This is like the “k” of birthday wishes. This person went on your wall, posted, and then got the fuck out of there. They didn’t even use your name, let alone any punctuation to signal a genuine birthday wish. Hell, they don’t even care enough about you to write whole words out. Fuck this person. This usually comes from an ex, someone that actually doesn’t like you, or a friend who is jokingly trolling just to be an asshole (we’ll cover trolls later).
2. “Happy birthday, hope all is well.”
“Hope all is well.” I sometimes sign off emails with this when I have nothing else to say. This person does not care if you are well or if you have a malignant tumor protruding from your face. Usually, you receive this type of wish from a former acquaintance in high school or college that you haven’t talked to in at least a year. He or she does not know you on a personal level or well enough to even attempt feigning excitement or dropping an inside joke. This person probably got really into working out or some type of hipster fitness routine to make up for their lack of social awareness. If someone writes this on your wall, respond with this: “All is not well, but thank you for your concern.” See if they respond.
3. “Happy birthday (insert name), hope you have a blast tonight!!!”
This is the most common and the most acceptable diction for a birthday post. It hides personal feelings with the birthday boy/girl and shows a little effort.
4. The Best Friend Girl Post
“Oh my god I can’t believe you’re 22. It feels like just yesterday you and I were walking into Mrs. Weeler’s class together. She was so mean to us! You are the love of my life and honestly have the kindest heart out of anyone I know. I’ll never forget the time when you came over and consoled me with ice cream and Aladdin after Lucky got mutilated by an F150 outside of my house. I’ll also never forget the time we double-teamed that water-polo player in the dorm right before we wolfed down an extra large pizza from Dominos. I love you and hope you have the happiest of birthdays!” This is followed by an Instagram pic-stitch that says, “to my bestie” even though the same girl posted another pic-stitch about her other bestie a week prior.
5. The Troll
This guy thinks he’s hilarious and writes something like “fuck you” on your wall. Creative? No. But it stands out and should be more appreciated than a generic birthday wish.
6. “Happy Belated.”
Are you telling me this person didn’t look at social media once on your actual birthday? Were they too busy? They didn’t have time? Un-friend this person and never talk to them again.
7. The Demeaning Pet Name: “Happy birthday, buddy.”
This person is trying to establish dominance over you on your birthday by calling you buddy. Put them in their place. Respond with: “I’m not your buddy, pal!”
8. The Follow-up “Thank You” Status
“I just wanted to thank everyone for all the birthday wishes today. I really do have the most caring family and friends in the world and couldn’t ask for better people in my life.” Was that necessary? This person wants to milk 50 more bullshit likes out of everyone and remind them once again that their birthday took place. I can’t believe people react to those statuses.
I also can’t believe I just wrote a post that analyzes birthday wishes on Facebook.
[via Pudgy Caddy]