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72 Things I’m Going To Teach My Son

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  1. How to properly throw a baseball using the inverted-W throwing style.
  2. How to ride a bike.
  3. How to ride a bike without using the handlebars.
  4. Never curse around your mother.
  5. Never curse around a woman, even if you’re really, really mad at her.
  6. Everything there is to know about Frank Sinatra.
  7. Everything there is to know about Indiana Jones.
  8. The ocean is better than the mountains and vice versa.
  9. How to properly execute a hyper-masculine signature.
  10. Playing soccer until you turn 10 is okay. Then it’s onto real sports, unless you’re really good at soccer. Then I guess I’ll be okay with it.
  11. Not everything is the ref’s fault, unless it’s a block or charge foul called against our team.
  12. Where the best seats to watch a game in my hometown’s ballpark are.
  13. Always have a plan.
  14. It’s not always the early bird that gets the worm. Sometimes it’s the bird that has the most influential bird friends who can help him get the worm.
  15. I don’t care who you love.
  16. There is a right way to mow the lawn.
  17. An appreciation for iced tea after mowing the lawn the right way.
  18. Punctuality.
  19. How to treat people with respect, even if they can’t help you get something done.
  20. When the time comes, how to drink.
  21. The finer points of the spread option, if it’s still around. By “it,” I mean football.
  22. Being the underdog is too easy.
  23. The importance of loafers.
  24. Do what makes you happy.
  25. Try to be the best at what makes you happy.
  26. If you don’t get paid, it’s just a hobby.
  27. You can tell a lot about a man by his handshake and the shine on his shoes.
  28. How to change a tire in less than 10 minutes.
  29. Don’t tell your mom that your old man called AAA after it took him more than 10 minutes to change a tire.
  30. Look ’em in the eye.
  31. Hand out.
  32. Firm grip.
  33. Three shakes and let go.
  34. She’ll probably be a half hour late. Plan ahead.
  35. Don’t wear sunglasses indoors. Ever.
  36. Don’t throw the first punch.
  37. You don’t have to fit in. Just look presentable.
  38. Not everything is about you.
  39. Don’t Google your dad. I don’t want to have to explain myself.
  40. Bath time ends in fourth grade. Shower.
  41. Take your mom and dad out to dinner when you can afford it.
  42. Never stop learning.
  43. I can be pretty cool when your mom’s not around.
  44. Be a leader, not a bully.
  45. If you are a bully, you will feel my wrath.
  46. If you are bullied, they will feel our wrath.
  47. You can talk to me.
  48. Take your time.
  49. Be great at something.
  50. No woman will ever break your heart as bad as our sports teams.
  51. If you think I’m Batman, don’t go telling all your friends. I might actually be.
  52. Deodorant is weird at first.
  53. The comments section is the worst place to pick up a woman.
  54. Send Grandma a card for her birthday. Trust me. You don’t want to get on her bad side.
  55. Start saving now. I don’t care that you can’t talk yet. Imagine how much college is gonna cost when you have kids.
  56. Be a boy until it’s time to be a man. I don’t care that it doesn’t make sense.
  57. If you can have sex, you can have a baby.
  58. Okay, we’re done talking about sex.
  59. Yes, the ’90s were that ridiculous.
  60. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
  61. It’s okay to be embarrassed.
  62. It’s not okay to be embarrassing.
  63. As long as you don’t fuck up your entire life, you’ll be taken care of when I’m gone.
  64. If you choose my alma mater, it’s 100 percent paid for. Anywhere else and we’ll have to talk about it.
  65. Life is unfair. Make sure the court is tilted in your favor.
  66. Don’t try to be the hero. If it happens, it happens.
  67. Think for yourself.
  68. Vote.
  69. Don’t tell people this is “an old trick my dad taught me” when doing something stupid, because odds are I already did it, but I didn’t teach you that.
  70. Read and write.
  71. How to curse. Indirectly.
  72. Don’t tell mom.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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