Noted real estate website, Zillow, asked Americans which celebrities they would most like to have as neighbors, and which ones they’d hate to live next to. Personally, I’m only looking to live next to a local celeb so maybe if we’re at Wild Wings someone will recognize him and buy us a round of beers. That’s all I want. But they didn’t ask me. Check out the results.
Most Desirable Neighbors for 2017
The Obamas 14%
Leave your politics at the door for this hypothetical. Living next to an ex-President would be awesome. You’re basically getting round the clock security on the taxpayer’s dime, and you’re living next to a big sports guy who owns a Portuguese Water Dog. Two major selling points. Knowing that the neighborhood punks won’t be lighting bags of poo on my doorstep is exactly the kind of peace of mind I need in my life. And he’s a golf fiend that gets on at whatever course he wants to. That’s a major perk. All about the perks in 2017.
The Rock 13%
Perhaps the least surprising result given that the guy has completely dominated all facets of 2016. I didn’t even unfollow him on Instagram when he was straight up posting 5 minute clips of Ballers every other day. Hell, I even watched an episode of Ballers one time. It was trash, but I felt like I owed it to Duane Johnson for existing. I’m gonna see the damn Baywatch movie because he’s in it. His patience with me would wear thin after I showed up everyday looking to talk supplements, but I think we could have some good neighborly chemistry going on. Think Kevin Hart, but whiter and less talented.
Chip and Joanna Gaines 8%
My wife is a huge fan. Your wife is a huge fan. They seem like they’d be fantastic neighbors, but the thought of having a power couple that fixes shitty houses for a living gives me pause. This just sounds like a scenario that leaves me being self-conscious as hell. Nobody keeps up with the Gaines. NOBODY.
Look at Chip. That’s a guy who parties and owns every YETI ever made. You need that in your neighborhood.
Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi 7%
Ellen seems pretty chill.
She tells it like it is, which is a trait I for in everyone except my next door neighbors. I don’t need a international superstar dropping passive aggressive comments about my yard. Hey, Adele, I know it’s February and my Christmas lights are still up. But guess what? I’ve been busy. It’s Q1. Chill.
Taylor Swift 6%
Not sure how Taylor isn’t higher. She only rolls with models. Most people can’t say they live next door to a friend posse made up solely of tens. She’d probably include me in the occasional Instagram just to show the world that she’s still down to earth. That would be huge for my brand.
Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard 5%
I’d just beat Dax down with Punk’d questions. They’d end up hating me. Worth it.
Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner 5%
Of everyone on this list, the most potential for awkward interaction is Ivanka and Kush. Yeah, Kush. That’s what I’d call him. He’d hate it, but that’s a solid nickname.
Least Desirable Neighbors for 2017
Justin Bieber 36%
Even with the resurgence JB has seen in the last 2 years, he can’t shake the haters. I understand it. For every heater he puts out, he does at least 3 very punchable things that consume social media. If I’m under the age of 26 and single, living next door to the biggest pop star in the world is best case scenario. He obviously rolls with a surplus of hot ass, so any single dude living nearby would inevitably stumble into bed with a 7 or 8. “Hey I live next to Bieber” is a line that works 10/10.
Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna 23%
Tom Cruise 7%
Unfair. He did Top Gun, you sick bastards. Don’t let the Scientology stuff skew your judgment. He’s still Tom. Plus, you could always say “Now I’m looking at a crib right next to where TC lives.” Speaking of Kanye, how the hell did he not make this list?
Taylor Swift 4%
She made both lists. That’s how you know she’s a major player. It’s important to be both loved and feared. Machiavelli taught us that. Do the research.
Tom Brady 3%
He’s a winner and married a super model.
Ryan Lochte 3%
We’re still mad at this guy for being a complete dumbass? Let it go. You know you’d get hammered and try on some of his medals. That’s huge for your snapchat strategy.
Billy Bush 3%
Have to say, out of everybody on this list, he’s the guy I want to stand in a driveway with and sip craft brews. You know he made out like a bandit with that buyout from NBC. Your wife will hate it, but you’ll always know when something “hot as SHIT” is about to walk by.
Alex Rodriguez 2%
He’s about to have a 20-year career as a color analyst because he’s awesome at it. I hated the guy after he left Texas, but you know he’s got a reliable HGH plug which we can all appreciate.
There you go. Obviously, there were a few glaring omissions. McConaughey doesn’t make our top 5? He seems like he’s poised to have one hell of a 2017, so what the hell? And why not toss Miles Teller in there somewhere? He seems alright, and he’s legit been everywhere else lately. .
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