A Breakdown Of All The Dudes On “The Bachelorette” By A Dude

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A Breakdown Of All The Dudes On "The Bachelorette," By A Dude

I have no problem admitting trashy reality TV is my Achilles heel. There is something cathartic about knowing not only do people exist with lives more in shambles than my own, but that they are more than willing to share the train wreck of their daily existence with the rest of America. The Bachelor franchise is the embodiment of this phenomenon.

The show has been around long enough that I won’t explain the premise of how this fiasco works. This season does have a twist – we are starting with two Bachelorettes. There is Kaitlyn, who is brutally honest and hilarious at the same time. On the first night of The Bachelor, she told Prince Farming he could “plow the shit out of her field any day.” He kept her around until the top 3 so he could indeed plow her and then sent her packing before the last season’s finale. The other Bachelorette is Britt, an actress/waitress from LA. She is undeniably gorgeous but also undeniably crazy.

Most of the episode was spent meeting the 25 dudes who are going to compete in this season’s sausage fest. ABC released the bios of the dudes last week, so between those and last night’s episode, here’s a rundown of what we’re working with:

Ben H, 26, Software Salesman, Denver: This guy tries way too hard to be a bro. His idea of a perfect date is doing something “out in nature” which I hope isn’t code for taking someone out to the woods and murdering them.

Jonathan, 33, Automotive Spokesman, Detroit: We have our first glimpse of diversity, people! Per Bachelor rules, he will make it through the first night and then be sent home within the next three weeks. He also has a five-year-old son. Spent most of the episode critiquing people for getting too drunk. Chill, dude. It’s an open bar.

Clint, 27, Architectural Engineer, Chicago: His job seems legit, and he seems pretty normal. He gave Kaitlyn a hand-drawn portrait of Chris Harrison holding a rose and riding a triceratops, which is actually pretty fucking awesome. I predict he’ll hang around till the top 10.

Ryan B, 32, Realtor, Wellington, FL: His bio says he would want to be Seth MacFarlane for a day, so the dude has a great sense of humor. If Kaitlyn is the Bachelorette, he goes top 3.

Jared, 26, Restaurant Manager, Warwick, RI: This dude does a lot of drugs. He will probably do decently well until the Bachelorette realizes he is a restaurant manager in Rhode Island, which is arguably worse than being a farmer in Iowa, because at least Chris had a fuckload of money.

Kupah, 32, Entrepreneur, Boston: What exactly does just being an entrepreneur mean? Like, yes, I understand starting your own business–but are you just someone who starts businesses? Have you actually ever started a business that worked? Is your name pronounced like Cooper but with a Boston accent? Did he kill a minister to steal that jacket? I just have so many questions, which is stupid because there is no chance he sticks around long enough to be relevant. Also, either he cannot speak in complete sentences, or he wrote his bio in haiku form.

Brady, 33, singer-songwriter, Nashville: I’m already barfing in my mouth. Fuck off. I have a better chance of not getting sent home on the first night than you do. He played college baseball and then “played for the Cardinals in the minor leagues” – which means that he played in the minors, not for the Cardinals. Good try though.

Cory, 35, Residential Developer, Pearland, TX: He’s old as shit for this show but seems like he has a decent sense of humor and could go really far. Either that or he’s a freak show and there’s a really glaring reason why he’s single at 35. Not a lot of middle ground on this guy.

Ian, 28, Executive Recruiter, LA: Ran track at Princeton until he was hit by a car. Tough break. Otherwise not too much to insult, so my guess is he goes pretty far.

JJ, 32, Former Investment Banker, Denver: I have a few issues with this guy.
1. His name is JJ.
2. Being a former investment banker is a nice way of saying “I used to have a clutch job; However, I am either now unemployed or do something shittier.”

His bio says he won $20,000 gambling, so I’m guessing the reason he is a former investment banker has something to do with his impulse control issues. He did bring Kaitlyn a hockey puck since she’s from Canada and said that he “wanted to puck her.” Overall impression is that his guy is a massive twat rocket.

Ryan M, 28, Junkyard Specialist, Kansas City, MO: I’m sorry, but if you are going on a television show where they put your occupation underneath your name every time you’re talking on screen, don’t say you’re a junkyard specialist. What does that even mean? Are you the guy with the mean dog who sits on a lawn chair drinking a tall boy with a shotgun across his lap? Seems likely, considering homeboy got out of the limo already hammered. More on him later.

Bradley, 25, International Auto Shipper, Atlanta: This guy is a cocky son of a bitch. He didn’t get much screen time in the episode, but his bio mentioned that he’s down to bang Gisele, which is a bold strategy when you’re on a show about finding your wife. Maybe try to be a little less transparent on your campaign to be the next Bachelor, bud.

Daniel, 28, Fashion Designer, Nashville: At first glance, I thought this guy looked like a raging douche. I opened his bio to see that he is a fashion designer, so now I think he’s a douche that is more than likely not actually into women, but would like to sell his shitty clothes. It took me two Google searches to find his website where it appears he sells $70 plaid shirts. I bet my left nut he wastes no time mentioning he designed the shirt he’s wearing, and then him and Chris Harrison sneak off to talk menswear and jerk each other off.

Josh, 27, Law Student/Exotic Dancer, Chicago: Jesus H. Christ. You had to throw in the “slash exotic dancer” bit in there. They show clips of him at work in his firefighter outfit, and then he makes Kaitlyn and Britt rub his chest as he strips for them. No one was impressed.

Joe, 28, Insurance Agent, Columbia, KY: I have no idea where Columbia, KY is. He brings some moonshine that he probably made in his backyard which is a kind gesture I suppose. I could use some subtitles to help me understand him, but I have a feeling he’ll go fairly far.

Justin, 28, Fitness Trainer, Naperville: Good looking dude, probably jacked given his job. Depending on how well he can construct a sentence, he’ll stick around.

Tanner, 28, Auto Finance Manager, Kansas City, MO: Brought Britt tissues since she cried so much last season, but it took her a while to catch on he was actually making fun of her. Solid work.

Shawn B, 28, Personal Trainer, Windsor Locks, CT: How many fucking personal trainers do we need this season? Sweet Jesus. Nothing really stands out about him, but he seems nice and normal enough–could be this season’s dark horse.

David, 26, Real Estate Agent, Orlando: Being a real estate agent in Orlando is code for trying to sell timeshares at a condominium complex outside Disney World, methinks. Didn’t see much of him during the episode, and I’m okay with that.

Corey, 30, Investment Banker, NY: I am a little terrified of him just from his picture, and there is a solid chance he railed a line immediately prior to it being taken. He offered to “plow Kaitlyn’s field” which suddenly became less funny than when she said it. I think he’ll stick around longer than we want because of his money.

Tony, 35, Healer, St Louis: The only way this guy doesn’t get axed in the first 2 weeks is if Britt becomes the Bachelorette, because she is the only one who’d put up with his psychobabble pseudoscience bullshit. In fact, they’d probably go off and live in a commune somewhere together and never shower. I hate this guy.

Shawn E, 31, Amateur Sex Coach: Did no one show up to the casting calls for this season? Is this all we’ve got ABC? What’s the difference between an amateur and professional sex coach? Does he just watch randos fuck and offer his advice? Because I’m pretty sure that’s illegal, or at least frowned upon. He also drove up in a car full of water, saying it was a “car pool.” I only want him to stick around to find out what his job even means.

Chris, 28, Dentist, Nashville: Drove up in a cupcake car because he wanted to do something “sweet.” Not entirely sure he is straight, but his smile may be dazzling enough to disguise his boring personality for a few weeks.

Joshua, 31, Industrial Welder, Kuna, ID: Looks like a nice, normal, All-American type of guy. He welded a rose for Kaitlyn out of metal, so that’s pretty cool. He’ll stick around for a while.

Ben Z, 26, Fitness Coach, San Jose: His greatest achievement is getting some personal training certification. Is that more or less work than being a gym teacher? Dream big, buddy. His bio says his biggest first date fear is falling for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you–I think diarrhea would be way worse than that. He already mentioned that his mom passed away when he was 14, which is sad, but maybe wait a week or two before you play that card. My guess is he’ll get a hometown date.

Other than introductions, the only entertainment during this episode was Matt R (junkyard specialist) doing his best Champ Kind impression by getting blackout drunk drinking Fireball on the rocks. Between slapping Kaitlyn on the ass, taking his pants off and getting in the pool, Chris Harrison decided he wasn’t there for the “right reasons” and sent him home, depriving us all of so much potential entertainment. What a waste.

The rest of the episode revolved around the men deciding “which Bachelorette’s box they wanted to put their rose in” – both metaphorically and literally, to determine whether Kaitlyn or Britt will become the next Bachelorette.

The producers at ABC know exactly how to honeydick us – we won’t find out until tomorrow night who the men choose as their Bachelorette, and which guys get to stick around another week to make fools of themselves and ruin any marginal chance they had at gainful employment in the first place. See you then.

Image via Shutterstock

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