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A Brutally Honest Brochure For Your Unbelievably Terrible Apartment Complex

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The Pier On Woodlawn Place

Screen Shot 2014-08-11 at 2.32.37 PMWelcome home!
We’d like to take this opportunity to welcome you to your new sanctuary — a little piece of Heaven to call your own! While we are located neither near the beach nor the woods, we believe that despite our use of “gotcha!” advertisements, you’ll grow to love this quiet and serene community located conveniently between I-35 and the airport. With a sprawling .42 acre compound featuring nine buildings, one parking lot, and tons of amenities you will quite literally never use, you’re sure to feel like you’re on vacation every single day! What can we say? We here at The Pier On Woodlawn Place provide nothing but the best.

History
Originally built in 1993, The Pier On Woodlawn Place quickly gained a reputation as the best overpriced “upscale” community east of 35. Unfortunately, seven months after we opened our doors, it was discovered that due to some unfortunately placed false signatures, we had not actually passed our building inspection. We were fairly close to cutting through the bureaucratic red tape of the issue when the untimely death of one of our residents (we cannot comment on whether or not this had anything to do with a lack of structural support under a third floor bathtub, as we are still tied up in legal battles with the victim’s family) forced us to close our doors for good. Well, for almost good. After sitting empty for 17 years, the abandoned buildings were purchased by local real estate scam artist and ponzi scheme extraordinaire, Lou Schmultz, and renovated just enough to meet code. Here at The Pier On Woodlawn Place, you get the best of both worlds: old world charm and mold.

Amenities
You’re not just paying for a home, you’re paying for an experience! Whether it is swimming in our blue-ish green pool that smells of a bastard child’s urine, Budweiser, and overpowering chlorine, or working out in our state of the art gym that features a yoga mat, a broken tanning bed, and a stack of sticky Playboys, you’ll be sure to keep both your mind and body in tip top shape! In addition to our fitness center and spa, our community also features a volleyball sand court that has never been used for anything other than premarital teenage sex and the disposal of hypodermic needles. Other amenities include: hearing your neighbor’s nightly ritual of smacking one another around and then participating in what can only be described as hate sex, getting your Sunday paper stolen by the manager (his wife is an overweight Extreme Couponer), and having your maintenance requests ignored for upwards of 37 days.

Staff
What we lack in education, we make up for in heart! Kidding. That’s actually a load of bullshit. While, yes, we are unholily stupid, we’re neither kind nor helpful. In addition to being more useless than the squatter in apartment 2B, we’re actually really fucking spiteful. Oh, and we live here, too – for free. What can we say? We’re basically “Big Brother,” except this time, our goal is not to lord over you like Josef Stalin intended, but to ensure that you will never see a penny of your security deposit after you move out once your mandatory 18-month lease is up. It’s 100% certain we’re actively screwing a few of the residents, while actively screwing over the rest of them.

Pricing and Floor Plans:
Studio:
 418 square feet, half of your monthly budget + paying your cellphone bill late
1 bedroom, 1 bath: 510 square feet, half of your monthly budget + paying your cellphone bill late + Ramen noodles 20 days per month
2 bedroom, 1 bath: 580 square feet, 65% of monthly budget, + extreme credit card debt + asking hookup for gas money
2 bedroom, 2 bath: 710 square feet, 90% of monthly budget + 1 Craigslist roommate ad + potential eviction

Contact Info:
Phone: 1-800-FKU-RSLF
Email: WeWontRespond@ThePierOnWoodlawnPlace.com
Twitter: @OnlyTweetsCatMemesAndInspirationalQuotes
Facebook: If You “Like” Us, We’ll Message Your Mom When Your Rent Is Late

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Catie Warren

Catie struggles with adulthood and has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with PGP, Catie was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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