God, what a beautiful Sunday. Truly, I am blessed with the greatest job in existence. Sure, those action camera douchebags make fun of me because they film the “actual sports,” but those guys are lame. I know what the people of America tune in for. It’s not for slow motion action shots of dazzling athletics, it’s for the generic footage in between plays. That’s what this country lives for dammit. And I’m just the guy to deliver.
Alright, here we go. Five minutes till game time, and there’s a two-minute break in commercials while the announcers talk about who they think is going to win the game or whatever. Time for some crowd scanning action.
Boom. Right off the bat, here’s a babe in a pink jersey with no name on the back. You know she has no football knowledge under that blonde ponytail, but goddamn is she some eye candy to start the day off with. You’re welcome, viewers.
Now that I’ve got your attention, let’s get serious for a bit. As you know, this team has a rabid and loyal fan base, and who better to represent that then two seventy-year-old women that have been coming to this game every year for the last six decades. Look at them laughing and talking, oblivious that millions of Americans are watching them stuff their face with cheese fries.
Speaking of cheese fries, how could I forget?! This team comes from a major metropolitan area in the U.S., and you know they have some kind of local culinary specialty! Put a bib on America, because your mouths are about to water as I hit you with a pan-out shot of cheese in vats, or a pig being smoked, or I guess maybe a fish market? Looking at you Seattle, get some cuisine already.
Alright, last 30 seconds before game time. Gotta go back to the basics. Blurry, shaky shot of a the owner and his rich friends getting day drunk in a box suite that costs more than my house? Check. A slow motion shot of the quarterback looking intently off into the distance? Crushed it. As long as I’m not shooting Eli Manning, that’s always a crowd pleaser. Annnnd fade out. Shit, I’m good at this.
During The Game
Okay, now that the sport nonsense is taking a break, we’re rollin’. Little kid losing his absolute mind to a song this stadium has been playing since 2009. That little guy is going to be sleeping off a mean sugar rush in twenty minutes, but for now he’s comedic gold.
Oh, I guess these “athletes” are tired and need another break. Good thing I’ve got three of the drunkest, fattest, humans in existence all painted up ready for everyone’s viewing pleasure. I hope you didn’t just get a fistful of chips, because that image is going to make you go back to the fridge for the veggie platter instead. I’m practically saving people’s lives by making them more health conscious. See, mom? Not only doctors make a difference!
The man upstairs just tagged me in for a field shot. Don’t even tell me what you need Terry, I’m already on it. Steady hands, clear heart, can’t lose. Here comes the super slow-mo of a coach that can’t see his toes give the least athletic fist-pump/flex combo imaginable. Suck on it action-camera jockeys, look who’s killing it now.
End of Game
Well everyone, as usual, it has been an absolute pleasure painting you a beautiful painting of humanity with my camera. But don’t worry, Daniel’s got a little something extra for you this week, because guess what? I’ve got a compilation of three poorly spelled, safe-for-television fan signs coming at your eyeballs! One of them is a acrostic poem for ESPN, and the other one is a glittery sign held up by a little girl that says, “We love (the most overrated player on the team).” Isn’t that adorable? Oh, what’s that, Terry? Literally no one is staying to watch the postgame report? Time to shut it down till next week. .