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A Breakup Letter To My Cable Company

A Breakup Letter To My Cable Company

Dear Cable Company,

It is with a heavy heart that I write this letter. I have to get something off of my chest, I’ve actually felt this way for quite a while. I hate you. I hate everything about you. I’m sick and tired of this abusive, one-sided relationship where I just give and give and give and you just half ass it in return. I spend a small fortune on you every month for the privilege of barely more than basic cable and 30 mbps Internet. This is not fair to me and you know it.

We have discussed this before. I spoke to you time and time again and every time I said I’d leave you tried to get me to stay by offering me more things that I don’t even want for the same amount of effort and money. You know what I want out of this relationship. I want the fastest internet possible and the best content possible without emptying my bank account every month. You still haven’t changed.

I know this is the worst way to tell you, but I haven’t been faithful. When I canceled my cable and kept the Internet I didn’t give up television altogether. I instead spent my money on Netflix, Amazon Prime, and HBONow. I’m sorry. I just wasn’t satisfied with what I was getting out of our relationship, but I couldn’t get out just yet. You won’t let me.

You know I’ve been looking elsewhere. You know who I’ve been eyeing. I know this because you’ve been sending me scare letters about them. You say their television package isn’t as convenient. I don’t want convenient. I want quality and cost effectiveness. When your scare tactics didn’t work, you thought you could sway me by sending out a representative to my condominium complex to throw a pool party with mixed drinks and food. So what? Yes, I drank the margaritas and yes, I ate the burgers, but if you really wanted to keep me you’d drop my monthly rate by $50. Hell, even $40 per month less would at least make me think about it. The thing that pisses me off the most is that you know what you have to do and you don’t want to do it.

Well I’ve met a new company, new to the Internet and television provider industry, and they’re coming soon. They’re younger and know what to do to make me happy. They can offer me 33x the Internet speed for $30 less per month than your cable-only plan and if I want to add a television package I still get way much more for what I put in. Fiber optic, something you’ve never even tried to offer me. As soon as they are ready for me, I’m leaving for them and never coming back. I gave you a chance. I gave you many chances. You blew them all being too selfish to notice how things are changing. We’re breaking up. Go screw yourself.

Farewell,

A Former Customer

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5OClockShadow

"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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