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A Bachelor’s Guide To Planning Your Wedding

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I do the same thing every morning, and it’s a routine that I’ve become very accustomed to since starting it in college. First, I hit snooze on the phone and wait for the next round of alarms. After I’m actually awake, I check for any drunk texts from the night before.

*checks phone, no texts*

Then I move onto email.

*checks email, class is still on/work didn’t get cancelled*

And finally I check up on my social media.

*checks Twitter, no one died and nothing cool happened overnight*

Finally, I scroll through my Facebook feed. This is where things in my life have changed dramatically because I’ve noticed a sharp decline in pictures of barely clothed female coeds at theme parties. Taking their place are pictures of girls showing off the brand new rocks on their hands. It’s as if all the chicks on my Facebook are trading in the beer bongs and tank tops for rings and marriage. At first it was alarming, but now I’ve grown used to it. Hell, I’ve even been to some of these weddings. I like weddings; I really do, but there are some things that will absolutely ruin your wedding for everyone, because, let’s face it, people don’t get excited that you’re marrying the most perfect human being on earth. Nope. People get amped for wedding season because of the free parties after the ceremony. Is there anything better than a killer reception? I think not.

Now that I’ve attended a few weddings, seen some things, and been a few places, I’d like to give a few pro tips and advice from an outsider’s perspective to you ladies getting ready to go HAM on some wedding plans.

PRO TIP #1: Don’t have an annoying announcement.

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The announcement is special and will likely be the biggest news you’ll reveal until you have a child or die or go to space or something. That being said, please don’t screw it up by blowing up everyone’s feed. Nobody cares to read a novel of a Facebook status coupled with 100 different photos of the proposal. Unless you want everyone including your closest family to hate you, keep to a short and sweet status update with a photo of you two. That way everyone knows and its not like you’re bragging about finding someone to bet half of your net worth on. Also, my advice (as obvious as it may be) is to let family and close friends know about the big moment first. They will REALLY hate you if they find out via a quick Facebook check before they get out of bed. Being proposed to is probably super exciting and stuff, but take a moment to notify the ones that care, then run and tell the internet.

PRO TIP #2: Keep the ceremony short.

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Most people don’t actually want to go to the ceremony unless they’re in the ceremony. If you’re in the ceremony you get to take all the photos, hang out, and make all the played out wedding day jokes you can possibly muster before the bride and groom seal their fate at the altar. If you aren’t in the wedding then your experience is entirely different. For starters, you and your date will get too stressed out about getting to the church on time because one of you will be running late. Then you’ll get to look for parking, which half the time is a crap shoot, especially if the venue is in a downtown location. You’ll sneak into the ceremony just in time to find a pair of seats and sit down, only to stand right back up as the bride procession begins, because you were that close to missing the wedding. This will be the experience of 90 percent of the people involved, so it would behoove the bride and groom to make the ceremony short, sweet, and to the point.

If it were me, I would have the priest say, “You guys both agree to hang out with each other for the rest of your lives and not have sex with anyone else? You sure? Okay, you’re married.” (Actually, I would have myself and my groomsmen come out one by one while an announcer calls each of our names like an intro to an all-star game because that would be awesome.)

Get through the procession, the vows, and the rings so that everyone can get to the part that they really came for.

PRO TIP #3: Blow out the reception.

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Attending the reception is really the only fun thing about a wedding for all parties involved, so you better spare no expense here. You’ll want a venue with a decent dance floor so everyone will have enough room to embarrass themselves once they’ve had enough to drink. Speaking of drinks, you better fork over the cash for an open bar because I certainly won’t be attending if there isn’t one. Not having an open bar is like asking a girl on a date, and then not paying for her meal. Not having a bar at all is like not even having a meal, and sitting in awkward silence wondering if things will ever get interesting. An open bar is an essential item, just like rings and marriage licenses are essential items. If you want a DJ, that’s fine, but a live band is a true wedding power move. As far as food goes, keep that simple as well. I went to a wedding where they served chicken cordon bleu and it was great. I had three plates. If it were my wedding, I’d want Rudy’s BBQ to cater the event but I’m simple like that. The key advice for the ceremony is a good venue and lots of free alcohol. Keep those two things in mind and your friends won’t hate you.

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I work in Sales. I like the Gym. I like Texas Tech Football. I like San Antonio Basketball. I like Brunch. Living and dying in the DFW.

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