Ah, Manhattan. Welcome to the city that never sleeps or stops sleeping around, and good luck trying to get someone to last past date number three. At some point you begin to realize that it’s not you, or them, but a combination of both of your busy schedules and the unspoken rule that there will always be someone else. As a result, you’ll get to date a whole slew of characters that will simultaneously make you cringe and weep a little into your third pumpkin spice latte of the day. The following are just a few types of the lucky guys that will be plying you with craft beers and sweet nothings (after dinner fro-yo).
One of the few “free spirits” you allow yourself to deal with, his Facebook statuses are all about optimism and don’t make grammatical sense. However, it’s all worth it when you’re wasted with your girlfriends and can throw things at the TV when he appears onscreen.
He doesn’t really know what’s going on, but he looks great with his shirt off. As soon as finds a job, he’ll suddenly find this newfound sense of elevated self-worth and leave you. A few months into working a regular soul-crushing job, he will morph into one of the mentioned subcategories and start sending you unprompted emojis.
The Finance Bro
He was hot shit in college, but is finally coming to terms with the fact that he’s not so special anymore. A slow, but steady weight gain has set in and his main priority is getting trashed with his college buddies. He’ll stop contacting you after he suddenly bursts into tears while singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” during karaoke, but still texts you every time one of his close friends gets engaged and he panics about a wedding date.
The Commercial “Artist”
He has deceived himself into thinking he hasn’t sold out and will constantly remark on how he has maintained his artistic integrity, even though he only works on commercials now. You’ll begin to wonder if he’s bi, and then one of your gay friends will see him pop up on Grindr.
The Self-Described “Gentleman”
He prides himself on always taking care of the ladies, and is perpetually dressed to the nines. You’re taken aback by how well he treats you, until you end up treating his last gift to you: one or more venereal diseases.
That Guy From High School
He may have been more popular than you then, or vice versa, but the playing field has leveled without the burden of a social caste system and ill-fitting varsity jackets. Halfway into the date, you both realize how little you still have in common, but hook up for nostalgia’s sake.
The Guy That Works In A Startup
You don’t really know what he does or what the purpose of his company is, but he’s really enthusiastic about its future. It’s not the lack of paycheck that disturbs you, but that someone could be that excited about their job. You’re not Steve Jobs, dude. You immediately stop returning his phone calls.
The Fashion Blogger
He’s constantly on his phone checking all his social media accounts or asking you to take pictures of his outfits. You want to question his sexuality based on how much he cares about his appearance, until you realize that he’s not interested in girls or guys; he’s only into himself. He’ll text you whenever it’s not fashion week in any corner of the first, second or third worlds.