A Basic Bro’s Beer Review: Pumpkin 2.0

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A Basic Bro's Beer Review: Pumpkin 2.0

If you all thought I was done reviewing pumpkin beers, you were mistaken. I’m going to keep riding this pumpkin train all the way until Thanksgiving #SaveThanksgiving. Guys’ night was supposed to happen tonight but my buddy Buck had work and Special K has officially bailed in pursuit of ending his “Drought”. PGP. But Sir Reverend Turk has arrived and we’re about to get this party started. It’s funny he’s on board because he’s not even a huge pumpkin beer fan, but he’s willing to put aside that for a night of drinking. I have personally set myself a goal of making it farther than I did last time and I’m almost 100% certain I’m going to be late, hungover, and looking like shit at work tomorrow. Let the pumpkin purge begin.

1.McKenzie’s Beverages
Pumpkin Jack Hard Cider 5.0% ABV

Turk’s view on this brew: “I find this ale shallow and pedantic to say the least” is what a beer snob might say, but this jaunt is legit. Tastes like an apple cider with pumpkin and seasonal spices added to boost the flavor. As soon as you pop the top you catch a whiff of the pumpkin and cloves and it tastes exactly like it smells. My only qualm with the cider is that it has hella floaters in the bottom (to be expected with any cider) which I think may cause explosive bouts of mud butt if ingested. So far so good, but I’ll keep you updated on the mud butt.”

I forgot to mention Turk was an English major…. NERD!!!!!

This beer is a solid hit for the combination of a pumpkin beer crossed with a cider, I’m not sure if it’s even kosher to include a cider on my review list, but it’s “gluten free” for all you yuppie hipsters out there. Solid flavor, but not a beer. If this was a traditional brew, it would have been ranked higher. If I’m being honest with you all, it was an accidental purchase, but I’m pleasantly surprised. I might even get a sixer of this for game day.

3.4/5 pumpkins

2. Unita Brewing Company
PUNK’N Harvest Pumpkin Ale 5.0% ABV

Keeping up with the hipster beer trend from the gluten-free cider this beer prides itself on being organic. I’m internally debating whether or not I should put on my flannel. It definitely has a nice pumpkin aftertaste but is not heavy on the spice. I would drink the fuck out of this on a hayride through a pumpkin patch… maybe I’ll call Manny up and get that double date scheduled. It’s light, has a good pumpkin flavor that’s different because it embraces the actual flavor of pumpkin itself and not the pumpkin pie angle many brewers take, and I really enjoy it.
Turk: Have you ever walked down the street and seen a girl who was attractive, but nothing special, then when she walks past you notice she has an amazing ass and you forget about her face? That’s exactly how this beer tastes; nothing special at first, but the pumpkin is strong at the end and makes up for the mediocre face.

4.2/5 pumpkins

3. Flying Dog Brewery
The Fear Imperial Pumpkin Ale 9.0% ABV

My neighbor just came over. We are all now talking about furniture, painting, and dry bars. PGP. He’s officially joined the party, welcome to the neighborhood, bro.
Turk: The spice is not nice. Literally, this tastes like a spice rack nutted in the beer and the beer just took the load willingly. I guess there might be some pumpkin flavor in the back end, but it tastes shitty.

Shibbs: It’s dark like a stout, but is really bitter like an IPA. At least it’s 9% ABV. They put pumpkin on the label to try and sell it.

Neighbor: I like it because I like IPAs, but I wouldn’t hit it up if I was looking for pumpkin.
Survey says that it’s alright, not great, but OK. The high ABV took it from being in the twos and bumped it up with a generous tipsy curve to a 3.

3/5 pumpkins

4. Leienkugel Brewing Company
Harvest Patch Shandy 4.2% ABV

The neighbor actually brought this one over, and he’s now officially riding the pumpkin train. Next stop: Hammertown.

“This is pumpkin, very pumpkiny.”
“That’s Pumpkin.”
“It’s almost so pumpkin you’re almost forget its beer.”
“This pumpkin flavor is stronger than Atlas.”
“Pumpkin smacks you in the face, which is to be expected with a Leinenkugel. Pumpkin taste is solid, but it reminds me too much of the summer shandy.”

It’s a very light beer, but also has a light ABV. This is very easy to drink like the Summer Shandy, but it almost reminds me too much of that summer shandy. Easily a good tailgate option.

3.1/5 pumpkins

5. Long Trail Brewing Company
Unfiltered Pumpkin Ale 5.5%

This beer is bitter but surprisingly not hoppy and light. 22 IBU’s but not overly bitter. Not what we expected it to be at all. But in the words of Turk “What do you expect from Vermont, it’s just mediocre.” #ShotsFired The label makes me want to go hiking and drink beers through Appalachia with Madoff. I’ll be out to visit soon,bro. Just with slightly better beer.
We all agree it’s a good beer but lacks “pumpkin” I’m starting to feel the ABV but I will push on… for science… the readers… and the pursuit of a happier happy hour.

2.8/5 Pumpkins

6. River Horse Brewing Company
Hipp-O-Lantern Imperial Pumpkin Ale 8.1% ABV

It smells creamy like Guinness. We are now talking about how vegans ruin everything. STAY STRONG, GUINESS! Don’t believe me about Guinness check this. I can’t hyperlink. Deal with it. We also are wondering how many Guinness drinkers are actually Vegan… I want non-vegan Guinness like it has been the past 200+ years.

Shibbs: It’s definitely Imperial ale, but we can taste the pumpkin here. Pumpkin on the first taste, IPA and a hoppy flavor coming through on the end.
Turk: Well, the label says it’s made with pumpkin puree so I feel like I’ve been cheated. On the actual beer itself, it’s got some pumpkin taste, but not super noticeable.
Neighbor: First pumpkin hits your mouth, and then a wall goes up, then the IPA Hits. I’ve had more pumpkin.

3.3/5 Pumpkins

7. Evil Genius Beer Company
Trick or Treat Chocolate Pumpkin Porter 7.8% ABV

We definitely get chocolate, but not the pumpkin. If it were just a chocolate beer, we’d all be in 100%. But like the DuClaw brew the other week, it just lacks the required pumpkin taste. It has LOTS of chocolate flavor but lacks the pumpkin kick I want. While it struggles as a Pumpkin beer, it’d be a solid Blumpkin base. Would I say evil, maybe… Genius, no. It’s called trick or treat… they gave us a treat but they tricked the shit out of us by saying pumpkin…
Too much chocolate, not enough pumpkin, solid blumpkin base.

1.6/5 pumpkins

8. The Saint Louis Brewery LLC.
Schlafly Pumpkin Ale 8.0% ABV

I’m making wings for Turk… spicy sweet chili wings. Be a good host if your bros are coming over. If you ever visit, expect food, a bed and good company. At this age, that’s a priority. Shout Has somehow snuck it’s way onto the playlist and is blaring through the Sonos and we’re all in agreement it’s the best wedding song of all time. As far as the beer goes,

Neighbor: This beer puts the “spice” in “pumpkin spice.”

Turk: This shit has enough pumpkin spice to kill a small horse in Uggs.

Shibbs: I really like it. It’s reminiscent to Lancaster, which is my favorite By far. Vanilla, nutmeg, cinnamon, and a touch of cloves are all there and I love it
This beer has a good pumpkin base, and I like the heavy pumpkin spice kick. The 8.0% ABV is a nice touch too. This beer would be the kind that sneaks up on you after 3 or 4.

4.5/5 Pumpkins

9. Otter Creek Brewing
Vermont’s Own Wolaver’s Fine Organic Pumpkin Ale 5.35% ABV

100% organic you hipster bastards. Non GMO, I don’t know for sure.
We all taste pumpkin, moderate spice, good overall beer. The neighbor and I each have a wing to clear our palates. If you’re looking for a pumpkin beer, it’s a good choice. It has the pumpkin. Turk can no longer drive home and he’s committed to this. I’d say this beer has a good flavor and I’d drink again.

3.8/5 Pumpkins

10. Blue Moon Brewing Company
Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale 5.7% ABV

Wow, what a craft brew and terrific audience. The only reason I’m reviewing this is because of the TFM craft beer article and PGP user, “Durandal.” We’ve also decided to ditch straws and chug from a mug. You happy now, man? I’m not a huge fan of this beer. The Neighbor has called it a night and gone back to his place across the way. He’s in the ranking for top neighbor of the year along with the one two doors down. Good people and I’m slowly starting my campaign to usurp the HOA. #PowerMoves ODB from Denver has also stated this beer blows when we’ve talked this week. Maybe we’ll do a Colorado review when I come to visit.

1/5 pumpkins

11. Smuttynose Brewing Company
Pumpkin Ale 5.84% ABV

Turk: First of all, this company has a solid ass name. I don’t know, man, all of these beers are extremely similar. I guess this one tastes like some farm animal ate pumpkin and spices, then proceeded to shit them in my glass liquid form.

Shibbs: I like the name because it sounds like smutty nose which makes me think of slutty nose. I’m drunk… This one’s for you PGP user “Kal Varnsen.” Thanks for the recommendation. It’s got a solid balance of a heavy ale flavor, but enough pumpkin and spices to satisfy the pumpkin craving.

3.6/5 Pumpkins

I’m debating on taking a sick day already… but I also hate missing work. PGP.

12. Cisco Brewers Inc.
Pumple Drumpkin 6.0% ABV

Turk: Label looks like a pedo created it to seduce young children…name sure as shit doesn’t help the cause either.

Shibby: Good. I want fucking chips, and I’m fading fast. It’s dry, but good.

We are both done and hammered drunk, NIGHT. It taste like Pumpkin Pi.

3.14159265359/5 Pumpkins #DadJokes

Image via Shutterstock

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