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A Breakdown Of Ivanka Trump’s Insufferable New York Times Wedding Announcement

This is a recurring PGP series. Catch up with all installments of Insufferable Marriage Announcements by visiting the archive.

A Breakdown Of Ivanka Trump's Insufferable New York Times Wedding Announcement

Insufferable New York Times marriage announcements have become a staple. Week in and week out, The New York Times publishes overwrought and pretentious puff pieces on the who’s who of the New York social scene. It’s safe to say that if you don’t have your name in The New York Times after you get married, you’re not going to get invited to The President’s Dinner at Trump National Golf Club.

Which is why I thought to myself, “Huh, I wonder why I’ve never seen Ivanka Trump’s marriage announcement to that yuppie-looking dude that’s always by her side – maybe she didn’t have one.”

Well, she did back in 2009. And there were really no surprises.

* * *

Ivanka Trump Weds Jared Kushner

Ivanka M. Trump, the daughter of Ivana M. Trump of Palm Beach, Fla., and Donald J. Trump of New York, is to be married Sunday to Jared Kushner, a son of Seryl Kushner and Charles B. Kushner of Livingston, N.J. Rabbi Haskel Lookstein is to officiate at the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, N.J.

Country club weddings are normally par for the course (pun!) when you’re an affluent white woman marrying a rich dude with great hair, but when you make the transition to having your wedding reception at your dad’s golf club? Next-level privilege. Color me shocked that she didn’t get married in New York City. New Jersey? Like, I know your dad owns the golf club, Ivana, but Jersey? Jersey?

I mean, Jersey is tacky enough, but they even included a free round of golf in their wedding invitations. You can’t make that type of self-promotion up.

The bride, 27, will continue to use her name professionally.

Damn, I thought only doctors did this so they could prescribe their significant others pills without getting flagged. This is just a middle finger to Jared. That being said, I think Jared entered this marriage knowing he was going to be the arm candy, so it’s surprising that he didn’t take her last name. He’ll probably go down in history as Ivanka’s Prince Philip. Dude is just riding horses, shooting guns, and flying planes while his wife only-kinda-sorta influences a country.

Most people don’t even realize that when they made their relationship public, they came out as “J-Vanka.” She probably told him, “You get one letter, Jared, use it wisely.”

She works in New York as the executive vice president for development and acquisitions at the Trump Organization, her father’s real estate company.

Executive Vice President for Development and Acquisitions is someone you want to be LinkedIn connections with.

She is also a principal in a jewelry company, the Ivanka Trump Collection, and is a host of “The Celebrity Apprentice” on NBC. She graduated from the University of Pennsylvania.

People say that if you want to co-host an overproduced television show on a major network where c-list celebrities whore themselves out for their last minutes of fame, you go to the University of Pennsylvania. That’s. just. where. you. go.

The bride’s mother founded two companies in New York: Ivana Inc., which handles her speaking engagements, books and other commercial ventures; and Ivana Haute Couture, which sells jewelry, perfumes and cosmetics on television. The bride is a stepdaughter of Melania Trump.

You have to love the creativity out of the Trump family: Trump National Golf Course, Trump Organization, The Ivanka Trump Collection, Ivana Inc. They’re probably second only to the Kardashians in terms of, “Plaster our name on everything.” Jared’s just sitting there like, “Hey, can we at least name the back nine at Trump National after me? I birdied #16 once when I stuck a 4-iron close.”

“Shut the fuck up, Jared,” Donald said. “Don’t you have a scarf to wear or a polo match to play in?”

The bridegroom, 28, is the publisher of The New York Observer.

As rare as it is to see the word “bridegroom” used in today’s wedding announcements, you have to think this is intentional. I’m actually surpised they didn’t just call Ivanka “the groom” and Jared “the bride.”

He graduated from Harvard and received a law degree and an M.B.A. from New York University.

Wouldn’t be a New York Times Marriage Announcement if it wasn’t littered with Ivys and schools where a semester costs more than most yearly salaries.

The bridegroom is also a principal in the Kushner Companies in New York, which owns and manages commercial buildings and apartments in New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

You need to stop calling him “bridegroom,” New York Times. You’re making us all feel uncomfortable.

The bridegroom’s father…

Okay, so you’re not going to stop. We get it, this guy officially doesn’t run his own life.

…who is a founder of his family’s real estate business, stepped down as the company’s chairman in 2004, owing to his legal problems, and has since resumed his title.

You’re not balling hard if you don’t have to step down as chairman due to legal problems. They say that if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying. And the same is true for business: if you’re not insider trading or laundering money, can you really be considered a shark?

But the best part of this entire announcement? The correction that the New York Times had to make after it was printed.

Correction: November 1, 2009
A report last Sunday about the marriage of Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner misstated the bride’s relationship to Melania Trump. She is a stepdaughter, not the stepdaughter.

Damn, even in 2009, everyone was forgetting about Tiffany.

[via New York Times]

Image via Ivanka Trump Instagram

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Will deFries

Will deFries (@WilldeFries) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries. Email me at will@grandex.co.

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