As postgrads, we are really busy. We are busy ignoring the fact that, at the moment, our fridge only contains mustard, pickles, and exactly one individual cup of applesauce. We are obviously way too busy to open Grandma’s “Please Open: IMPORTANT! FOR YOUR SAFETY!! SHARE WITH THOSE YOU LOVE” chain email. We are trying to get ahead in our careers, which can be challenging considering how loud some of our coworkers are when they’re on the phone. We are busy dividing our time between looking like we are working and actually working. And, of course, there’s that thing called Happy Hour. With our lives as stressful as they already are, it seems we definitely don’t have time to deal with these eight types of people right now.
1. The Health And Fitness Nut
I get it. You really like to post pictures of yourself at the gym from the neck down #nodaysoff #triceptuesday. You blast pictures of your diet food to all corners of the Internet in an effort to convince everyone, including yourself, that your meal is both delicious and satisfying. Breaking: my Chipotle burrito bowl looks a hell of a lot better. And no, I don’t want to know the quantity of points/calories/macros/poison I am consuming.
Side note: the “Health and Fitness” person can be amusing to watch from afar because he or she is constantly in turmoil over which “lifestyle” to adopt. One week, you may catch this person fisting microwaved bacon slices into his or her mouth in the office kitchen. “Don’t be alarmed, guys. it’s Paleo!” A few weeks later, this person might pass on going out to lunch with coworkers because he or she recently read a blog regarding the dangers of animal products and are now vegan. If this person hasn’t already hopped on the #CrossFit bandwagon, it’s only a matter of time. Place your bets while you still can.
2. The Activist
Passion is important in life, but maybe not this much. Also, we could do without all of the propaganda linked to your Facebook. I promise I listened to you the first time you cornered me and told me about the destruction of that ecosystem/animal/whatever.
3. The “My Boyfriend/Girlfriend Loves Me More Than Anyone Could Ever Possibly Love You” Person
OMG. NO. WAY. You’re in a relationship?! Pretty please keep telling me how amazing your boyfriend or girlfriend is in an effort to systematically destroy me. Please.
4. The Instagram Addict
Instagram is a safe and effective, yet potentially a habit-forming, type of social media. Like all controlled substances, you should only use Instagram while under the care of a medical professional. The Instagram addict posts more pictures in a calendar year than there are days. You’ll often see the not-so-casual “selfie.” Eight times a day. When used in moderation, the selfie reassures your followers that you do, in fact, have the same face as you did six months ago. Like any addict though, the Instagram addict has no self(ie)-control. At least once a day, you see the future contents of this person’s stomach (#cheesecakefactory #cheese #cake #factory) as well as his or her “sleeping selfie,” in which he or she has ruined one of your favorite songs by posting its lyrics as the caption.
5. The Person Who Takes Him or Herself Too Seriously
Ugh. This person. The tell tale signs include a complete lack of a sense of humor, condescending tendencies, and the incessant need to point out any inaccuracy. This person begins most sentences with, “Well, technically…” Stop taking yourself so seriously. Lord knows no one else does.
6. The Awkward Person Trying To Be Funny
The general attitude toward this person is 20 percent “Bless your heart,” 45 percent “Why are you saying this?” and 35 percent “PLEASE STOP.”
7. The Person With Children
Person With Children, in case you haven’t noticed, I am not on the path to giving birth anytime soon. Therefore, my response to your inquiry about how to get your kid (with the bizarrely spelled name) to eat his or her vegetables does not go beyond, “Don’t take no for an answer.” Quite literally, any conversation with this person somehow relates to how cute, funny, and smart his or her child is. It’s exhausting.
Confession: I lied to you when I said your newborn was the “cutest ever.” It wasn’t. It looked like an alien.
8. The Hypochondriac
This person is dangerous. You never know if the hypochondriac is Patient Zero until it’s too late and the outbreak is upon you. Every day is a fire drill. A typical interaction with this person involves listening to him or her tell you how he or she probably has a bone tumor. You point out that this person has absolutely no symptoms of a Prion disease. (Do not look this up. You will cry). It’s a miracle this person actually eats food, as he or she might believe it has been contaminated with Clostridium botulinum. Hungover access to this person’s Emergen-C vault is the sole reason for interacting with him or her. I mean, you’re not as young as you used to be.