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8 Tweets You Saw From Every Girl Who Went On Spring Break

The stark reality of entering the postgrad world presents some obvious challenges. For many, none of these challenges have been more prevalent than in the past several weeks. If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m talking about spring break. For any new postgrad employee, nothing is more demoralizing than knowing you traded in a scenic, tropical locale full of palm trees and bikinis for a downtrodden, suburban office which sports an abundance of pleated dress pants and “World’s #1 Dad” coffee mugs. To make matters worse, if you’re a workforce rookie, chances are that a fair amount of your associates and former cohorts have yet to face the disturbing reality that is cubically confined spring break. Naturally, this means you will be forced to see, via social media, your friends enjoying one of the greatest weeks of their lives while you sit at your desk and listen to your audio book copy of “The Suicidal Mind.”

While most of your buddies will narrate their alcohol induced, booze fueled, weeklong sexual journeys to you over a few brews and laughs in person, I’ve noticed most women prefer a different method of advertising their spring break experiences. I’m sure during the past several weeks, most of you have noticed an influx of female broadcast spring break posts. Why? I don’t know. I think it’s just a law of nature, like the Salmon of Capistrano, or birds migrating south for the winter. It’s instinctive–they just do. Some of you may have even been so fortunate as to have a follower or two tweet a live play-by-play of every day of her week’s greatness. These tweets are a proverbial “SC Top 10 Of Ashley From Junior Year’s Spring Break,” if you will.

Regardless, here are eight tweets you saw from every girl you know who went on spring break.

1.

Oh you’re going on spring break? That’s cool. I couldn’t tell by all the spring break tweets showing up on my Twitter feed the past few weeks. But have fun. Enjoy that 24-hour car ride through the backwoods of America in the back seat of your roommate’s ’99 Civic. Heard that’s a really spacious back seat. I also heard the Transportation Bureau endorsed 24-hour straight car rides powered by Red Bull and Starbucks Frappuccinos. That’s definitely the safest way to travel.

2.

YES, finally! I was starting to lose my mind without all those hourly updates. I wasn’t around in ’69, but I imagine this is how all of America felt waiting for Armstrong and Aldrin to make intergalactic history by LANDING ON THE SURFACE OF THE DAMN MOON. Keep me posted.


3. 

Couldn’t have said it better myself. What better way can you describe an overpriced, STD riddled, Podunk, Florida panhandle town. When I say my prayers at night, I often picture the good Lord judging a wet T-shirt contest on the beer can-littered beaches of PCB, double fisting his way into a night full of regret. Heaven. Just pure heaven.

4.

I once knew a guy who did the whole “perma-vacation” thing. Good dude, saw him on an episode of “Cops” a few years later, but that’s beside the point. I’m sure you have it all figured out, though. Not that I would know, but I’ve heard strippers and waitresses make good money in so-called “spring break towns.” By the way, how’s your dad doing? Saw him golfing the other day. He didn’t mention you, but I’m sure he’s really proud–you know, with all the money you’re bringing in and what not.

5.

NO. WAY. That’s my favorite song! You know everyone loves those folks who automatically assume country music is synonymous with summer. I’m really enjoying the wordplay here, too. I think that’s so original that you took the chorus from a popular song about a beach and used it to express your thoughts. I’ve never seen anyone else do that. Ever. Nice work, kid.

6.

Going with some Beyoncé for the pregame? I kind of figured you were the Beyoncé type. I mean, I didn’t really have you pegged for a DMX fan. Great selection though, it will really get the mood going. Make sure you and your girls take plenty of shots before you head out. You wouldn’t want to totally regret that Arkansas farm boy you’re about to use as your #serfbort later tonight, right?

7.

Nice visual, girl. Glad I took time out of my Saturday evening binge drinking schedule to see your Pulitzer caliber photography. Also, everyone knows that the people who sit in the corner of the bar and tweet are having WAY more fun than everyone else at the bar.

8.

Oh yeah, I’m sure this will be the best week of your life. It will definitely will take precedence over your wedding day or the birth of your first child. Preach it, girl. Glad to hear you girls are all so close, too. It’d be a damn shame if the girl no one likes spilled the beans about Jackie’s little herpes scare. But hey, the results aren’t in yet, so I’m sure everything will turn out fine.

*Note: all accounts have been fabricated to protect confidentiality. Any resemblance is pure coincidence and definitely expresses the opinions of white girls everywhere.

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Cam Brady

Cam Brady is just your average, everyday, NSFW guy struggling to adjust to the SFW world of corporate drudgery. In his free time, Cam enjoys hitting the weights and consuming adult beverages at an alarming rate.

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