1. Patagonia Snap-T Fleece
“It looks like someone ate a box of Fruit Loops, chugged a Four Loko, and then barfed on a brown coat.”
This is one of my most prized possessions. It’s a staple of my Connecticut pedigree. Sure, it definitely isn’t as cool as the L.L. Bean fish fleece I had as a kid, but it’s a close second. The fact this was sitting in a consignment store at a scathingly low $30 is a story in itself (these puppies go for $100 or more on eBay). Sadly, it just doesn’t pull the ladies, and even those ladies who stuck around for a while despised it and all of its Synchilla glory. How many times did I pull it out of a trash can? Probably around four. Did I wear it when I met her parents for the first time? You’re damn right, and her pops even called it “rad.” That was it; I would never let it go. Sure, it’s spending a little more time on the bench since it’s warmed up, but enveloping yourself in its basking, clashing glory when the temperature drops one night is why I keep it around.
2. Oakley Razor Blades
“You look like a gay astronaut”
These sunglasses are a gem I found in one of my dad’s old golf bags, so I snagged them up immediately. They’re going to make a comeback, because Oakley just came out with its Heritage Collection, a collection of all the sweet oldies recreated again. And in turn, you see the Amazon knockoffs come out of the woodwork, so these are going to be the Kanye “stunna shades” of 2014. Are they ridiculous? You’re damn right they are. When would you wear these? Anywhere. Especially to brunch. Aren’t they just baseball player sunglasses but for massive doucebags? Get out of here with that noise.
“It’s like…you want the world to know you’re inbred.”
Jorts are making a comeback as well, and you know what? Thank the Lord. It’s simple common sense. If you have a pair of jeans that are either too short or they’re ripped to shit, you cut them into jorts. It’s a no brainer–what are you going to do instead? Throw them out? Donate them to the needy? I guarantee you that no poor family is going to want your white-washed, nasty Wranglers. Put some life into that classic bootcut denim. The last quality pair I had were burned, along with a bunch of other stuff I mistakenly left at an ex’s. She had something of a hairline trigger.
4. Old Sperrys
“It smells like Bigfoot’s dick.”
Fact: I have only thrown out one pair of boat shoes in my life. They were those awful canvas ones and they basically rotted. The dog wouldn’t even go near them. But every other pair of leather A/Os I’ve ever owned? Still got ’em. Am I a hoarder? Maybe. Should I just get rid of them? Absolutely not. If I had to guesstimate, I’d say I have about 18 pairs between my apartment and my parents’ house. The older, the better. They wear like slippers–timeless, disgusting slippers. No one’s going to notice the blood stain on the heel from when you had to break them in or the non-existant sole that’s been eaten by months of summer sweat. If they’re so bad, then move them out on the porch. No one’s stopping you.
5. Short Shorts
“…your shorts are shorter than mine…”
Right off the bat, I just want to say that the Chubbies epidemic ruined shorts. That stupid, ironic excuse for a pant took a great thing, soaked it in kerosene, and blew it up. Short shorts, in their broadest term, do not only apply to your idiotic American Flag shorts that were created way too tight. Short inseams are heritage. Your pops rocked them without cause and you grandpa knew nothing longer, and who would argue with them? Shorter shorts breathe easier, they’re more maneuverable, and if you’re doing your squats and leg press at the gym, they’re going to make you look like one fine piece of ass. Some people have a problem with these on uncredible bases like, “oh, my God, you’re so pale, it’s blinding almost,” and apparently “sky’s out, thighs out” isn’t a thing. I don’t listen to the naysayers. This also applies to short running shorts, the greatest loungewear known to man.
6. Bean Boots
” ‘Duck Dynasty’ called. They said you look like a tool.”
This is a one-off complaint, and I could never wrap it around my head as to why. This woman, this insufferable girl, said that Bean boots were hideous and they made me look like a serial killer. And what was the kicker? She wore Uggs, all the fucking time. Like it was her job to wear those stupid boots everywhere, like a dumb white girl billboard. What do you know about boots, young lady? Did you even know that Uggs were originally the footwear choice of chilly surfers in Australia? Of course you didn’t. Look at this puddle! Step in it, I dare you. What’s that, ruined your suede? Oh, your feet are freezing now? Shucks, that dirty street water just fell right off my Bean boots and my feet are very dry. Who’s the “stupid head” now, darling?
7. Mt. Gay Regatta Hats
“My dad has one of those, I think.”
These are trophies. Yes, they all look the same. Yes, most of them are white from salt and sweat stains. Yes, they’ve never been washed. Do you like floppy brims? That’s how you get floppy brims.
8. Hawaiian Shirts
“You look like that guy from ‘How I Met Your Mother’ in that movie with Mila Kunis.”
Lightweight, colorful, and a sure sign that you’re the life of the party. I see nothing wrong with these. They’re certainly not a staple–they’re for summer parties and the ironic, Caribbean-themed thing my company did once. I don’t think Jimmy Buffett is that bad, and sometimes, I get busy with an umbrella drink, especially if it comes in a coconut. These are the only things you’re allowed to wear on cruises.
9. Sweatpants From High School Sports
“How old are those? I bet they’re like…half my age”
You know the ones. Your high school’s name runs down the side, the bottoms are absolutely shredded, and they’re the perfect softness of washed a billion times and worn in for almost a decade. Sorry, sweetheart. You can’t even complain about these, because you’ll steal them the first chance you get. That being said, what’s wrong with me wearing these in public? No one at Dunkin’ Donuts said anything, they just glanced. No problemo.