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7 Things You Can’t Get Away With When You’re Sober

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I’ve told myself on many Sunday afternoons that phrase that all hungover people say. It’s almost one of those repetitive Catholic prayers in its form, “I’m never drinking again.” We obviously never mean it. Hell, we probably acknowledge that fact even as the words slip past our lips. The fact is, being a heavy drinker offers certain advantages that pretty strongly outweigh being hungover. There are simply some things you can’t get away with if you haven’t been drinking.

1. Mailing in an entire day because you’re hungover.

My hangovers these days are brutal. The phrase I usually ascribe to my hangover state is “feeling like I’ve been skull fucked by Ebola,” which is even more relevant at the current moment, I suppose. Anyway, it’s gotten to the point that all of my friends fully understand that if I’ve been drinking heavily the night before, I’m gonna be totally useless the next day. Which is weird, because I can’t think of anything else where people would be so understanding. Even if I was actually sick, my friends would still tell me to quit being a pussy and come with them. But for whatever reason, they just accept that post-party days mean that they won’t be able to get me to do anything.

2. Stealing stuff.

How much stuff have we collectively stolen while drunk? It’s absurd. I have dozens of pieces of glassware that I have no idea where it came from, only that it once used to sit behind a bar. Street signs, lawn ornaments, actual booze, I’ve stolen it all. Which is ridiculous, because that’s ACTUAL LARCENY. A jailable offense. But if you’re drunk you just chuckle about it the next day, and hope there weren’t any security cameras in the vicinity. If someone came to your place in the middle of the day, stone sober, carrying a bunch of shit they’d stolen, you’d tell them to get the fuck out.

3. Sleeping with someone you’ve barely spoken to.

If we’re being honest, one night stands are pretty gross. I know, that sounds pretty puritanical, especially given the things I usually advocate. But think about it. How much interaction do you usually have with your one night stands? Typically, I don’t even start talking to them until maybe an hour before last call. One night stands don’t usually happen between people who started flirting at the beginning of the night, it’s always two drunk people desperately looking around for someone to get it in with. Extrapolate that behavior to normal life. Think about coming home with some chick from the grocery store, and explaining it to your friends.

“Yeah we just met, I think her name is Candace. No I don’t really know anything about her. We’re gonna have sex. Yeah, right now. She’ll probably leave right after we’re done; she’s got stuff that needs to be refrigerated out in the car.”

See what I mean? Fucking weird.

4. Making plans you will never keep.

I’m a professional drunk plan maker. Camping trips, business ventures, movie ideas, starting a band, you name it, I’ve committed to it. It’s a fun game to play because everyone is sorta in agreement that 99% of the things we decide to do while drunk are things we never intend on doing. But if you do that in normal life on a regular basis, you’re just a lying asshole.

5. Dancing on non-dance designated surfaces.

What was your first thought the last time a group of girls got on the bar or a table and started dancing? Probably a combination of rolling your eyes, but also being pretty into it. The point is, it didn’t feel out of place, did it? Why is that? How is it acceptable public behavior to jump up on a surface which is designed to serve food and start gyrating to a Nelly song everyone suddenly remembered existed? But somehow, as long as they’re holding their drinks in the air over their heads, it’s totally acceptable. Not only that, but it’s also beneficial, because it points out which girls in the place are there for a good time. They basically painted a target for dick on their back.

6. Eating like an idiot.

Granted, lots of people eat like idiots sober, but we don’t really condone that behavior. It’s not just about quantity or food type, but combinations. One night I was whiskey drunk (and under certain horticultural influences as well), and I came home to cook a frozen pizza. Except I didn’t stop there. I put the pizza in the oven on low heat to soften the dough, pulled it out, turned up the sides of the crust to form a bowl-like shape, then dumped Chef Boyardee into the center, and covered it all with a layer of shredded cheese. Then I baked it all the way through. Those are the actions of a disturbed individual. Or I was just drunk.

7. Having an automatic excuse.

This is the biggest one. How many things in life do we allow to slide by because our friends were “just really drunk last night”? Seriously, short of major crimes, you can basically excuse anything you do by being hungover and apologetic. Guys can get in fistfights, girls can have friendship ending screaming matches, and everyone can destroy property, and just generally make fools of themselves. Weirdly enough, the world in general tends to accept that they can’t be held responsible for their actions. If you’re sober, that’s gone. You fuck up or piss somebody off, it isn’t because you were inebriated, you’re just an asshole.

Which is probably true for all of us drunk people anyway.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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