I think Mr. Jackson is going to stick with partying with his friend on bum-arm settlement money instead of pursuing drug lordism. I’ll look forward to updates from him in the future. If Mr. Jackson can take his ambition and legally apply it, the kid’s future looks bright. Or he could turn out to be the next Jordan Belfort. I haven’t quite decided yet.
In conclusion, this is not advice. Real advice comes from an attorney to whom you have paid real monies in order to render case-specific recommendations. However, if you want to see your absurd legal questions featured here, on the internets, void of any attorney-client privilege, accompanied by my tongue-in-cheek remarks, feel free to tweet them my way..