So it’s that time of year again. Fantasy Football Playoffs. And all thanks to season long studs the likes of Andy Dalton and Larry Fitzgerald, your team made it to the playoffs. But if you are in my shoes, the same all stars who have made you a contender all year have turned around and single-handedly knocked your ass clear out of the playoff bracket. What are you going to do now that you have all of this extra time on your hands that used to be devoted to tweaking your lineup, analyzing power rankings and reading Love/Hate articles? There so many possibilities out there. Yet I could only come up with 8. Enjoy.
1. Make fun of your buddies who didn’t even make it in the first place.
So you got lucky and drafted Cam Newton in the 1st round like an idiot. 95% of the time a QB in Round 1 not named Aaron Rodgers is a rookie move. But it paid off. That waiver claim you made in Week 2 for Devonta Freeman was on point. Your fantasy football savvy made you at least a contender in this year’s season. Your buddies have been out of the contest since Week 10 and have been busy manipulating their abortion of a lineup so as to tank the final games in order to secure the first pick in next year’s draft. Scum.
2. Make a DFS team and put some money down.
Let’s face it: You can’t quit cold turkey. The recent loss still stings with the pain of your first road rash that time you ate shit learning to ride a bike for the first time. But now that you’re out, you have no mixed feelings rooting for players who are putting up points against your season-long team. Because now they can make you cash. Sure it is extremely uncomfortable rooting for anyone associated with Rex Ryan, but at $5,600 Tyrod Taylor is a steal. Do it quick though, because it’s not long before other states follow suit behind New York in banning it. It’s a cruel world.
3. Take back your week nights.
For the past couple of months, you have stayed up to watch every Sunday, Monday and Thursday night late games, even if it was just your kicker was playing. Because dammit, you needed to watch him hit those 3 field goals to give your team that edge. Monday night? I went to bed at a reasonable hour, because who the hell wants to watch the Giants and the Dolphins fight over who can turn the ball over more? Not worth it. And Thursday night? I might take the wife out for a date. And this time, my face won’t be glued to the FantasyCast play by play. Or I will finish Christmas shopping. I guess it’s about time.
4. Plan that vacation for next year.
Every time I try to look up flights, hotels, reviews, etc., I get a notification. “A player on your bench is projected to outscore an active player.” Yes. I know. That’s because ESPN is projecting Phillip Rivers to score 20 points every single fucking game even though HE HAS NO ONE LEFT TO THROW THE BALL TO. So what I’m playing Hoyer over Rivers? Fuck off. Hoyer has been decent this year. I’m changing my homepage to Kayak and turning those push notifications off. I am going to become the authority on all things Caribbean before the New Year based solely on reviews from Trip Advisor. Valid? Google rates the website 4.6 stars, so yes. Papas got that Christmas bonus (fingers crossed) and tax refund comin’. Time to spend it. Can’t take it with you, right?
5. Adopt a puppy.
Because with all the hype about dogs I’ve seen on here the past month, I’m 100% sold on it. Fuck the lease agreement. Fido is coming home with us tonight.
6. Change the water cooler topic.
Jim, I know. Your team didn’t do that well. Again. But guess what, Jim? It no longer matters buddy. Because you and I are in the same boat. You’re not fighting for anything. The “Consolation Ladder” is ESPN’s participation trophy. So stop. I don’t care anymore. My $50 is probably going to the guy who doesn’t even work for the company anymore, yet will reap all of the benefits of our company’s cash league. “Hey Jim, do you have a dog?”
7. Read a book.
Because for some reason, this is always on lists of things to do if you have free time. Fuck if I know.
8. Start planning for next year
It’s Bowl Season. Sorry, honey, I need to scout all the rookie picks for next year. I was a little soft at Running Back this year, gotta fix that. #cantstopwontstop
I’ll be back. But for now, I’m on the outside looking in. Good luck out there. .
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