Everyone has programming they don’t care for. Excluding a forced 30 minutes, I have never seen a second of any of the following shows, but they are shows that made me want to claw my eyes out before I even viewed them, and that is a feat deserving of a column.
1. Low Winter Sun
Like all of you, I watched the first half of this turd because AMC held the Breaking Bad preview hostage. Real dick move, AMC. I actually paid attention, too. So let’s summarize: depressing show in Detroit, the most depressing place in America, and a cop show. Way to push the envelope. Hope dies in Detroit like children’s innocence would die at Sandusky Elementary. Anyway, probable spoiler alert: cops kill dirty cop, 11 more episodes of bullshit ensue.
I can’t fault AMC’s marketing technique here, as getting just half of the Breaking Bad audience to watch would make the show a huge success. What I do fault them for is making a shitty show. “Okay, Walter White is gonna be off the air, what should we do? Oh I know! We’ll get that fucking weird bald guy from Sherlock Holmes and make millions of faithful viewers waste 30 minutes of their lives watching him try.” Infallible logic.
2. Ray Donovan
I would’ve probably watched this show if it weren’t for Showtime shoving it down my throat and delaying Dexter with it. Jon Voight (aka Bud Kilmer) playing a total asshole imposing his dickish will on his family and the entire community? Seems like a good time. That Liev Schrieber guy from Scream also seems to play a pretty fair asshole, so we at least have two veteran assholes ready to make the lives of those around them significantly worse.
3. Brooklyn 99
I don’t know much about this one. What I do know is it has Andy Samberg, and it’s not Hot Rod, an SNL Digital Short or a Lonely Island album, so it will probably blow.
Great, another mailed-in, show-tune-filled Seth MacFarlane creation abomination. But how could FOX resist making another great show with ol’ Seth? You know, since American Dad, The Cleveland Show, Bob’s Burgers and everything else not called Family Guy has just been so great. What pieces of shit those shows are. Primetime really needs more supposedly straight guys singing show tunes for 3 hours every Sunday when everyone who doesn’t suck is watching Carrie Underwood’s intro to Sunday Night Football on mute. Be sure to catch Seth Green and that little tattler from Boiler Room flinging feces all over your Sunday night.
5. The Mindy Project
That annoying girl from The Office who occasionally appears in funny movies gets her own show on primetime, and Norm MacDonald can’t find work? Fuck you, Hollywood.
6. Anger Management/Two and a Half Men/Anything With Charlie Sheen
We get it. Charlie Sheen is batshit crazy. It’s fun to watch his ridiculous life from your recliner with a glass of J&B while you pretend you wouldn’t get plastered and do blow off strippers’ tits at age 50 if you could physically and financially pull it off. It’s very impressive. What isn’t impressive is Charlie Sheen’s acting since Major League and the vehicles FX gives him that make you question the existence of your chosen deity.
FX has a solid lineup, sans Sheen, and I’m only exposed to his trash during commercials for Justified, Archer, and The Bridge. The thing that gets me is that the previews are supposed to be the funniest parts of the show, putting the best foot forward and what not. The previews make my blood pressure soar to at least five times the ratings of this garbage. If those are the comedic highlights of the show, I’m forced to assume the less funny parts consist of some weird Eastern European sport like shot-putting infants or burning down orphanages. Not only are said previews as funny as AIDS, but FX somehow convinced Charlie’s dad, Martin, to come swimming in this Chipotle bathroom toilet. Yeah, the guy from The Departed, West Wing and Apocalypse Now is now doing this. You’re really adding a dogshit crescendo to that résumé, Martin.
7. Every Show On TLC
It’s funny how every program on The “Learning” Channel only teaches viewers one lesson: that everyone on this channel is in desperate need of a shovel right to the temple. From 19 Kids and Counting, where the birthing process has been reduced to newborn tuck-and-roll where simple gravity does all the work, to Honey Boo Boo, which is an intriguing look at the early life of a future KFC employee and breaker of lawn chairs.
Having the word “Learning” in that network title is a criminally inaccurate misnomer. Maybe try “The Laziest Caucasians,” or “Trash Living on Camera.” I digress, but that network needs to be squarely behind terrorism on America’s “Beat the Absolute Shit out of” list.