It’s a rite of passage unlike any other, and it all starts with a talk. “The” talk, if you will. He says something about how he’s not good enough for you (true), you say something about how you’ll love him forever (definitely not true), and the next thing you know, you’re single and rolling up to the salon (or to a CVS if you have zero dollars and don’t care about ruining your hair with box dye) to turn your hair 50 shades darker than it currently is. Dyeing your hair after a breakup is as much of a step of mourning as burning all of his possessions or stalking the girl who tagged him in a picture all the way back to her first middle school dance.
But instead of ruining your perfect balayage for a color that will turn mouse-brown in 2.5 weeks, consider one of these fun, different ways to find happiness post-split.
1. Buy A New ~Sexy~ Wardrobe That You’ll Never Actually Wear
No, you never liked showing more skin than was absolutely necessary, and you can’t remember the last time you wore something figure-forming. That won’t stop you, however, from maxing out all five of your credit cards (including your rewards card, your retail card, and your emergency card) to purchase a plethora of bodycon dresses, platform heels, and lingerie that will never get any actual use.
2. Pierce Something
It doesn’t matter what you pierce. What does matter is that you post enough pictures of it, and Snapchat the whole thing, so people instantly think you’ve turned into a boss ass bitch. You want everyone to assume that, much like a stint in jail, your time post-breakup has hardened you into someone not to be messed with. (**Note: If you’re too much of a little bitch to actually pierce something, ordering a fake nose ring on Amazon Prime will suffice.)
3. Get A Tattoo
If you don’t already have a teeny tiny tattoo that unjustly makes you feel hardcore, now is the time to get one. While you’ll think about getting your ex’s name written on your body permanently, it’s best to steer clear of that. Instead, choose something completely original that expresses who you truly are as a person, like an infinity symbol, a feather, a flock of birds, or heart.
4. Consider A New Hobby
Now that you no longer spend your days watching your boyfriend play Rocket League and not-so-subtly hinting that he’d be down to try anal, you’ll realize you have a shitton of free time. This is the perfect chance to find a hobby that brings you joy and fills the void where you once had love. Consider volunteering at the local animal shelter, taking up cross-stitching, or driving by your ex’s house every hour on the hour.
5. Become A Private Investigator
Now that you’ve become skilled at watching your ex from afar, consider making your investigative skills official. All it takes is a degree in criminal justice, five or so years as an investigator with your state, employment by an agency for five more years, and a ton of training. But 10 years and a blink of the eye later, you’re good to go!
6. Kidnap Him
Now that you’re a seasoned PI, it’s time to get back to your original reason for existing: Making your ex fall back in love with you. Unfortunately, too much time has passed and odds are he doesn’t even remember your last name. He’s moved on, has a life, and maybe even a family. So, naturally, you only have one choice — grab him when he gets home late one night, tie him up, throw him in your trunk, and bring him back to your place.
7. Hold Him Hostage Until He Develops Stockholm Syndrome
I’m not saying kidnapping someone and forcing him to love you is cool. But if it works for Emma Watson, it works for me. Stockholm Syndrome is all the rage right now, so why not take advantage of this time to be trendy! Use the time between when you kidnapped him and when he falls in love with you to show him how cool, fun, and improved you are since you broke up ten years ago. Make him sandwiches (and feed them to him because you can’t untie him yet, silly!). Watch Netflix together. Promise him over and over again that’ll you’ll never ever leave him. Ever.
8. Live Happily Ever After
Finally, ten years, a new wardrobe, a cute heart tattoo, and a septum piercing later, you and your guy are back together and loving life! You both agree that, aside from a little PTSD, unethical and illegal practices carried out by you, and some light miscommunication, it was all worth it in the end.
So the next time you think about going from dirty blonde to rich burgundy after he leaves you for some slutty girl at his office, think again. Don’t let him have that kind of power over you or your hair..
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