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A Dating Site For People Who Suck At Dating

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This is a pretty simple idea. I want to create a dating site for people who don’t appear to be great romantic prospects “on paper.” How do you know if you fall into this category? If you clicked on this article, you’re in the category. Congratulations, there is lots of room for us. Now let’s establish what I mean by people who “suck at dating.” This site isn’t a place for people who are just shitty human beings. If you’re a hardcore racist and it prevents you from finding a mate, it’s not because you suck at dating, it’s because you’re an asshole. “Oh, but softcore racists are acceptable?” No. And you’re a pedantic dick, so you’re banned, too.

This brings me to the next part of the site: moderation. I get why OkCupid and the like try to appeal to everyone. Those sites like money, but this is my form of philanthropy. This site will have a strict application process, overseen by myself and a select group of trusted advisors. We’ll commit ourselves to making sure there’s a relatively equal number of guys and girls (of all orientations). There are a lot of things that will prevent you from getting in. If you are incredibly dumb, a total asshole, or traditionally good looking, you’re not going to get in. That’s right. Really hot people are banned. They don’t have any trouble getting dates on the sites that exist already, so they aren’t my target demographic.

The target demographic is people in their twenties who share a simple goal: “I just want to find someone I’m attracted to who makes me laugh and would rather sit on the couch, get drunk, and watch movies than do basically anything else.” This sounds really specific, but I feel like that specific desire is something much more common in our age group than you’d think. Look, if you want to go out to the bars, party, and go home with someone who likes to party, that’s great. This site is for people who want to skip all of the weird awkwardness and “is he/she really into me” games, and go right to the sweatpants and recliner sex phase.

A lot of people might call that boring, or say that I’m trying to take the spark out of dating. You’re damn right I am. I’ve had enough fucking romance butterflies for a lifetime. They’re overrated. Listen to this song. That’s the goal.

We’re trying to appeal to young people who have a general similarity in terms of taste, who are lazier than they should be, and who don’t have a lot of money (traditional dating is expensive). Being poor and lazy isn’t a great look in the normal dating world, but there are a lot of us who appreciate those qualities. Sure, some ambition is nice, but there are definitely a shit ton of us who are in jobs that pay us very little. We continue with them in hopes they will eventually lead to jobs that pay a lot. Some of us don’t know what we want to do yet, but that shouldn’t prevent us from enjoying some romance in the meantime.

I’m still working on a name for the site. Loveseat Potatoes is definitely in play, although I’m not sure it’s catchy enough.

But enough of my ideas. This hypothetical dating community is for you people. What features do you want? Should there be trivia questions about Nickelodeon shows? Fantasy sports built into the site? Hidden pictures until you’ve chatted for a certain amount of time? Let’s quit whining about dating and do something about it.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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